15 August 2008

I Shoulda Bought an Iguana Part 3

Oh, yes. There's a part three. There may be a part four, part five, who knows. Yeesh.

As Ty-man marched upstairs for yesterday's morning constitutional, I heard Heather, could you come here, please?


And there is was. Cat piss. On the living room floor. Uh-oh indeed.

All I could think was That's it. Ty-man has absolutely had it and I'm going to come home from dropping the twins off at school and Pirtuk will be gone. Poof. A smear on the floor. Little tufts of white fur here and there. And then I'll have to get out the shotgun. Or the steak knives. Or some such method of quick Ty-man death that will make a huge mess, but retribution will be had if he does away with my cat. Crap. It's going to be such a cluster. You know, the usual: blood, guts, and whining kids.


So, off I went to the vet, 16-pound cat in tow (don't ask) to make absolutely sure the furball didn't have some sort of, well, urinary tract crud.

Turns out? No crud (duh). It's all behavioral as in I'm pissed you brought those hairless monkeys home instead of pawning them off on some other unsuspecting family because, after all, it is all about me (and that other cat, Whatshisname) and since you haven't figured that out I think I'll miss the litter box. On purpose. Cha-cha! And put me Lolcats already! What is your damage?


The vet reiterated the need for multiple litter boxes and then? Here comes the best part. Are you ready?

Vet: We can prescribe him Prozac.
Me: *blink*
Vet: It will help with his anxiety over the obvious changes in the house that are causing him to pee and poo all over the place.
Me: *blink*
Vet: And it might keep him from doing this any more.
Me: *blink*
Vet: It's only $7.50 for a month's supply.
Me: Really? Could you plop me down on that scale and prescribe me some of that for $7.50 a month? I could piss on the floor right now.
Vet: *blink*

So, to re-cap; my cat is now medicated, I am now the proud owner of three litter boxes, a trip to the pound has been averted, I'm currently eye-balling a $7.50 bottle of kitty Prozac and wondering if thirty half-pills would get me through one afternoon, and I didn't need a crime scene clean-up service after all.

For now.


Anonymous said...

Your cat is on Prozac.

Your cat is on Prozac.

I'm pretty sure that house pets on anti-depressants is somewhere in Revelations as a sign of the impending apocalypse.

RiverPoet said...

Wow...this is something my vet recommended once for one of my cats. Of course, if I had tried to put the pill down his throat, he would have disassembled me. He was a bit mean...

Peace - D

Molly's Mom said...

And how fun is it to get kitty to take pills?

We've been fairly lucky...one of ours *used to* (knocking on wood) piss in the basement if we (husband) were stupid enough to leave dirty laundry on the floor. She hasn't done it since we moved. Everything would be good if we could stop the yakking all over the place, however.

Anonymous said...


Now that's a story for another day...

Heather, I see a whole series comming soon to an blog near you...

Hope you have a good day! Only 31 more hours til Date Night!

Avitable said...

Anti-anxiety medicine for pets. We live in a hilarious world.

Anonymous said...

Please,please,please make a video of you giving the cat those pills!!!!


Unknown said...

Even the putty tats need a little "mother's helper" every now and then!

(And what does it say about me that I'd consider being an ABT technician?!?!)

Bucky said...

Is it the same "prozac" that is subscribed to humans? At $7.50 a bottle you could make a fortune on that stuff.

Tell your vet that your cat has back problems and needs some Oxycontin. Get me, I mean your cat, some of those.

Expat No. 3699 said...

Forget the cats, forget getting an iguana...you need a Chia Pet!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Please tell me you ACTUALLY said that to the vet and it wasn't what you thought in your head as a response. Because if you actually told the vet you would piss on his floor I think I have to have a marble statue carved in your honor.

Miss Britt said...

I need to find a vet.

Willie G said...

Does your vet treat humans??

Anonymous said...


I'm really hoping that you said that to the vet!

Prozac. So kitty won't be so pissed that he pisses everywhere. For real?!

I'm dying to know if it works.

I wish that I could have a prescription for all the other pissed off beings in my life.

penny said...

Are you sure it's not some kind of scam by your cat? Like maybe some other cat told Pirtuk "Want a way to get some really good drugs? All you gotta do is piss on the floor." If the cat doesn't mind taking the pills, you know something is fishy.

I'm pretty sure I could piss on the floor for some $7.50 Prozac.

Lori said...

Heather, Babe ... this is one of your funniest EVER. Nevermind that all animal humor makes me laugh (I'm kinda stupid that way) but the convo with your vet had me snickering and hoping I wouldn't pee. (We talked about that bladder issue, 'member?) You just made my day!

HEATHER said...

My index finger has never regained the feeling in it from the time I tried to give one of my cats a pill and she bit down.
There used to be an internet joke out there about all the things someone went through trying to get their cat to take a pill and the joke ended with the human taking the pill. Good Luck!
Did you get the Cat Attract litter?
It really works!

That Chick Over There said...

Oddly, you are the 2nd person I've known that has a cat on Prozac.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

A Free Man - I know, hon. Keep repeating it. I'm doing the same thing.

River Poet - My cousin's cat took anti-anxiety stuff and I made fun of it! Karma. Friggin' Karma

Molly's Mom - Actually, I have this little pill thingee (sort of like a syringe) that I shove in the back of his throat and push down and POOF pill is in.

Ty-man - Oh, yeah, the never ending blog about "Barf Bag." Can't wait. :)

Avitable - Don't we? But he quit shitting outside the box!

Metal Mom - I'll think about it! :)

Teri - Does that mean I need "Kitty's helper?" :)

Bucky - Yep, just in a much smaller dosage. I'll ask about the Oxycontin, but I may get arrested. Bail me out?

Employee No. 3699 - Chi-chi-chia!

NATUI - Well, I didn't say piss. I said pee. Does that count? Do I get the statue?

Britt - No. Doubt.

Willie G - I wish.

MommyCosm - So far, it is working. Either that or the extra two litter boxes. Who knows?

Penny - HA! That's funny!

Lori - Thanks, hon. Glad I made your day! :)

Other Heather - Yeah, that can be dangerous.

That Chick Over There - Really? Wow.

.:| Melissa.Mizladytaz |:. said...

(playing catch up here)

ROFLMAO @ the you & the vet coversation!

I once had a similar conversation with a vet. I had taken my dog in for her vaccinations, and inquired about the cost for getting her fixed. He informed me that the cost was $30! GREAT! I said! SO cheap!! (This was back in 1993 - I WISH it was still that cheap!!)

I then proceeded to ask him if the procedure was similar to a woman getting her tubes tied? Yes, it is. Basically the same thing, he said.

I then proceeded to ask him if he'd do the surgery, to tie MY tubes for $30!!???

He told me that he was sorry, but he's not allowed to do that.