17 September 2009

No, They Are Not Triplets

For the twins' first birthday, Teri gave me a t-shirt with the title Yes, They Are Twins displaying sarcastic bullet points answering the annoying, personal questions people ask when they see a mother with twins.

Now, with these three being so close in age, I've come up with a new bullet list. It's too long for a t-shirt, but I'm thinking of printing up a brochure and handing it out when anyone asks Are they triplets?
  • No, my children are not triplets, but two of them are twins and the other is 20 months younger than the twins.
  • I'll give you $100 if you guess which ones are the twins.
  • OK. I won't give you anything because you just called me a ho in a roundabout way and anyway you're going to guess that the boys are twins and you're wrong. It's my taller son and my daughter.
  • Yes. Yes. The twins are identical. My daughter was born a boy, but the circumcision went pear-shaped and we decided to raise him as a her. Lucky for us, he/she likes pink.
  • Yes, I was being sarcastic again. Boy/girl twins cannot be identical. It's a biological impossibility. Kind of like you walking upright.
  • Why are you asking how far apart they were? How far apart were your bowel movements this week? Oh, that's personal? Well, then don't ask about how quickly humans came out of my vagina and I won't ask you about the regularity of your colon.
  • What the hell are artificial twins? Why would you ask that? Are you saying my twins are imaginary? That all of this is an illusion? Wow. I've been screwed. Oh, you wanted to know if I got pregnant through in-vitro or some other method. Did you have a bowel movement today via ex-lax or sweet potatoes? WHAT?!?
  • Oh, sure. I have all the time in the world. Please, do tell me about your cousin's-brother's-wife's-sister's-nephew's twin girls. Or those triplets you once saw at Wal-Mart that were in their 80s and all wearing square dance dresses during their day out from the convalescent home. I have all day. No, I don't need to get home in 20 minutes to cook dinner. Not at all.
  • Yes, my hands are full. No, of course you aren't the 9-millionth person to say that to me. Thanks for the reminder.
And that is my public service announcement for the day. You're welcome.

*My mother-in-law calls her grandkids Irish triplets and I let her because she's family and she's cute when she does it.


HEATHER said...

This cracked me up.
I'm so sorry that you have to endure this.

Lynda said...

I would have guessed the boys were the twins too. :)

Irrational Dad said...

I am so mad at you... I read the bad circumcision part and got stuck. I kept scrolling back up to the picture at the top and thinking, "Wow, (s)he really does look like a girl though." Then I'd scroll back to that bullet point and read it again. Then I thought about the possible implications when (s)he finds out, and how things will be when puberty hits. Anyway, I'm mad at you for doing that to me. ;)

Secondly, I've never thought of Irish twins at derogatory. Just more of a "dang, o'girl got her sex on!!!"

Avitable said...

"Why are you asking how far apart they were? How far apart were your bowel movements this week? Oh, that's personal? Well, then don't ask about how quickly humans came out of my vagina and I won't ask you about the regularity of your colon."


sybil law said...

I would totally ask them about their bowel movements.
At least no one's asked if they're Siamese twins. :P

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I can see how that gets annoying. People ask really stupid questions, huh?

Yeah, my kids are 3 years apart. We just get that they look just like us when we were little. Especially when my daughter is acting like a diva...which kinda pisses me off that my family always rubs it in my face.

Anyhow. Quick story, not sure why I remembered this just now...but, Max is a complete mini-me for Jake. One time, Jake had Max in a baby bjorn in Aruba. I think Max was about 6 months old. The clerk behind a counter at a store was oogling the baby and said he's soooo cute. In Papiamento, the other clerk said to her "the baby or the father?" and she responded, again in Papiemento, "Both". My husband understood and said "Danki", which means Thank You. They were pretty embarrassed.

Unknown said...

I believe I detect a small measure of displeasure in the tone of your post.

Your children, by the bye, are gorgeous. Just like their Mom.

Unknown said...

What Avitable said. Friggin hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

Love it! I have identical six-year-old twin daughters and get so many of the same questions... especially now that we have a 3 month old baby girl. Wait, I'm sorry, did you have to get home for dinner? ;-)

hello haha narf said...

sex fiend!

hello haha narf said...

p.s. i never considered it rude to ask a mom how far apart her children were. now i know i probably pissed off a bunch of women, but i am fascinated with kids and babies and twins and all (probably because i never have, nor will i ever give birth). i never meant it disrespectfully, but it certainly has come up in many conversations. how rude that i never thought the mom wouldn't want to talk about such stuff. guess i always figured mom's love to talk about all things related to their kids.

Patois42 said...

Another bullet point (circa my mom with five kids in six years):

Am I Catholic? Why, no, I'm a sloppy Protestant.

marty said...

Are they triplets?

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I really think the whole asking about twins thing is a generational thing for us. When we were growing up, twins were rare. It was always fascinating if you had a set of twins in your school, much less your grade level. Now, twins are literally a dime a dozen. Last year, in LB's class of 12 there were three sets of twins. THREE. I think twins are becoming so commonplace that the curiosity factor will fade within a generation or two.

feefifoto said...

I knew terminally identical twins who used to answer the question: "Are you twins?" with: "No, we're identical strangers."

feefifoto said...

Found you on DoubleSifted. man, you are funny! I'm subscribing. Hope that's okay with you.