06 May 2009

How To Make My Life Easier

I've thought about it. Long and hard. And I've figured out those things that will make my life easier. More livable, if you will.

Just down-right-happy-go-frakking-lucky.

A stainless steel kitchen!
And I don't just mean stainless steel appliances. Nay. I mean appliances, walls, counter tops, cabinets, floors, tables and chairs, everything, with a drain in the middle. Because at the end of the day I just want to hose it all down and go to bed.

Self-cleaning toilets!
Four of these. Throughout the house. The toilets, doof, not the coke-snorting ho:

Kids' clothes made of paper!
That way, at the end of the day, they just go in the incinerator.

The clothes, not the kids. But, of course, we could just not worry about clothes at all if we...

Live in a nudist colony!
To make it through this life, I have to do one load of laundry every day (wash, dry, put away), even when I'm sick. Because if I miss a day, the frakking clothes pile up and I find myself buried underneath undies, jeans, shirts, yadda, yadda. So I want to live in a nudist colony. No clothes? No laundry? No problem!

To get promoted from HOA Empress to HOA Goddess!

That way, all the other residents have to leave me food offerings. And I'll never again have to cook.

The invention of the politician incinerator!

Every time some idiot in Washington utters the word "bipartisan," he or she gets pitched to their death in an incinerator. Special elections will abound! Mwha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And those piddling requests? Would make life just dandylicious. Care to add to the list? Go for it!


Anonymous said...

God, I wish everything came in stainless steel and could be hosed down. That would be the awesome!

sybil law said...

A law passed that I can either ram idiot drivers with my car because they're stupid, or they can be shot and killed on the spot.
That would really make me happy today. Esp. at my kids' school.

Expat No. 3699 said...

Great video. I want those toilets in my house too, but not the ho.

Avitable said...

You should get a stainless steel colon, too. Then you don't have to worry about fiber.

What's wrong with bi-partisan?

Annie said...

When we lived in Africa, our house had polished concrete floors. Potty training accidents - no problem! You're puking everywhere and can't find the bathroom - no problem! On more than one occasion I've pulled the hose into the living room and washed everything out the front door. Some things were so much easier there - here we have 120 year old hardwood floors. Pee on this floor and my hand needs a major conversation with your bottom.

And the laundry - I, too, do at least 1 load a day. Thank God we're finally done with the cloth diapers!

Patois42 said...

Talk on the phone for too long while spending time with your child at the park and the phone bursts into flames.

I grow more in love with you everyday. (In a non-stalker way.) (Mostly.) ('Cause I fear you.)

Gypsy said...


Miss Britt said...

A money tree.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Hilly - A stainless steel couch would be slightly uncomfortable, but I guess it's easier to get cat hair off steel than chenille. Did I just rhyme?

Sybil Law - Oh! Oh! I like that one!

Employee No. 3699 - Total agreement. Although the ho could be amusing. For five seconds.

Avitable - I hate bi-partisan because everyone hollers "Let's not be bi-partisan! Let's work together!" And they never do. And it's annoying. Because we're a two-party country and we disagree and that's fine. Just get over it and quit trying to change it! GAH! *Pant, pant*

Annie - OOOOO!!! Polished concrete! Must research this...

Patois - I love you, too. But definitely in a stalker way. :P

Gypsy - ZOMG!!!! Why didn't I think of that? Genius.

Miss Britt - Oh, wow. I could definitely use one of those.

A Free Man said...

I'm with you on the self-cleaning toilet, but the nudist colony idea could be a bit much really.


Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

A Free Man - Well, maybe not a nudist colony. Just my house is nudist.

Anonymous said...

The only thing with stainless steel is that it shows EVERYTHING. Although, if you had a self-hosing kitchen, it would be not bad. But you'd have to hose it down, like, 20 times a day. Or better yet, just lock the kids in there and hose them down, too.
Now you've got me REALLY thinking. Was that the point of this post? Or comment?

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Cheeze Whiz and Mustard - You know, if I could have some sort of attachment with that stainless steel cleaner so that it would mix with the water coming out of the hose and then dry with no spots? It would be brilliant!