21 May 2008


As of next Tuesday, the Ty-man and I will have been married for 13 years.


Thirteen years of bliss, joy, heartache, stress, insanity, happiness, joy, laughs, and tears. In those 13 years we've gained beautiful children, understanding, patience, and weight. It's been a strange and wonderful trip, this marriage thing, and we're lucky to be on it together.

For the first time in 10 years, we're taking an honest-to-God vacation on our anniversary. For our third anniversary, we hit all the Florida high spots. We had vowed, at one time, to return to our honeymoon destination (Seattle) for our 10th. Alas, I was large with children. This year is different because we're headed to Antigua from which we felt the pull of the Caribbean, remembered the lure of the sand, and heard the siren song of an all-inclusive resort with endless alcoholic beverages.

You guessed it. Drunken anniversary sex with no kids to interrupt us. Woo hoo!

So, I found out that Sandals is like a cruise on land. "Cruise on land" literally translates to "dress your ass up for dinners." Um, yeah hi. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Heather, a mom of three, and my wardrobe consists of jeans, shorts, skorts (Mother of Christ), and 20 Old Navy t-shirts in varying colors, Crocs, and mommy-hair that is never styled. And you want me to dress up every night? For dinner? With make-up, decent hair, and a dress?

Mother. Puss. Bucket.

You all know I bought a dress on Sunday. That's one dress. I still have six more outfits to go and a limited budget 'cause this trip has broken the CMG bank. So, off I went, digging into the disaster that is my closet, looking for something that will pass for Sure, I'm a stylish and reasonably fashionable woman who does this everyday and isn't at all concerned with her ever-widening ass or her flabby upper arms. Definitely.

Allow me to share with you my inner closet-searching monologue.

OK, bought this dress two years ago. It's a size four. Will it fit. YES! If I don't wear a bra and if I suck in my gut. With a bra, it's not going to zip. OK, no bra means nipples. Remember to pack band-aids for that. Now. How about these pants with that top. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. Why is that top in here?!? It's a size 2. Only if I shave the boobs off and wear a corset. These crop pants? Yeah, they scream, "Somebody! Please! Spit-up on me!" What about these heels with those trousers. Oh, God. It looks like I'm trying too hard. Wait, I am trying too hard. I suppose it's decent.

As you can guess, this went on for 90 minutes and I can tell you that my pale, flabby butt and arms managed to find seven, count 'em, seven proper dress-up-for-dinner clothes for this trip.

I'm spent. Where's the chocolate?


HEATHER said...

If there is a Steve & Barry's near you they carry Sarah Jessica Parker's new line of clothes where nothing costs more than $10.
She had two of the cutest sundresses in the line for $10 each. For a vacation outfit you might not wear again, that's a steal to me. But I just now checked the website and they already have the fall collection stuff up, so I don't know if you could find anything or not. Have you tried Marshalls or TJ Maxx?

HEATHER said...

Oh and Congrats on the anniversary!

Anonymous said...

OK, first of all, 13 years and you still have sex at 3am...impressive.

I laughed out loud at your inner closet searching monologue...had the same when I was trying to find a dress to wear to my dad's wedding a few weeks back. My size 4s though...not even close...not even if I shave the boobs off and wear a corset;)

Wave to Aruba for me, OK? I know Antigua isn't exactly Bonaire, but it's closer than NH.

Avitable said...

Ew, dressing up for dinner?

And congrats on 13 years!

Donna said...

Thirteen years and you're still willing to spend over a week with just him, in close quarters, all the while attempting to find a decent, flattering outfit for a body that 13 years of bliss and weight gain has altered even slightly every night of said week? It must be love.

Congrats on the thirteen years.

The Ferryman said...

I ahve had the anniversary sex with the Ty-Man. It's awesome!

And you don't have any fat on you at all. STFU!

Ok, Where Was I? said...

Ha, ha. This is a funny post. I so relate. After so much time in mom clothes, I find that the good stuff makes me uncomfortable, like I can't even tell what's stylish anymore.

I just read about that Steve and Barry's place recently (Yeah, I'm pretty much in the know on everything fashion related), and while it sounds great, I would be so afraid the clothes would disintegrate in rain or the sunlight. And though I generally have an 'I don't care' attitude when it comes to other people, THAT is definitely something I care about, being naked in public.

RiverPoet said...

Hey sweetie -

Congrats on your approaching anniversary! Woo-hoo!

Also, hubby and I went to Sandals-St. Lucia in 2001 and we didn't have to dress up for dinner. You might want to double-check on that. Yes, it is a cruise on land in that it is all-inclusive and FUN - but we didn't dress up at all.

Peace - D

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Dude, I'm gonna check that place out. Thanks!

MommyCosm - I will certainly wave to Aruba for you, hon! I'll even blow a kiss!

Avitable - Yeah, that's what I said. Thanks, hon!

Donna - I must be! :-)

Fab - Really? He didn't tell me about that. Hmmm, I'm upset that I wasn't included! :-(

OK, Where Was I? - It makes me uncomfortable, too! Like everyone around me is going to know I don't belong in fancy dress-up clothes. Like I'm breaking the law or something.

Momma - Thanks, hon! I'll have to check on that not dressing up thing. Hmmm.

Unknown said...

#1 – I second Fab. STFU!!

#2 – Psycho-boy and I honeymooned at a similar all-inclusive place and we, like Momma, didn’t have to dress up for dinner. There was a dress-up dinner available, but it was optional. If you didn’t want to go to it, you could go to the casual dinner in your tank-top and flip-flops.

#3 – At least you have 13 years of marriage and three kids to blame your “frumpy” wardrobe on. There’s no excuse for me!

#4 – Am I meeting you at the airport or are you picking me up? ;-)

#5 - Happy Anniversary!!

B said...

Hey Heather,
Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary. 13 years! Talk to me when you've been married for 28. lol
I love that dress you bought the other day. Be sure to take lots of pics of you in it and share with us. Have a ton of fun on your trip!
:) Brenda

Gypsy said...

Happy almost anniversary!!! And good luck with that whole dressing up thing. Yikes. ;)