29 January 2009

The E-Mail I Should Have Sent

Dear Homeowner Serfs,
This is your HOA Empress speaking. According to our By-Laws, I'm supposed to allow you pitiful nothings an annual meeting where you get to vote in new figurehead board members and approve a budget.

Yeah. Whatever. A budget. SNORT! The budget may say that we're using your money to pay for landscaping and pool maintenance. But actually? I'll be parking a Chevy Corvette in my garage and putting a down payment on my vacation home in Bonaire.

The only problem is that I need a quorum of homeowners to vote on this nonsense and you idiots? Aren't giving me said quorum. That little slip of paper? That you found in your mailbox last week? That says "Aw, shucks! I can't make it to the meeting! Just let Empress Heather vote on my behalf because she's just swell!" You must sign your name to it (or an X, you uneducated buffoons) and hand it over and don't even bother coming to the meeting. I'll approve the Bonaire/Corvette budget and vote my three best friends in the director positions. Even though said friends don't live here. But I don't care. Because I'm the HOA Empress.

So, just stay at home, eat your gruel, and live in fear. After all, isn't that how dictatorships work?

Her Imperial Highness Heather


HEATHER said...

I'm so glad you have finally seen the light! Total Heather World Domination begins!

Michael from dadcation.com said...

I'm a little intimidated. Glad my 'hood doesn't have an HOA.

Patois42 said...

I'd so sign such a slip.

Expat No. 3699 said...

Forget putting those sheets in everyone's mailbox. Just pull out some Ticonderogas and have the kids practice the letter 'X' on them.

Anonymous said...

Hell, while you're at it, vote yourself in as Goddess. Emporess has its privileges and all, but Goddess sounds waaaaay better.

sybil law said...

I really am scared.

Anonymous said...

I've always thought that dictatorship was the way to go, particularly the more I see democracy in action.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Totally!

Father Muskrat - As well you should be. "Intimidating Bitch" is my middle name.

Patois - Thanks, hon!

Employee No. 3699 - Oooooh! You're a genius!

Giggle Pixie - So very true. Goddess Heather does have a nice ring to it.

Sybil Law - As well you should be. :)

A Free Man - And I'm just the dictator this joint needs!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

When you can beat 'em, join 'em. Then take over so you can hear the Imperial March played for you in the streets as you survey your domain.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

NATUI - Dude. I may just have that shit playing at the meetings, anyway!