10 March 2009

Key Hunter

So there I was, returning home at 1:30AM Saturday night/Sunday morning after a successful ghost hunt. I was happy that I had spent an evening with friends doing something I love and ecstatic that we had a couple of weird things happen. And then it hit me in the gut.

I didn't have a house key.
And the ringer was turned off the phone handset in our bedroom.
And Ty-man wears a CPAP machine which means he can't hear anything, including the doorbell.

Frakking frak-stick.

After my fellow investigators dropped me off (I told them to leave because, good gracious, what could they do?), I began throwing rocks at our second-story bedroom windows, calling the phone (Maybe he would hear the ringing going on downstairs?) and ringing the doorbell (Maybe the kids would hear the doorbell, start crying, and wake up their dad?). And nothing worked. And I was doing the pee-pee dance.

Yeah. It was almost 2AM/3AM (idiot Daylight Savings) and I had to pee and there wasn't a toilet in sight.

So, off I went to the back yard and as you fellow gals know, it's impossible for a woman to pee standing up without peeing on her pants, socks, undies, legs, feet, shoes, yadda, yadda. Everything. And that is why I found myself half-naked, in the pine straw next to the back of my house, squatting, and peeing.

Yeah, you read that right. I took a piss in my backyard. And it was liberating. And FREEZING!

Empty bladder achieved, I found a dry leaf for dabbing and got back to the task at hand. How, in the name of Zeus's butt hole, was I going to get into my house? I walked back to the front door and continued my rock throwing/doorbell ringing/phone calling combo, all to no avail.

And that's when Jodi, the Girl Scout troop leader, the "crack"ies pusher, the HOA President, came out of her front door. I figured she was investigating the ruckus, on the phone with 911, brandishing a box of Samoas. Actually, her dog needed to take a leak and his full bladder saved my ass because we raided her garage for an eight-foot ladder and a hockey stick.

What followed was a tense five minutes of setting up the ladder on my front stoop, me climbing and trying not to fall, banging on the bedroom window with the stick, and both of us laughing our asses off, all while trying to stay as quiet as possible. Because the other neighbor? Is a light sleeper. Finally, after two minutes of lip-biting, window-knocking, and giggling, the Ty-man emerged sleepy-eyed and in his plaid boxers (RAWR!).

Jodi? Awarded Neighbor of the Year. Me? Hiding approximately ten keys all over our yard so that maybe, just maybe, I'll remember where at least one is squirreled away and I won't need to piss in my backyard ever again.


HEATHER said...

I can't believe you had to take a pee in your back yard! LOL!!
Toddles wears a CPAP too and it drives me nuts! I swear he would sleep through a tornado.

RiverPoet said...

Hahahahhahaha! Oh, you can tell quite a tale! You'll never look at the back yard the same way ever again!

Glad you finally got in!

Peace - D

Anonymous said...

My kids would be so proud and say that you did the right thing... The only thing pine straw is good for is a makeshift potty!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Best get a dog. Not only will the dog hear you and raise a ruckus - you'll be able to explain those round dead spots of turf in the backyard!

Jud said...

Peeing in the backyard is something that we as boys learn at a very young age, generally from our fathers. It is a much less complicated process than you described, and fraught with fewer perils.

I used to use a CPAP, but I always end up ripping the dang thing off my face. Every time. Every single time. I have tried numerous masks, no luck.

Gotta love the Samoas.

Anonymous said...

I did that once. I had to lower myself into the open window with a f****in garden hose!

(Ghost hunt????????????)

Anonymous said...

This was hysterical! But as you were telling the story I kept picturing a squad car coming around the corner, just doing a drive-thru of the neighborhood and finding you on the ladder...

Man, do I ever lead a sheltered life. :)

Avitable said...

Hah - that's awesome. How exactly don't you have keys that you bring with you everywhere?

sybil law said...

That is fricking hilarious! I'd love to be your neighbor!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Ty's CPAP doesn't bother me. The snoring? That was loud.

RiverPoet - You're right. I'll always look at that space and think about pee.

Annie - HA!

Merrily - Oh, that's a great idea! Hee hee! If I had a dog, I may just pee in the backyard all the time!

Jud - There are times when a penis seems very convenient. Very.

Duck - HA! Garden hose! That's awesome. You're a brave woman. And yes, that's my hobby, paranormal investigations. "Who you gonna call? Coal Miner's Granddaughter!"

Giggle Pixie - Oh, I would have died a thousand deaths if the cops had seen me. A thousand and one.

Avitable - Because I'm a dumbass. That's the only reason I can give you.

Sybil Law - I'll let you know when one of the houses in my neighborhood goes on the market. :)

Gypsy said...

That's hilarious.

Also, just FYI, if you prop your back up against something like a tree or a wall and squat, it makes for less likelihood of dribbling. Lessons learned from being drunk in Florence.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

No better way to get to know the neighbors--a midnight piss in the bushes and ladder games. LOL Love it!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Gypsy - Awesome! Thanks, hon! I'm going to have to try that out tomorrow with Miss-Miss...

Functionally ReTodded - Oh, whatever. Admit it. You have vagina envy.

NATUI - Oh, it's awesome. I think it should be a housewarming party theme. :)

Patois42 said...

That you didn't have to break a window says you're a way better woman than I am.

Anonymous said...

OMG I would have been freaking out! It so totally sucks to be locked out of the house.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Patois - Oh, I was getting there. I just got lucky. :)

LizRiz - It does. But I hate being locked out of the car more! :)

A Free Man said...

I pee in the back yard all the time. If it's good enough for the dog... I'm trying to teach Zach to do it as a prequel to toilet training.