18 July 2008

The Shorts From Hell

There are many changes one goes through after birthing one or more children. There's the whole excess skin baggage that only a plastic surgeon, scalpel, and stitches can cure. Then there's the lower back pain that sticks with you even after the baby hits the catcher's mitt. Oh, and? Don't forget the sagging breasts! Yeah! Yeah!

My all-time favorite has to be... drum roll please... the dysfunctional bladder. Woo hoo! In the past, I had a bladder the size of a gallon milk jug. And my Kegel muscle? Hell to the yeah, baby! That muscle was on it! No pee was getting past that one!

Now? My bladder is just ish - it's worthless and holds practically nothing and my Kegel muscle? What used to hold back the contents of my Lake Mead bladder? Can no longer even hold off a small trickle.

Enter the shorts from Hell*:

What sadist man (yes men, I'm blaming you) designed these shorts?!?! I'm so focused on the bodily functions of my kids and making sure said functions reach the proper receptacle (and not my carpet or their clothes) that my own functions end up on the backburner. Behind the sad and worthless Kegel muscle. In the bladder that holds nothing. And these shorts? Are the only clean shorts in my drawer. And it's 95 degrees outside. Jeans are out of the question.

Whatever happened to a simple button? Just one? Or one snap? Why a button and two clasps? Plus a zipper to negotiate! Four things! FOUR locks, if you will because believe me they're locks when you're doing the 36-year-old pee pee dance, that I have to work through! Before I pee all over my legs! And have my nearly potty-trained twins laughing at me! It's like a friggin' chastity belt but how can I be chaste when Ty-man, multiple doctors, nurses, in-laws (even the hospital cafeteria-food-delivery-girl) have seen ALL of me?

The moral to this story is if you've birthed the kids, buy the simple one button/snap short. Or better yet, just go for elastic. Just one push and they're down!

Yep. That's it. This post just went horribly pear-shaped. I'm going to bed.
* Yeah, no. No way I'm taking a picture of those shorts on my body! Nope! No way! Nada!


Anonymous said...

Step away from the Mom Jeans. Step AWAY from the Mom Jeans!!


Bucky said...

That just furthers my belief that women should run around in their panties 99% of the time.

Expat No. 3699 said...

Okay, I never use that button on the inside. Who the "F" can get your fingers inside to even button it? I am convinced that button is there 'just for show'.

Yes, the clasps are lame, but so are the 'men' that designed them.

Elastic would be so much easier and quicker, but I can not bring myself to that point...yet.


And if it makes you feel any better, my bladder has shrunk to the size of a pea. A small, sweet June pea.

Tim Appleton (Applehead) said...

I concur with Bucky....

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Can I get an AMEN! Which is entirely the reason I shop in the Junior department. The large sizes are always leftover on the clearance rack, and they never, ever have those types of clasps.

Avitable said...

This is why I hang around in my manties.

Liz Hill said...

really glad I have dogs;-)

HEATHER said...

Or you could do like me and buy the $15 old lady house dresses from the K-Mart. Not pretty, but at least the colors are loud!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

H - Stepping away slowly before I hurt myself!

Molly's Mom - I've decided I'm all about the snap shorts!

Bucky - Um, no. Me in my panties? SCARY! Don't need the UPS deliveryman falling over dead from fright!

Employee #3699 - It's a sadistic plot! Friggin' button from hell!

Tim Appleton - Don't encourage the crazy hillbilly, please!

NATUI - Praise the LORD, Sista! Be HEALED!

Avitable - Manties?!?!? ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

Turnbaby - Be glad, sweetie. Very, very glad.

Other Heather - I'm not ready yet! NOOOOO! Don't make me!

MB said...

Why button the button? It's unnecessary. I never do. The clasps are a bit of a pain, but not too difficult to manage. Just ignore the button, and your problem is at least halfway solved.

Violet the Verbose said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I just laughed all the way through reading that. I have shorts with the same bad design. You're right, WTF? Chastity belt says it all. They should put all those locks on teenagers' pants instead of ours, dammit!

Anonymous said...

Haha! I don't get that button either. Usually I just don't even button it. My favorite shorts right now are super comfy, but there's a zipper, button AND drawstring to deal with. Ridiculous!

Great to meet you tonight, hope y'all had fun and got into lots of trouble after I left :)

Donna said...

Um, I'm not admitting I wear the elastic ones, like, all the time, or anything but, um, yeah - so much easier!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

liz mcd - I could leave the button unbuttoned, but that would just drive me nuts. I can't ignore it. I'm a freak, I know. :)

Violet the Verbose - Seriously! All that hardware should be on the juniors' clothes. Keep out of the panties!

Mentally Rehearsed - My favorite short are my double-snap shorts. Easy to get down in emergencies! Great meeting you, too!

Donna - Admit it! Admit it!

Gypsy said...

This is why sometimes I don't do that interior button thing and just go for the hook and bar dealies. And I haven't had kids.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Gypsy - I'm thinking of converting all of my shorts to... landfill. :)

Lori said...

First, I just have to admit that 98% of the time I wear capri pants with elastic-in-the-back pants. No buttons, no zippers. I have them in white, denim and tan - cause my lovely Auntie the clotheshorse was cleaning out her closet. Clearly, I have no pride. :)
But most important - I have just GOT to thank you for that nod to Lake Mead. The water level's dropping daily and you can't see shit when you scuba dive (I got certified there) cause of the muck and silt. But it's my neck of the woods and I thank you!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Lori - It was either Lake Mead or Lake Nassar. :) Send me some of those crop pants!

Lori said...

I would send you some of my capri pants if they weren't the only scraps of material vaguely resembling presentable clothes in my closet.
Without those - I'm naked as a jaybird.
I can ask Auntie where she got 'em though ...

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Lori - I always freely accept Auntie fashion advice regarding large amounts of elastic! :)