07 May 2008

Who Are You and Where Is CMG?

Seriously. I've been taken over by a body snatcher. I don't know wtf is going on with me.

I? And the Ty-man? Had sex at 3:00AM yesterday.

OK, get the visuals over with. Can you picture it? See it? Good. Is it over? Continue reading...

The point I'm trying to make is that any time any body part of the Ty-man reaches over to my side of the bed during the night, I immediately wake up and shove him back over to his side of the bed. No, there isn't a piece of tape down the middle, but I know where his side ends and mine begins on our queen-size Tempur-Pedic.

I understand that it's a 60-inch wide bed. That's 30 inches of glorious space to spread out my ever-expanding mommy-ass. But I'm married to the Ty-man. All 6 feet, 3 inches of him. And the Ty-man? He likes to spread.


Normally, that drives me nuts. I want my sleep happy, comfortable, and undisturbed. Why? I don't know. I'm just made that way. I'm not a nighttime cuddler. Bite me.

But last night? When the Ty-man wandered over to my side? And planted his 20-pound exothermic arm across my chest?

Cue cheesy porn flick music and let the games begin!
(Sorry Betty and Chuck. I know this is the last thing you wanted to read regarding your sweet, youngest son. To you, he's the innocent little boy in a Star Wars t-shirt. To me? He's a sex-machine. There. I said it.)

And it's not just me being taken over by a late-night-sex-wantin'-body snatcher. I present you with the following evidence that Steve Jobs has possessed my husband:

Yep. You guessed it. That's the "I love Windows XP and Apple can't do it any better than Bill Gates does it" Ty-man. With his own MacBook Pro. Hell, he's even denounced Mr. Gates and is talking about switching our entire house (read: media server) over to Apple. Oh, yeah. I've converted him.

Your journey to the Dark Side is complete, my young apprentice! I'm so proud! *Sniff*

Writer's Note: Does this mean I actually had sex with Steve Jobs? Eeeeeewwwwwwww.


Lori said...

I feel your pain, hon.
My 6'2" 250lb hubby radiates heat like a Ben Franklin stove, and it bugs the shit out of me when he encroaches on my territory of our king size bed.
Of course, he does it by FLOPPING that 20lb tree branch of an arm (in his sleep) and whacking me in the head with it.
I really don't think he's asleep - I think it's payback for whatever bitchy thing I did or said that day.

LemonDrop said...

You are BOTH funny as shit. I loved reading this. I found it because I started my first post today, and saw later that all my music words were links, so I clickecd one and found all this wealth of like-minded (well, musically anyway) folk. Then I found a few interesting people like you two, and your penchant for potty mouth, for which I am well known.

Check out my blog... LemonDropTalks... I wonder if you feel the connection I felt through these two posts.

The Ferryman said...

If you are going to have sex at 3 AM, you should at least make a video so we can all enjoy it.

I can't believe you converted him.
I thought he was made of sterner stuff than that.


RiverPoet said...

YAY! Another Mac convert! Mwuahahahahahahaha!

I think we are just seeing a different side of CMG now. That certainly isn't a problem for me, but it might be for some who come here for humor. You are evolving, and there is nothing wrong with that!

Peace - D

Jenn said...

My dh is always over on my side too...but it might be my fault, since I seem to have a talent for blanket hogging!

Avitable said...

I'm so disappointed in Ty right now.

Donna said...

Oh, I remember those morning quickies . . . like they were, um, three years ago -

Damn, I'm jealous!

Anonymous said...

I've been trying to convert to a Mac for years, since I had to give mine back to a company that I worked for when they decided to close shop. He even had the task of buying my laptop and shipping it to me when I decided to extend our Aruba trip...and he bought a dell. I like it, but not as much as my old mac.

Oh, and my husband also is exothermic AND snores...try sleeping with that. It's so bad, his entire crew refuses to sleep in the same hotel room when they are on the road. I think he stays on his side of our king bed so that I can't reach over and smack him every time the damn saw starts in!

Liz Hill said...

I LOVE SNUGGLING and 3 AM sex and 4 AM sex and 5 Am--well you get the picture*giggling* Well if you were snuggling Fabby you'd love it too.

And i am SOOOO gonna covert him with the power of the MACBOOKPRO!

Ok, Where Was I? said...

I'm not a nighttime cuddler. Bite me. LOL.

Me neither. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've done it having been just asleep. Not for me.

Not Afraid To Use It said...

We could probably have 3am sex, but neither of us would remember it. We are both so wiped all the time that it would be zombie sex. And considering LittleBird is in our bed every night, that would not be pretty.

Unknown said...

Is that what you got me for my birthday? A MacBook Pro? You're the BEST!!

Oh, and about the 3:00 am sex...congratulations?

Gypsy said...

Aw, yeah. I knew date night would spark things up. ;)

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Lori - "Ben Franklin stove" - most awesome quote of the post! Hee hee!

Lemondrop - Glad you found me and dropped by! I will certainly stop by your place, hon! :-)

Fab - If I did record it, it would be for your eyes only, hon. And George Bush's! :-)

Momma - I know, ain't it grand? Thanks for sticking around!

Jenn - Yep, that'll do it! I just don't understand it, though. Even if you're blanket hogging, they should be OK because of that internal furnace. I don't get it.

Avitable - Sorry hon. You own an iPhone so you're on your way, too! :-)

Donna - I enjoyed it immensely. Even more if I didn't have mommy duty the next day!

MommyCosm - Ty-man snores, too. He finally went in for a sleep study and found out he was waking up 55 times an hour due to sleep apnea. He has a CPAP machine now. I sleep and so does he!

Turnbaby - You go girl! If we can get Fab to convert, next THE WORLD! Mwhahahahahahaha!

OK, Where Was I? - I knew we were soul mates for a reason.

NATUI - Sweet! Zombie sex! With minors! I smell a move script...

Teri - Yes, dear. You're getting a MacBook. ;-P

Gypsy - Hell, yeah baby!