25 July 2008

My Son, the Poop Bandit

So there I was on a roll, cleaning like a madwoman. I was vacuuming, mopping, cleaning counter tops - hell, I even cleaned windows. Yeah. That kind of roll. I didn't know what was going on but a cleaning bug must have crawled up my butt or latched onto my spine just below my skull because I was all about the cleaning thing on Wednesday.

Well, Karma is a bitch and she decided that there was too much clean around here. She decided there needed to be a balance to all the clean. So, she sent in her pinch hitter to take care of that.

I went upstairs to check on J-man at the end of his afternoon nap. He had been quiet for two solid hours. Bliss. I walk in, he's sitting up happily chewing on his pacifier, holding his cat toy. There's his dragon, his other pacifier, and... what's that?

There's a spot. No, there's two. Three. And. They're. Brown.

OMFGBBQ! It's poop! All over the place!

On his leg, in his hair!
On his paci! Everywhere!
(Yes. I sound like Dr. Seuss. Quite appropriate, don't you think?)

Child + poop at the consistency of room temperature cake frosting + gaping diaper = no more clean

Poo was on the front of the paci in his mouth and all over the paci he was holding in his hand.

Oh. My. God. All I could think was that he was going to come down with every friggin' disease known to man.

I carried him, all four pacifiers, and kitty toy to the bath tub. He's wailing, twins are downstairs fussing, I'm muttering, and poop is floating in the tub.

All you mothers know what I'm talking about. You've been here before. Hell, I've been here twice already. It just struck me as funny that this came at the end of a day of cleaning.

All turned out well. J-man was bathed, the sheets, clothes, and kitty toy came out of the washer and dryer clean and fluffy, the tub was Cloroxed, the pacifiers were promptly boiled in water hot enough to melt the skin off my hands, and Karma got her wish.

As for my kid coming down with e-coli/typhoid/plague/poop crud? I'll keep you posted.


Anonymous said...

Oh, but now you have a poop story to embarass him with when you tell his future girlfriends!

Anonymous said...

What's an OMFG barbecue? I'm going to guess, by context, that it's bad.

I'm pretty sure that it happens to the best of us - they go through the poop smearing phase. I mean, I hope mine doesn't, but they do.

Vonda said...

Oh my word...yikes! Ella Rose has NOT done that yet...but my brother and nephew and Ian told me he did it too (of course when he was a baby) :)...must be a boy thing...I hope it's a boy thing since I have 2 girls.

Bluestreak said...

oh damn! poopie on the paci! that is damn cruel that karma.

Anonymous said...

You just gotta laugh at that point, because there's nothing else you can do. It's like some crazy hazing that the fraternity dishes out to parents to help 'em earn their stripes... or something.

Anonymous said...


That is so gross. I actually gagged a little at the part about the paci.

Hope he stays healthy and doesn't come down with "e-coli/typhoid/plaque/poop crud?"!

If the cleaning bug is still up your butt, you can always come over to my house. I can't seem to keep up.

Miss Britt said...

He just ate his OWN poop, right?

Ahhh, he'll be FINE! hehehe

Donna said...

GAG! That's all I got, just GAG!

Now, where did I put my mouthwash ...

Expat No. 3699 said...

That reminded me of the time my BBF called me when her daughter got poop out of her diaper and was gumming it. "Eeeww!" I thought as I hung up. "My kid will NEVER do that!"

Ha! About a week later I went to retrieve him from his nap and it was the same scenario you just described. As I was cleaning him up I noticed he had something in his mouth. You guessed it, Poop!

Kids, gotta love 'em!

Avitable said...

I'm just commenting to laugh. I know it's mean, but I just can't help it!

Anonymous said...

Oh! This story made my day! I know it definitely didn't make your day, but any laugh for me right now is good!

HEATHER said...

Heather you need to make friends with my online buddy "Black Betty"!
Her little just pulled a similar trick.
I have been dealing with vomit all week long.

Anonymous said...


that was kind of a "special" post to wake up to on a Saturdaymorn'n...

* GAG *

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Holy shit, woman. No pun intended. That is just awful. We had to leave a bday party today bc both kids got the shits within seconds of each other. We blamed it on the dog and made a quick exit, stage left.

Anonymous said...

Did he give you that "shit-eating grin?"

I had to say that....I couldn't help myself!

Gypsy said...

Heh. The pinch hitter pinched a loaf.

Molly's Mom said...

Holy crap! I miss a couple days and come back to...this?!?

Knock on wood, we've never had this particular problem. Poop in the tub, yes, but not this.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Miss Night Owl - Exactly!

A Free Man - Yes, it's very bad. So bad that you're contemplating BBQ while cleaning up poop!

Vonda - It is mostly a boy thing. Hopefully, your girls will not do that to you! And if they do, blame it on Ian's genes! :)

Bluestreak - Serious Karma.

Soup Is Not a Finger Food - During it? Muttering. Several days later? Now laughing.

MommyCosm - So far, so good. No crud as of yet. What's your address? :)

Miss Britt - Hee hee! :)

Donna - Oh, honey. I thought about washing his mouth out with soap. Poor kid.

Employee No. 3699 - Eeeewwww! Kids are disgusting.

Avitable - Laugh away, my dear. Jigsaw will so turn on you one day. :)

Mrs. Mustard - Glad you laughed hon! You needed it!

Other Heather - Now, vomit I can't handle. Ish.

DutchBitch - Glad to make your Saturday special! :)

NATUI - Nothing, though, can top your mushroom-sprouting diapers! :)

Metal Mom - HA! That's awesome!

Gypsy - Dude. You are so damaged. That's why I love you. :)

Molly's Mom - Oh, yeah. Holy crap indeed!