For over 15 years, my life has been one of emotional upheaval and it has been pretty constant. I mean, there have been quiet periods, moments (when considering the vast span of Time itself) of peace and calm. Looking back, though, I realize those calm moments were just the eyes of multiple storms. Imagine me in a sailboat, bobbing in an endless ocean, then picture a map with National Hurricane Center storm symbols lined up, ready to batter me, with warning cones showing the storms vying for my GPS location. Now, imagine that my storm season has lasted for about 15 years and you get the idea. A storm of emotional upset and drama passes over me, then there is a calm eye, then the backside of the storm passes over and the carnage finishes. I clean up my wrung-out spirit only to look at the horizon and the storm clouds that are building again.
I'm a very simple creature. I eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch. I stick to a daily schedule. I wear lots of purple. I check the same web sites. I read my favorite books at least once a year and stick to my favorite authors and genres. Deodorant is the first thing applied after a shower. I drink coffee with three Splendas. Yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a little bit Rain Man. Don't worry though, I'm not so OCD that I won't try new things, but it takes a lot of liking to add the newness to my routine.
Along with being a simple creature who loves routine I'm also an introvert. I need that time and space to myself, to hear my inner voice. My inner voice is a logical, witty, sweet girl who gets really upset when there's emotional upheaval and too much newness. Let's just say that for the last 15 years, my inner voice has been very confused, sad, and a little bit angry.
I haven't spoken to my mother in over two weeks. She hasn't voluntarily spoken to me in over a month. I called her three times, to make sure she was OK, to try to initiate conversation, to try to draw her out, but every time I am met with one-word answers and a definite chill in the air between us. For the last two weeks, I have let it go. I have embraced my ordered, quiet life. There have been no unannounced visits, no in-the-middle-of-homework meandering phone calls, no lambasting of my dead-these-15-years saint of a father, no rehashing of hurts that should have long ago been healed by time. I have lowered the sails, put down the oars, and decided to drift and see where the ocean will take me.
It has brought me here.
I know there will be storms in the future. Life's forecast is never for endless highs of 78, low humidity, light clouds, and calm seas. The storms will still come. But they aren't lining up to perpetually batter me because I've let go of the part of me that always needs to please one other, make happy one other, satisfy one other.
Now, it's me, my husband, my children, my family, my friends, and my inner contentment.
I am at peace.