20 March 2008

Open Letter 2

Dear Package Scientists Who Designed "Easy-to-Remove" Plastic Film For All Food/Toiletry/Medicinal Products:
You lying sacks of shit. This crap isn't easy-to-remove at all. You worthless little f-ers just sat around thinking up ways to piss off us consumers and make our lives a little more difficult. All in the name of stopping uncouth hillbillies from walking barefoot into local grocery stores, opening the caps off ketchup bottles, and having a taste. Whatever. They'll do it anyway, just with an extra step.

Dear County/State Board of Educators:
Seriously? My twins were born September 16th. So, because they were born sixteen, 1, 6, days into September, rather than, say, August 31st, you're going to make them wait a whoooooole friggin' extra year to start first grade. So, instead of my lovely sweet kids starting first grade in, oh, 2011, they have to wait until 2012, one month before their 7th birthday. Oh, gee, make them the freaks of the class by not only being twins, but also the oldest there. Ever hear of maybe testing them in their socialization skills? ABCs? Something? Oh, right. This is the Bored of Edumacation. You do things just to be arbitrary and annoying. AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!

Whew! Wow. I feel much better now. Thanks!


Cricky said...

Every time I open a ketchup bottle or cough syrup I end up with it all over myself, the counter, and any other surface.

Kelly had to start a year behind as well. Her birthday is in January.

She is now the tallest and smartest kid in her class. She also will be needing bras in the third grade while her other friends could wait until 4th or 5th.

Narcoleptic said...

I know how being the oldest in class feels. It was ok in school, everyone was my age, we were proud '87 borns.
But, it all changed once I entered college. I realised, dysfunctional that everything is here, some parts of India allow children to start school at even 3.
What it results in? 19 year old classmates, who stare in awe when they find out I am 21.
I kind of felt like hiding my age for a while. But it was too much to remember.

Avitable said...

"f-er"? Who are you?

And why not put them in private school so they can start on time, especially since I know they're smart. They'd have to be, coming from you two. That's what my parents did with me.

The Ferryman said...

How do you know the twins won't need to be in the remedial classes?

The short bus will be able to turn around better in your cul-de-sac than the regular bus, so it's all good!

Please don't hurt me.

Donna said...

you know, you could always home school . . .

barefoot hillbillies - I don't even like ketchup!

Calamity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gypsy said...

I once stabbed myself with a steak knife trying to get one of those damn seals off.

Mrs. Booms said...

I love it when you rant.

It makes me laugh and oh how I relate.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Just A Girl - Dude, I'm the same way. And? Thanks. I feel better about the twins, now. :-)

Narcoleptic - Wow. Three?!? That's crazy! I will admit that sometimes being older does have a payoff. Thanks, hon!

Avitable - Beats me. Must've been invaded by the body snatchers overnight. Heh. I said "snatch"ers. Before it's all over with, they may just go into private school. Public schools are pissing me off anyway.

Fab - I would never hurt you. Just lick your head.

Donna - Oh, Lord. I don't have the patience for homeschooling. Well, some barefoot hillbillies like pickles, right?

Gypsy - Sweet! Some DNA/blood with your mustard?

Britt - I'm a paranoid, anxious planner that way.

Betsey - I love it when I rant, too!

HEATHER said...

Really, homeschooling is not that bad! And because you are one on one with the kids, you only have to actually school them for an hour per day at this age.

Military Mom said...

My middle kid had to wait a whole year because his birthday is September 3rd! OMG that was frustrating. I tried everything to get them to change their policy, but no dice.
And I am with you about the plastic. I can't imagine how upsetting that must be for old people with arthritis. Can you imagine?

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I was all with Avitable on this one--my parents did the same with us. Then I read Fab's comment. Oh my fucking god I needed the laugh. Sorry it is at your kids' expense, Heather, but Fab really got me on that one!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - I know homeschooling is good... I just don't think I'm a good fit for homeschool teacher. They would blossom. I would probably go crazy.

Military Mom - Dude, September 3rd? I think I would have forged his birth certificate.

NATUI - OK, quit agreeing with Avitable. Gives him a big head. Or, big something.

OK, Where Was I? - Yeah, it is a refreshing way to write a letter. Emily Post it ain't.