25 September 2009

Speculum Speculations

Absolute truths realized during one's yearly "please put your feet in the stirrups" appointment:
  • An afternoon without kids is still a wondrous thing even if it involves a Pap smear.
  • Vaginal sonograms really, truly suck. Like, seriously? What kind of twisted, messed-up individual came up with this?
  • When the phlebotomist says It's not veins that roll, it's people who miss, you realize that she's not just another blood sucker, but a sage whose opinion on the performance of other phlebotomists in one's past is really a commentary on life in general. Go ahead, use it in any form: It's not (nouns) that (verb), it's people who miss. Profound.
  • That seeing Dr. Nezhat once a year just isn't enough. Because he's not just my doctor, he's a friend and the man who made our children possible. So, NATUI, Dr. Nezhat has mandated that I accompany you to all your future appointments. Mr. NATUI is no longer allowed to come. In fact, I'm thinking we just need to schedule our appointments for the same day each year, because the friends who get vaginal sonograms together stay together.
  • The possibility of surgery*, during which three very uncomfortable-sounding things will be done to my womanly bits, has me grinning and cringing. Grinning because of the week or so off from kids. Cringing because, um, ouch?
Thank goodness those appointments only come once a year. More than that? Willies.

*Said surgery isn't for something life-threatening. It's to keep me healthy and our family at five and no more.


Unknown said...

I had similar things done to my man bits after #3 son was born. And then? THEN we find out she - SHE - should have had a hysterectomy anyway, which she ultimately did. So I was brutalized unnecessarily. *whine* But don't feel sorry for me or anything. All it really did was change my pickup line. Now I say, "Hi! Ya wanna? 'Cause I've had a vasectomy and, you know, I'm safe."

Isn't that a great line?

Sheila said...

Of all the things that a woman has to go through, I think a vaginal sonogram is the worst.

For realz.

Good luck on the surgery!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

It's a done deal! You know that I told Hubbie he was no longer welcome because you were way more fun. I think he has moved from hurt to relieved. :)

Not Afraid to Use It said...

OH, and if it's is a Dr. Miracle mandate, you know we can't refuse. I wouldn't dare!

Bucky said...

Here's to you and your womanly bits. :)

sybil law said...

All you really had to say was speculum and I cringed.
Best of luck.

Arizaphale said...

The one time I had a vaginal ultrasound (as they're called here)the doctor had to ask me to loosen up because he couldn't move the thing. Those were the days before children and muscle collapse. :-)
The last time I went for a pap smear, having pscyhed myself up and made the appointment weeks in advance, the surgery had shut down due to a power failure. I only found out when I got to the door. Sheesh. Haven't been back. :-D

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I don't have that relationship with my GYN. I prefer to not know her. Just sayin'.

And Lou's comment...LOL. Yeah, that line might work in some circles. Although these days "safe" has a new meaning.

Irrational Dad said...

After I read the first line, my brain started screaming at me to just mark this post as read. SCREAMING.

But I never listen to my brain. I'm a guy.

marty said...

Your post made me feel like I was right there with you. Fortunately, I don't have a vagina.

(worepp is my word verification)

FRT said...

My wife's ob-gyn is richard robbins. dr. nezhat delivered my son.

what's more, there is now a six degrees of vagina between you, my wife, and me.

high five.

Faiqa said...

I want to go to Dr. Nezhat. Is he accepting new patients? It's only, like, eight hours, right?

Patois42 said...

A vaginal sonogram club. Is that anything like a book club?

Here's hoping the drugs make the surgery all worth it.

Team Russi said...

I think if men had to face the tiny woman with the huge wand in the sono room they'd turn and run like they were chasing the gold. Seriously - shouldn't someone kiss you first?!? Good luck with the womanly bits. They're important.

Shelli said...

I just got a lovely letter from my doctor telling me that it's time for them to squish my boobs like pancakes again. Yippee!