15 October 2008

She is So Screwed

So, I'm a member of the NMMOMC. Sounds official, doesn't it? Go ahead, take a stab at what that is. A lobbying group? Pissed-off Mickey Mouse people? Not quite.

Try the North Metro Mothers of Multiples Club. Yep. It's a place for all us moms of twins and higher-order-multiples to get together and whine over our coffees and cookies while our multiples multiply the noise level of wherever it is we meet.

Except? I've never been to the first meeting, the first playgroup, or the first rummage sale. I'm just not a joiner. Ironic since I'm a sorority girl but I guess I've always been afraid that I would show up to one of these things and get criticized for doing something with the twins that works for us but is completely taboo to everyone else. I don't take criticism well. So, I'm a twin-mom loner. Screw it! I'll do it myself! As friend Teri says, "MARTYR!!!" I love you too, hon. Bite me.

And then? It happened. I got an e-mail from the NMMOMC about a woman who is due with twins on October 31st. Living in my neighborhood. And I've been assigned to be her mentor.

She is so screwed. Soon-to-be-twin mom? Let the lessons begin:
  1. Breast feeding them at once? You'll get the babies fed in 30 minutes as opposed to one hour. But? No free hand to feed yourself breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Or that all-important postpartum chocolate snack. Sorry.
  2. About the time you get one to sleep? And then you work on getting the second one to sleep? The first one is going to wake up. You'll get to sleep again in about six months. But in the meantime, you'll get updated on all the late-night infomercials. A TiVo is critical.
  3. Infant twins sleep best on rainy days. And after immunizations. Pray for rain and shots. Seriously.
  4. Just because they've been squished together in your womb for nine months does not mean they're going to be happy cuddled together for two minutes for a picture. In fact? It's guaranteed they're going to hate it. Photoshop will become your best friend.
  5. Don't pump breast milk in front of the husband. Kind of a turn-off. Unless you're looking for that result. Then rent a pump from the hospital for the bargain price of $60.00 per month! Birth control, baby!
  6. Anytime you need a break, bring those little sweeties over here. They'll most likely be drooled and snotted on and Bubba and Miss-Miss will probably chuck a plethora of Thomas the Tank Engine trains into their pack 'n play. But hey, you'll get a break from them, right? And they'll get exposed to other twins, right? And their germs! Erm, maybe not.
  7. Finally? It's all worth it. Trust me. Just 15 more years and they're out of the house... Wait, did I just type that out loud? Crap.
Typing out my NMMOMC resignation letter right now.


HEATHER said...

I always think of the Groucho Marx quote," I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
I keep threatening to dye my hair pink for the next Republican Womens Forum meeting. I just have to be a rebel!

Avitable said...

There are enough of you to warrant a club?

Anonymous said...

But you have to mentor her!!

How else will there be another rebel in the group? You can mold her into your likeness....kinda like sculpy.

Dave2 said...

You make it sound so appealing that I want to go out and have twins right now!

RiverPoet said...

Let's face it. She just needs a little hope right now, and maybe you can be that. Either that or she needs to scream and cry. Ok, maybe especially after she comes to your place ;-)

It's can't be easy having multiples, and with more women getting in vitro and using fertility drugs, I think there are going to be a lot more Jon & Kate's out there.

Peace - D

Molly's Mom said...

Wow...what a lucky woman she is ;)
Mentor the crap out of her!

Gypsy said...

I think she'll be very glad to have you around.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Oh, I so dare you to do that! A punker Republican!

Avitable - Oh, yeah. And membership is growing everyday because of the use of fertility drugs!

MetalMom - Ooooo! You're right! We can be the rebels!

Dave2 - Secretly, you're jealous. I know you are.

RiverPoet - She can always scream and cry at my joint!

Molly's Mom - HA!

Gypsy - Thanks, hon!