29 February 2008

Is this thing on?

I never post twice in one day. Never. But, I can't keep this in.

Am I invisible? Does anyone really know me? Know that I'm here? Does anyone even care?

Because I feel rather - disconnected. All I know is the inside of this friggin' house, this cul-de-sac, the river birch tree in my front yard, the bird feeder with the stupid cardinal who incessantly knocks on my dining room window.

I just feel like this ridiculous blob in a grey sweatshirt who never leaves her house. Hair stays wet all day, up in a clip, no makeup except a bit of Chapstick.

I'm just...

here. But I'm not. I feel like a nobody who contributes only carbon dioxide to the atmosphere. I don't even feel like a woman any more. I'm sexless. My body is soft and blobby. Nothing looks good on it. This whole "Letter to my body" thing that BlogHer is running? Shove it. I hate my body. I'm so tired of looking like I do and yet, that's the rub. I'm too tired to change it.

I'm not allowed to take a day off. Not even when I'm sick. I don't get to dress up because none of my dress-up clothes fit. I don't get to ever be an adult because by the time I get to leave the house in order to be in the company of other adults, I'm so tired that I can't even function.

I woke up this morning, disbelieving that I had to do this all over again.

Wake up.
Feed kids.
Eat breakfast.
Clean house.
Feed kids.
Eat lunch.
Fold laundry.
Feed kids.
Kiss husband.
Eat dinner.

All I hear is crying and fussing. All I smell is dirty diapers and spit up. And all I do is take care of three little people when all I want is for someone to take care of me.

Yeah, I'm whining. I'm sorry. Today I just can't help it.


Anonymous said...

Oh, honey. You can whine all you want for what you do. That's why I completely, totally, admire SAHMs, but could never be one myself. I'm not fit to be one. Plus my father instilled this insane workhorse gene in my DNA. At least you've got friends close by that you can go out with, right?

Anonymous said...

Whine away, sister. You're singing to the choir here.

I've had days, possibly even weeks like this. I hate that funky, frumpy feeling. You need to shake up the routine. Forget about the laundry and cleaning and do something fun.

Wish we lived closer...for more than one reason...we're about to get another foot of snow tonight! I haven't seen my neighbors in weeks...our snowbanks are too high.

Military Mom said...

I think you just put into words exactly what my problem lately has been. I have been trying to identify it for weeks now, and you found it. I am sorry you are feeling so rough, but I gotta tell you, you're not alone; I know EXACTLY how you feel (minus the dirty diapers/spit up part).

RiverPoet said...

It. Does. Pass.

I was a SAHM for a few years when my kids were little. Compounding that intrinsic loneliness, my hubby was overseas most of the time. The isolation was unbearable, and yes, I put on weight from having those babies and from being stuck in the house so much with said babies. It is GRUELING and you are SO allowed to whine about it!

I used to long for a grown-up night out, for a dressy occasion, for a little romance! I know how you feel, but I'm so sorry you're feelin' it!

If I were closer, I would kidnap you and take you out for tea - leave the babies with Ty-Man or your mom. You deserve to grant yourself some wishes. Close your eyes and make some.

The funky, frumpy, chilly days of winter are almost behind us. Soon you will be outside all the time with those kids, running around that lonely tree and reveling in the sunshine! Hang on. Hang in there.


Peace - D

Avitable said...

You're definitely allowed to vent and feel this way. It's hard to always be the one in charge!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Spring is on the way!!

Anonymous said...

As a full-time stay-at-home Dad, I feel much the same thing, much of the time. I do have the outlet of teaching my two classes per semester, but my relationship with my students, while very different than my relationship with my daughter (I don't have to change their diapers, for example; in fact, I don't think any of them--even the non-traditional older students--actually wear diapers), it's still not a true equal adult relationship. I spend most of my time essentially alone, and, yes, it really gets to me.

Which is why, though my daughter isn't ready for such things herself, I've started to have imaginary friends. Just this morning, while my full-time-working wife is off at a conference in Athens (she is usually home all day Saturday and Sunday, thank God), I had breakfast with a Scottish gentleman named Godric. He complimented me on my choice of red velvet cake and Hazelnut Belgian Cafe but declined to have any himself, picked up some of the bits of diced peach my little girl dropped on the floor*, and then played first "Fur Elise" and then a "Stairway to Heaven/Iron Man/Hey Jude" medley on the bagpipes. I suspect, however, that (sigh) I won't be able to convince him to do the diaper change that I know will be necessary in the next hour or so.

I'll be having lunch with Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, and a six-foot talking squirrel named Mr. SillyTail.

Hang in there, baby. It will be okay, I promise.


*Okay, the cats ate them.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

You have so described my existence in Tahoe. I used to pray that the kids would sleep past 8 o'clock because the idea of being alone with them from 6 or 7 am until Hubbie got home at 6pm left me paralyzed. What in the hell were we going to do all day?

I am scared I will feel this way in our new town. He will be working longer hours and be farther away. No more popping in for lunch.

You are so not alone in this. People keep telling me it gets better. I have to believe them because otherwise it is one big, cruel conspiracy. I'm still waiting for it to happen. LOL

Vonda said...

Heather, I so wish we lived closer right now as we could leave the babies with Ian and Ty-Man and go out for a fun day...you just hang in there girl. This is a SEASON and very soon you will feel rested, energized and feel like Heather again. Girl you do look great and I'm not just saying that. You are thin and look at you you've had 3 youngins so just hang in there and know that we're always here for you. -V in Germany

The Ferryman said...

That's why we should totally live next door to each other.

You know, so I could sit on my porch and look over at you and laugh and laugh...

Gypsy said...

Methinks it's past time for a kid-free vacation.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap woman. I would never have guessed.

You know you're not alone in this, right?

david mcmahon said...

It gets better. Trust me.

Hang in there.

And keep smiling.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Molly's Mom - Thanks, hon!

MommyCosm - I wish we lived closer, too. I think the next time you're in Aruba, and I'm in Bonaire, we need to hook up on Curacao. Seriously.

Military Mom - People talk about the flu going around. Well, there's a funk going around, too. It's definitely a winter blah thing.

Momma - I just love you, hon, and when NATUI gets settled in at her new digs, I'm coming up there, and we're all going to have to hook up!

Avitable - Thanks, hon!

Shannon - That's what I keep telling myself!

Chris - You know I love you, sweetie. I wish we lived closer together and could hang out more often than just random lunches. Give that sweetheart of yours a smooch from me!

NATUI - OMG! You described my state of mind each and every morning. I think "What do I do with them today?" Freaky. Hon? Either we were separated at birth or we share a brain. Either way, it's cool.

Vonda - I. Love. You. And miss you so danged much!

Fab - And then I would drop the kids on your lap and run like hell! :-)

Gypsy - The kid vacation begins this March 29th. I'm going scuba diving. Thank. God.

Britt - Yeah. I know there are more of me out there. Friday? Was just hard. Thanks, hon!

David - You are too sweet. :-)

Mrs. Booms said...

I know, hon. I know...

I did it with my first one and I'm just not cut out for it. It's admirable that you're doing it and rocking it.

But I know the disconnect from the real world. :(