23 September 2008

My Boring-Ass Life, Part Un*

6:30 AM - Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
6:40 AM - Alarm goes off again. Hit snooze.
6:41 AM - Lay there. Should I get up? Nah. I'll get up in 9 minutes and I won't shave. I'll wear long pants. But 9 minutes aren't going to make me feel more rested. I'm already awake. But, the bed is warm and I really just want to lay here. But if I lay here, then I'm going to be late with my shower, late getting the kids ready, late drinking my coffee, late getting the kids to school, late...
6:42 AM - Fuck it. I'm getting up. And I'll shave.
7:05 AM - Out of the shower, dressed, wet hair in a bun. Turn on every light in the bedroom to awaken the sleeping beast (a.k.a. Ty-man) and head to the twins' room.
7:10 AM - Twins are finally on toilets and whining.
7:30 AM - Twins are dressed and I'm heading into J-man's room.
7:40 AM - Everyone is eating breakfast and whining because they want to go to school NOW!
7:41 AM - Explain that we can't go to school now because we have to eat breakfast and besides, school isn't open yet.
7:42 AM - More whining.
7:43 AM - More attempt at rational explanation.
7:44 AM - More whining.
7:45 AM - My head explodes.
7:46 AM - Ty-man hands me coffee. I drink it through my now-exposed esophagus.
8:00 AM - Herd twins into bathroom for potty break and the brushing of teeth.
8:01 - 8:10 AM - Follow J-man around the main floor of the house with a toothbrush. Whenever I catch up to him, swipe the toothbrush across his teeth. I manage to do this twice.
8:15 AM - Shoes are on, kids are loaded in the mini-van, coffee is in the drink holder.
8:25 AM - Kids are dropped off with nary a glance back at me. Yeah, screw you guys, too.
8:35 AM - Back at home. J-man finds week-old Cheerio and eats it. I? Shrug my shoulders and sniff out more coffee. At least now I don't have to vacuum.
8:36 AM - 9:30 AM - Play with J-man. Listen to J-man fuss. Watch J-man suss out more old, nasty Cheerios and two-hour-old banana off the kitchen floor. I? Gag repeatedly. Do I stop him? No. What doesn't kill him...
9:30 AM - 9:45 AM - Put J-man down for first nap.
9:46 AM - 11: 15 AM - With the Iron Man soundtrack cranked so loud on my iPod that I couldn't even hear a nuclear explosion if it went off next to my house**, I begin the long process of cleaning up toys***, washing dishes, pampering my annoyingly undeserving felines (a.k.a. dosing up "Prozac Nation" with his daily meds), and contemplating a blog post.
11:15 AM - Wake up J-man and make a run for the mini-van.
11:25 AM - Pick up twins from school. What follows is a ten-minute diatribe of Miss-Miss asking about every truck and car we pass, interspersed with questions about her crush (she's in love with a little boy at school) and her Papa. Bubba? He's processing.
11:35 AM - Arrive home. Twin potty break followed by a wash-cloth wipe down (Playground dirt! Playground dirt! In my house!! AAAHHHH!) and a wardrobe change.
11:36 AM - Miss-Miss says she wants to watch Little Bear.
11:37 AM - Tell her that I'll put Little Bear on as soon as I finish cleaning them up and changing their clothes.
11:38 AM - Miss-Miss says she wants to watch Little Bear NOW!
11:39 AM - Repeat that yes, they're going to watch Little Bear as. soon. as. I'm. damned. good. and. ready.
11:40 AM - No, Miss-Miss says, she wants Little Bear now or there's going to be hell to pay.
11:41 AM - Insert Little Bear.
11:42 AM - Wonder if North Korean nuclear talks are this difficult.
11:43 AM - Go to whitehouse.gov and volunteer via e-mail to mediate said talks.
11:44 AM - Realize I've just put myself out there for a Secret Service anal probe.
11: 45 AM - I contemplate a fifth of vodka and hara-kiri****. Kids? Wreaking havoc. Must be time for lunch!

Don't you wish you had my life? Tune in tomorrow for more "grip you by the seat of your Jockey's" action!

* With apologies to the great and wonderful Kevin Smith who will now probably sue me. Or make me listen to the stream-of-consciousness stylings of Jason Mewes. Wait. Maybe that's not a bad thing.
** Yep. I'm a bad mother. I know. Can't even hear my kid cry. I'll be waiting for your call, DFACS.
*** Because having a baseline to work from is always a good thing.
**** Bet you thought it was hari-kari, right? Yeah. American's don't know jack about Japanese culture. And four asterisks? Gad, I'm losing my touch.


HEATHER said...

That Secret Service anal probe sentence should get you a lot of fun visits! :-)
Honestly though, our government should utilize all of us mother's of toddlers and preschoolers, honey we could get all kinds of mediations done!!!

Bucky said...

That's boring? Sounds pretty action packed to me!

Anonymous said...

Man, I don't know how you do it on a daily basis. I had my one for a couple of days and was plumb wore out. You've got three every single day and seem to survive. Hat off, ma'am.

RiverPoet said...

Gah! All I can say is, "This too shall pass." I don't blame you for putting on the iPod, though. You gotta have a break!

Peace - D

Unknown said...

Much more action packed than my daily routine! And why are you eating a slave Leia action figure?

Expat No. 3699 said...

I would have gone for the extra nine minutes and not shaved my legs...but that's just me.

Anonymous said...

I did almost the same thing.

Except diapers were involved.
No car,but a stroller.
No shower, just a swipe of deodorant.
No Little Bear, but Lazy Town.
No vodka, but Southern Comfort.

I guess our days were different after all!

Anonymous said...

There is light at the end of the incredibly long tunnel. My house is chaos for the morning routine to get the kids out of the house. Both are at school and I am home by 9am. Alone. By myself. Peace. Until about 3:30 when the after school routine begins. Bedtime is 7:30 on school nights.
You have a couple more years...but it WILL get better, I swear!

Molly's Mom said...

Ninja mom! Seriously, I don't know how people with more than one kid do it...I'd go batshit crazy!

And I'm still tossing around the idea of another one - at my age? I guess I'm already batshit crazy!

Avitable said...

I knew it was hari-kiri. But then again, I speak Japanese.

Three hours just doesn't seem long enough for the twins to be in school.

Gypsy said...

I couldn't do it. Nope. Not a chance.