08 August 2008

That's Not Your Water

Britt posted a very funny story yesterday about her husband (a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away, and while in a drunken stupor) peeing in their closet. I snorted with laughter and, in the comments section, promised to tell my own embarrassing pee story. (And yes, the picture to the left is me, pregnant with the twins, on bed rest. Ah, those were the days...)

Pregnancy does funny things to us ladies. Twin pregnancies will just screw. you. up. Since there were two babies, rather than just one, all stuffed up in there, I looked bigger than my actual pregnancy date. This also meant that my bladder was the size of a walnut - at the five month mark! So you can understand why at seven-and-a-half months, I had no bladder to speak of. I seriously thought about investing in adult diapers.

The month before my labor was induced I was placed on bed rest, meaning I couldn't get out of the bed unless I wanted to shower or use the toilet. As you can imagine, I was peeing quite a bit and was holding out for as long as possible so that I wasn't up and down all day. When I finally couldn't stand the pressure any longer, I would ungracefully roll off the bed and waddle into the bathroom, all the while doing a very ungainly pregnant-lady-pee-pee dance. It was horrifying. Thank the gods for elastic maternity pants.

On September 13th, I was admitted to the hospital because I had developed preeclampsia and my OB/GYN wanted to monitor the twins' heartbeats as well as my liver. My stay was rather ho-hum until my second night there when I had, as usual, held the pee for as long as I could. I was not looking forward to waddling down the hall to the community bathroom. Just as I reached the door to my room, I felt it. Liquid was rushing down my legs and I was horrified, convinced my water had just broken. The liquid didn't smell like pee, didn't look like pee in the dim light, and it didn't feel like I was peeing. I was convinced I was having the twins right then and there in the basement of that hospital in that crappy room. The liquid just kept coming, and dribbling, and gushing down my legs. Think Austin Powers. "Evacuation com.... Evacu..... Evacuation comp...." Yeah.

I was hollering to the nurse's station next door, I think my water just broke! Or I just peed myself! Is it my water?!? Did my water just break?!? I think it's my water! It doesn't feel like I peed! The nurse just shook her head and said, You just peed, darlin'.

Oh, I was mortified. There was this trained, educated nurse cleaning up my pee while I just stood there in complete shock. I waddled on down the hall, leaving a trail of pee footprints behind me, to the community shower and washed away my embarrassing indiscretion and slunked (as much as a 7-and-a-half-month pregnant-with-twins woman can slink) back into my room knowing I would no longer wait until the last minute to pee.

I'm sure those nurses still talk about me to that day. Do ya'll remember that woman who was convinced her water broke?!? And it was really her pee?!? I swear, I was cleanin' that stuff up for at least an hour! You'd've thought it was Lake Lanier! Hee hee!


HEATHER said...

Girl, what in the heck are you eating in that picture?
Funny story though.
When I was pregnant with Paddycake, I lived in fear that my water would break while I was sleeping and thereby ruin my mattress. So crazy the thoughts that get into your head when you are pregnant. I even bought a waterproof mattress cover.
That didn't happen, but after Paddy was born, I was standing in the kitchen, and felt something running down my leg, and damn, it wasn't water! You are right, pregnancy really does a number on the body!!

penny said...

A pregnant woman couldn't even have her own bathroom? Especially when she's supposed to be on bed rest? What is up with that?

RiverPoet said...

I wish I had the nerve to tell the world my 7-days-in-hell story of the great ileus incident, in which I recovered from an intestinal shutdown post-hysterectomy. Truly, I could probably make it laugh-out-loud funny, but it was an absolutely humbling week out of my life. God bless nurses.

Honey, I can tell you that pee is nothing compared to what they cleaned up for me.

But it is hilarious to think of you standing there screaming that your water just broke :-)

Peace (not pees) D

Avitable said...

That picture is awesome! And community bathroom? Your hospital didn't have bathrooms in each room?

Expat No. 3699 said...

I'm sure you're not the only one that's happened to and I'm also sure that nurses have had to clean up much worse.

And yeah, what the hell are you eating in the picture?

Donna said...

Ah, the great pee-mistaken-for-broken-water-while pregnant story. Yep, been there.
And you're so right, the chaos a pregnancy does to a body not only during but what you deal with forever after.
I recently had a male client tell me he would never want to be a woman, that being a man was easier, less stressful, and cheaper. I thought that was the greatest compliment a guy could ever give me (um, now that I'm married and have a post-babies body - that is)

Miss Britt said...

LOVE that picture! LOL

Oh the pee pee footprints. I'm sad to say, that brings back a few memories.

Anonymous said...

OK, the pee pee footprints! I had a separate form of them yesterday after BamBam's damn potty seat leaked. Little pee pee footprints all over. Joy. I can totally picture you waddling down a hall leaving prints...LOL.

What the heck kind of hospital were you in that you had to walk down the hall to use the bathroom?! Even during the shortest of my 12 hospital stays while pregnant with BamBam, the worse I had was a shared bathroom in between my room and another...with a door right in my room. I'm horrified.

Oh, and my worse story from that time...I was extremely constipated post c-section and was downright ILL over it. Miserable. I try to block out the memory, but I seem to recall a pill and a nurse, me having to bend over...and feeling violated. You really check your humility at the door when giving birth.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

How in the world did we both write a pee pee post on the same day? Good lord! LOL

Great story. I have heard lots of stories of pee/water-breaking. My water never broke either time, so I can't relate on that level. But holy cow the look on your face must have been priceless.

And yeah --what the hell is up with having someone on bedrest walk down the hall to the toilet?

B said...

Okay, you made me pee myself laughing at that story! I'm not even pregnant and I can't hold my pee more than a minute. I used to could go all day without going pee, but anymore, when I feel the "urge", I'd better run, not walk, to the nearest toilet or I'll be peeing all over the place! And what are you shoving in your face in that pic? Whatever it is, it looks yummy!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Sugar-free angel food cake topped with strawberries and Cool Whip. Food of the diabetic gods!

Penny - Dude. It completely sucked. It was the old ER wing of the hospital converted to high-risk perinatal overflow. Major suckage.

River Poet - Dude. That sounds horrible. But you're right - nurses are awesome.

Avitable - Yeah. That's what I said. A lousy sink is what I got. Could you imagine me crouching over that?

Employee No. 3699 - My version of low-sugar strawberry shortcake. Woo hoo!

Donna - That is a great compliment. Did you kiss him? For all of us?

Britt - They were such sad little yellow footprints, too.

MommyCosm - From what I understand Northside now has a nice, large high-risk perinatal ward since their recent construction. Back in 2005? Us ladies got the shaft.

NATUI - I'm telling you! Separated. At. Birth. Our parents have some 'splaining to do!

B - Pregnancy is murder for the Kegel muscle. It sucks.

Robin said...

I've been a little absent from reading blog posts lately, but I'm so glad I didn't miss this one! I practically peed myself laughing!! Thanks for a GREAT story...

Ironically, when my water broke (only with my second, not my first), I thought I HAD peed...

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Toasty - So glad I made you laugh! See? I'm not the only one! :)