28 April 2009

I Hate Swimming Pools

I have discovered, during my five-month stint as a director for my homeowners' association, that swimming pools are the bane of humanity.

And I'm not exaggerating.

There's the whole We have to be compliant with county codes! and then there's Those landscaping wood chips are clogging the drains! and lest we forget The slide sign is out-of-date and must be replaced! and dang-nab-it we can't leave out The pool furniture looks shitty and we need new stuff! And the biggest headache of them all? The Virginia Graeme Baker Pool and Spa Safety Act. Ugh.

And our inspection is May 8th. And opening day is May 23rd. And we are so far from being ready that it's almost comical. And our ex-cop of a pool chairman is losing his mind and in doing so is being a complete and total plonker to everybody. All the long meetings and drama as of late have been because of the frakking pool and his lack of attention to detail. To top it all off, his I treat everybody like I just pulled them over on a speeding violation and whoa! It turns out they have blow in the glove box! attitude is such that for the first time in my adult life I have the urge to bury someone alive. Preferably him.

I once dreamed of having a swimming pool in our backyard. I pictured a 15-foot deep end where I could teach scuba, beautiful blue water with my kids splashing and frolicking all summer long, and beautiful teak lounge chairs around the deck on which I could sunbathe my pale, white, flabby stretch marks in splendid privacy.

And now? All I want to do is volunteer for pool chair next year, back up a dump truck full of dirt onto the pool deck, and fill that sucker up because the only good neighborhood pool? Is a pool filled with dirt and perennials.


louisa said...

i love swimming pools they are my favourite thing ever, i would love to have one in my back garden, always wanted one since i was a child.

Avitable said...

Yeah, I love our swimming pool - we've never had any issues from our HOA about it, either.

Liz Hill said...

Oh sugar--I have real doubts that he is the first one *grin*

sybil law said...

I hate HOAs!!!
Still want a pool, too. Badly.
But hang in there. Can't they just fire the pool dude?

Expat No. 3699 said...

I can't wait to get our pool open for the summer, but then again we don't have to be compliant about drain covers.

Anonymous said...

Make sure you "accidentally" push the ex-cop of a pool chairman in the pool BEFORE you back up the truck with dirt and dump it in the pool...

beth said...

Just so we're clear, you don't care for the pool? You know, I just wasn't completely certain.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

I am liking DutchBitch's idea!

Gypsy said...

The good thing about pools? Pool boys.

Reinvent Dad said...

I miss the swimming pool that we had at our previous home, but it almost doesn't seem PC to build a pool anymore using all that water, tearing out drought resistant plants, adding more concrete, etc. We'd probably put one in, but our house has already lost 25% of its value, so we'll probably sit on the edge and dangle our feet for awhile :)

A Free Man said...

I love pools, though have never had one. But as much as I hear my Mom whine about her's I believe them to be a hassle. Of course she whines about eevvvvvveeeerything.

Did you know that in Australia even private pools are required to have pool fences. Thought that odd.

Patois42 said...


We love our own personal pool. LOVE it.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Louisa - I've always wanted one, too. But now I realize how much work they are and I think now I want a pool and the sexy pool-boy to go alone with it.

Avitable - Well, that's because you're a badass and wouldn't take shit from an HOA. :)

Turnbaby - True. I hate to admit it, but true.

Sybil Law - We did. We finally did. And it was sweet justice, indeed!

Employee No. 3699 - Be glad because those little fuckers are expensive!

DutchBitch - HAHAHAHAHAHA!! You're awesome!

Beth - I hate this pool. Another, different pool in someone else's neighborhood? It's good. This pool? Hate.

Merrily - Don't encourage her! :)

Gypsy - Oh, yes, indeed.

Reinvent Dad - I never thought of a pool in that way. I guess I could fill it with used shower/bath water, but then no one would want to swim in it. :)

A Free Man - That pool fence rule sounds pretty reasonable to me, considering, in the US at least, more children drown in pools than in any other accident.

Patois - I'm all about the little plastic pools from Wal-Mart. :)