02 March 2010

My Kids Should Be Able To Fart Stars

Hypothesis: My kids are undercover county sherriff's deputies.
Observation: Every time I'm in the car, I hear the following from Bubba: Mama, drive slower! Mama, are your lights on? Mama, it's raining! Turn on your wipers! Mama! That car (pronounced caw) is too close to us!

My kids are fish.
Observation: Seriously, ya'll. With just two months of lessons under their belts, they're swimming on their own. Sure, they're "doin' it doggy style" with backfloats strapped around their middles. But they're not holding on. To anything.

My kids should be able to time-travel.
Observation: They have no concept of time. As far as they're concerned, Christmas is tomorrow, Halloween is next week, and they were, as Miss-Miss claims, little, tiny babies a long, long time ago.

Hypothesis: My kids should be able to create wormholes in the space-time continuum and travel where ever they wish instantaneously because they have no concept of distance.
Observation: The following dialog:
J-man: Mama, where's our house?
Me: In Woodstock
J-man: But why can't we see it?
Me: Because we're 5 miles away! It's nowhere near us!
J-man: Aw, but why?

Hypothesis: I should be President, negotiating peace with Iran/North Korea/the entire world.
Observation: I haven't skewered my children and in turn, they have not killed each other.


sybil law said...

Love those conversations!!! :D

Avitable said...

It reminds me of a comic routine by Joel McHale, where he talks about the fact that his son, who's 5, alternates between being a genius and completely retarded.

Michael from dadcation.com said...

My 3yo refuses to accept that Halloween is not coming any time soon. But, we let her wear her "Snow White" costume around the 'hood anyway.

MrsRobbieD said...

Muskrat I saw a kid in our Local Walmart in FULL spiderman gear..NOT Pj's either!

Momma choose their battles ;)

Megan said...

My son is the 5-0, no doubt. "Dad... you ran a red light. Dad... you're going too fast. Dad... put on your seatbelt."

Notice to whom those are directed. I can do no wrong...

Clint said...

Mine still dress and R2D2 and Yoda on a semi regular basis. I think parents of toddlers should be the ones to settle all international conflicts. Nothing 3 min. in the naughty chair won't handle.

A Free Man said...

My older boy tells me to drive faster all the time. And honk the horn.

Not Afraid To Use It said...

Which is why the international symbol for mother is Heels of Hand Pressed to Eyes.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Sybil Law - Don't you, though?

Avitable - So. Very. True.

Muskrat - Mine are always dressing up as Diego, Dora, any number of princesses (even the boys) and astronauts. It's busy here in Fairy Tale Land.

MrsRobbieD - That's. Awesome.

Finn - HA! 5-0. I'll have to remember that...

Clint - I'm thinking the Presidential Naughty Chair should include steel spikes, n'est-ce pas?

A Free Man - Boy Z is badass.

NATUI - So. True.

Steph said...

OMFG my kids are the same way about time. NO CONCEPT. The Boy One, who is 1/2 way through the 6th grade, mind you, said to me yesterday, "What should I be for Halloween?"


Patois42 said...

I'll nominate you for peacekeeper.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Stephanie Snowe - I sometimes wish I had this "no concept of time" issue. Then, everyday would be Friday! Woo hoo!

Patois - Thanks, m'dear!