01 May 2008

Open Letter 4

Dear Publishers of Baby Board Books:
I know, these board books are great for introducing babies and young toddlers to the joys of reading. Thick pages for clumsy fingers, not many words, big pictures and textures to hold their interest.


Cardboard? Seriously? Kids chew on every-friggin'-thing until they're - like - 15! Do you really think kids need to get a daily dose of fiber from wood pulp? 'Cause the next time I see clumps of pulp in my child's poo? I just might have to shove a tree up each of your asses. If we can create packing peanuts from cornstarch, why can't we do the same with board books? Saliva hits it, it dissolves into a harmless, digestible goo. Goo I can handle. Wood pulp? Not so much.

Dear Dooce®:
After hearing Avitable bitch several times regarding your blog and how you don't allow comments on your posts, I hung out at your place for about an hour on Monday. Nice decor, well-written posts (putting me to shame, that's for sure), and beautiful photographs. So? I subscribed in Bloglines.


7,587 subscribers?!?!? In Bloglines alone?!?!? Damn! How many do you have altogether? Over 300 comments on Tuesday's post, about your new book? You currently support your family of three with your blog?

No, don't give me that to live up to. I can't. I can feel the effort and creativity going away as I slip into a catatonic state, twitching and repeating over and over, "Over seven-thousand. LOL Cats has only 2,700. More popular than LOL Cats. How...."

You owe me a portion of your proceeds to pay for my psychiatric care, thank you very much.

Dear Loyal Blog Readers:
Yes, I'm a loyal subscriber to LOL Cats. Bite me.


The Ferryman said...

Ewwww....you linked Douche? She is my arch-nemesis.

Well...if it's possible to have an arch-nemesis that doesn't know you exist...

RiverPoet said...

Man, I'm intimidated, too!

Maybe it's time for me to buy a decent camera and put my little poochies to work! She is good at self-promotion, I'll give you that. It's a new world, baby!

But guess what? I subscribe to this cool site called Coal Miner's Granddaughter. You should really check her out...

Peace - D

Avitable said...

I forgive you for the LOLCats, but I don't know if I can forgive you for subscribing to Douche's feed.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm familiar with Dooce b/c of the research that I do for work. Looks like she's not liked so much by the CMGD crowd...douche, too funny.
I'm indifferent. Her numbers are impressive. But, she's definitely crossed the line between blogging for fun into blogging as a business. I don't want mine to be a business...that would take the fun out of it for me, and I think it would come across as less sincere to readers.

I also found LOL Cats due to work. I don't subscribe, but I do check it out once a week or so. I'm not ashamed...it's funny.

Gypsy said...

I subscribe to you. I don't subscribe to her. What's that say?

jayna said...

Does it qualify me as living under an internet rock if I say I've never heard of her?

And yes, those stupid board books need to be covered in something like waterproof fabric (cause the plastic ones must taste like shit - even more than cardboard). I don't think we own a book that isn't missing most of it's corners and binding already. Indestructible pop-up books would be pretty cool too.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Amen to the board book, babe. Though no tree pulp in the poo here. Not yet, anyway.

As for the other blog. Eh. That many commentors makes it too impersonal for my taste. But who gives a fuck about my taste? I'll take my five loyal readers any day of the week. LOL

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Fab - I think it's possible to have an arch-nemesis who doesn't know you. It's actually cool!

Momma - Hey, I think more pictures of your dogs would be great! And? Thanks. You make me blush. :-)

Avitable - Please? With whipped cream and cherries on top?

MommyCosm - Yeah, I've always struggled with the blog to write vs. blog to make money argument. The need to simply write wins out every time!

Gypsy - Volumes, hon. And I'm touched. *Kisses*

Jayna - No. I hadn't heard of her until recently. And excellent board book idea!

NATUI - Amen, sista!

Molly's Mom said...

Dooce is definitely flucky, for sure...but will it last? Things that crop up like that tend to eventually get that not-so-fresh feeling.
I don't subscribe to any blogs. I can't text message at the speed of light. I feel so old! Oh wait, I AM.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Molly's Mom - I don't know. She's been on-line since 2001. We'll see. She definitely seems to be at the peak right now. And you're not old!

Donna said...

Must be Open Letter Day . . .

Um, yep, totally hate the board books - and there's a ton of them in my son's room.

Oh, and I checked google reader for Dooce - 5,618 subscribers. Cripes! Feeling sorta like I'm back in High School and trying to either join or create my own posse or something.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Donna - Shit! That makes over 12,000 between Google and Bloglines alone! Seriously. I need a margarita...