16 November 2009

The Other Shoe Has Landed

Remember a few months ago how I was lauding Karma, calling her a "fairly nice gal" and all that hogwash?

Little did I know she was lying in wait, sitting there with her legs crossed, bouncing her Manolo up and down on her perfectly manicured toes, grinning like an idiot while I walked toward my next visit with her.

A number of years ago, while in the throes of my immature mid-20s, I came across a friend of a friend and excitedly asked her Oh my goodness! Congratulations! I didn't know you were pregnant. When are you due? She wasn't pregnant. Yeah. See, I had yet to learn the lesson of You don't ask a lady if she's pregnant, not even if she's in active labor and the head is crowning. If that's the case, then avert your gaze and calmly ask if she'd like a Motrin or a some Pepto for her tummy ache. And then begin talking about the weather.

Oh, I was mortified that day. The offended party tried to make me feel better, but I knew she would get in her car, drive home, and cuss me, cry, shake her head, shake her fist at the heavens, or all of the above. Me? I just wanted to climb into a hole because I couldn't believe I had said anything, that I had been so very mistaken, and that I had probably just destroyed the ego of someone I didn't even know.

Well, Karma has finally had her day on this one. As I excitedly walked into my old scuba shop last Thursday, arms loaded up with regulators and a BCD needing service before our Mexico trip, my good friend Jim exclaimed, Heather! It's so awesome to see you! It's been forever! Is that a baby bump I see?

And my first thought? Well, at least the wait is over. Karma's other shoe just dropped. Now to start that 500-sit-ups-a-day regimen.

I hope the heel broke on Her shoe. Bitch.


Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh god. That is awful. How did he extricate that foot from his mouth? I hope you made some crack about a husband with a vasectomy and needing a good lawyer.

Dave2 said...

I haven't been SCUBA diving in so long. I miss it. :-(

Chelsie said...

Uh...I too have made that mistake and just know one day when I'm running late and sick as all get out someone will do the same to me. Sorry it happened.

Anonymous said...


They asked me the very week I was back to my old weight and figure after having The Kid

"Are you pregnant again? So soon?"

Aaaiirrrgggghhh LOL

Irrational Dad said...

Oh, ouch. I've almost said that before, because I figured after seeing a baby grow in my wife's belly, I know the difference between fat and pregnant. Luckily, klaxon horns started blaring in my head, warning me to NEVER breach the subject.

Hope your self-esteem recovers.

Molly's Mom said...

Yeeeeaaaaah. Nice one, diver douche. Too bad you couldn't have clocked him one. How did you respond?

I like the vision of Karma wearing Manolos. It seems to fit.

Avitable said...

Is he still your good friend? I just saw you recently and I wouldn't say that you had anything even resembling a baby bump. Now Ty, on the other hand . . .

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

ZOMG! She's replying to comments! I know. Call the law. Or something.

NATUI - I could tell that he felt horrible. He's a friend and I couldn't be mean to him. Poor thing.

DAVE2 - Then come to Mexico. January 7-14. And go diving with me. :)

Chelsie - Yeah. Karma is just plotting your turn. No fun.

DutchBitch - Oh, dude. That wasn't nice.

Joe @ IrrationalDad - Yeah. Don't ever say it. It's not worth the consequences. Although, I don't know what kind of revenge Karma dictates to men who mistakenly ask that. Could be scary.

Molly's Mom - I just tried to put him at ease. He's an old friend and truly meant well. Poor thing.

Avitable - HA! Ty-man, I leave this one to you. ;)

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

That kind of mistake only happens ONCE. I learned the hard way not to ask people if they are pregnant. Open mouth, insert foot.

And? Ouch, baby. Those 500 sit ups are going to SUCK.

Unknown said...

Oh do I have a story to cheer you up!

However, it would require me to hijack your comments with a long-ass comment. So instead, I'll post it on my own blog tomorrow.


Barbara said...

Been there. Done that. Twice. To the same person. Ouch. (You're a terrific writer, Heather--especially for a pregnant lady! :-)

Megan said...

Karma sure is a patient bitch...

And you? Baby bump? Really? Have you been eating constantly since we met? Because pregnant is the last thing I'd think from looking at your lovely figure.

Unknown said...

Ouch. ow ow ow ow ow. Never ever. Anything other than "How's it goin'?" has the potential to lead to disaster - Dive Shop Guy is going straight to hell for that one.

Expat No. 3699 said...

I can't believe anyone would think you're pregnant; you're suc a tiny thing.

And you're going to Mexico?!? Yay!!!

Expat No. 3699 said...

such!!! Not suc.

Ginny said...

Oh that sucks.

"calmly ask if she'd like a Motrin or a some Pepto for her tummy ache" You crack me up.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

MommyCosm - They are going to suck, since right now I can only do about 5 1/2. Ish.

LeSombre - Can't wait to read it!

Aunt Barbara - Oh, hon. To the same person? And thanks for the compliment... English professor! :)

Finn - No, and I can't figure it out. Unless it was how I was carrying my gear. Beats me.

LceeL - You're so right.

Employee No. 3699 - Oh, yeah! Mexico-bound, baby!

Ginny - Totally.

Sybil Law - She truly is.

A Free Man said...

Ouch on both occasions. I had to restrain myself from making that same potential faux pas on Sunday.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

A Free Man - Yeah. Don't ever ask. Whisper in the wife's/friend's ear first but don't ever ask the lady in question.

Unknown said...

Oh, I know. I know. I know. The other day, I was seeing someone I hadn't seen in a million years, and I actually WANTED her to think I was pregnant instead of just fat : ) Oh yes I did : ) So I wore a shirt I have this looks maternity like : ) and it all worked out perfectly! I mentioned babies a lot while we were talking. At least you are motivated to do sit ups. I, on the other hand, am motivated to find more maternity like tops : )

jessicabold said...

I never ask...unless someone has already given me the heads up all, "It's ok, she's pregnant, not fat."


Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Muskrat - HELL YEAH!

Life with Kaishon - Actually, I'm motivated to eat more ice cream bars, but ssshhhhh, don't tell anybody. ;)

Jessicabold - I am now that way, too. I learned my lesson well.

Patois42 said...

Oh. Dear. God.

marty said...

I think the Fox network has a series in development "Fat or Pregnant."

I hope I can host.