Stop Piddlin' on the Seats, Ladies!

There are two things you learn, as a woman, when it comes to visiting the public bathroom. The first thing you realize is that the lines are always long, regardless of the number of stalls. The second is that you have to practically clean off the toilet before you even go because of all the urine on the seat! Why does this happen, you ask? Well, let me elaborate.

For many years, our mothers have perpetuated the myth that toilet seats carry millions of germs and that if you sit on a public toilet seat, you'll end up with a stomach flu, herpes, any number of STDs, etc. They are supposedly dirty, filthy pieces of plastic that must be feared. Therefore, you must NEVER sit down on a public toilet seat. You must squat instead. In actuality, kitchen counters tend to harbor more bacteria than your average toilet seat.

As a goody-two-shoes teen, I obeyed my mother. I squatted over every public toilet seat I ever came across, regardless of the conditions of said seats. All I can say is that squatting over a toilet should be part of every gym workout in America because it builds incredible thigh muscles. During all of this squatting, I noticed something. At home, there was never urine on my toilet seat because I sat on the seat. Whenever I squatted over a public seat, the end result was urine splashed everywhere. Ladies, we all know our anatomy. We all know it's nearly impossible to pee standing up. Squatting is not going to suddenly allow us to pee cleanly.

Squatting over public toilets leads us down the path of a vicious cycle. Squatting causes sprinkling and you squat to avoid the sprinkles already on the seat. If we would all just SIT on the damned seats, there would be no sprinkles, and therefore no need to squat! Do you see where I'm going with this?!? Think about the part of your anatomy that is touching the seat. It's the backs of your legs. How dirty are the backs of your legs? Unless I've been splashing around in a mud pit (THERE'S a visual for you), the backs of my legs are fairly clean. That being said, if you sit on a toilet seat that a total stranger just sat on, the most you may catch is a whiff of the honeysuckle lotion she applied that morning. So, sit! Enjoy your moment on the john! Don't squat like you're trying to prepare for a Ms. Universe competition. SIT!

In addition to empowering women everywhere to sit, not squat, on public toilet seats, let's all flush and clean up after ourselves. It's amazing how nasty women can be in public restrooms. I experienced one toilet in Germany (you know which one I'm talking about, Vonda) that went beyond any nastiness I've ever experienced in a women's restroom. I can't describe it here because it was just... horrible. Let's clean up after ourselves! Wipe up! Flush! Keep it clean for the next woman who has to pee, because you know the minimum wage employee who is responsible for the bathrooms that day certainly won't keep it clean for us!