30 April 2010

Of Migraines, Terry Tate, and Amazing Husbands

Once upon a time, there was a mommy blogger named Heather. This mommy blogger is a rather busy lady who has suffered from intermittent migraines most of her life. The worst migraine Heather ever had actually affected her speech centers (meaning when she tried to say, "Sure! I'd like to have BBQ for dinner!" she actually mumbled something like "Naw, my ears have carrots!").

Heather met her second-worst migraine ever on Tuesday.

The day started out normal. Kids dressed, fed, and off to school. Ty-man showered and dressed. Heather showered, dressed, and slightly unwell with a faint headache, a headache she knew could be cured with a spot of java.

So, our headachy heroine took off for the local Kauffman Tire for new minivan shoes. As she turned over her keys, she realized her headache was slightly worse. "No problem," she thought, "I'm seconds away from a Chick-fil-A. Biscuits, milk, and COFFEE!" As food was consumed, a sense of well-being pervaded and the headache began to slip away to oblivion. Or so she thought.

The longer Heather sat over her coffee, the more chance the headache had to come back. And come back, it did. It clawed its way from the depths of her brain, sinking its talons into every nook and cranny of her gray matter. And when it finally climbed back into her head, it squatted there for the long haul, munching away on her frontal lobe.

Heather trudged back to Kauffman Tire and took a seat in the waiting area. Sunglasses in place, she looked hungover and wasted as if she had spent the night drinking heavily and snorting coke with Lindsay Lohan. The longer she sat, the worse she felt. It was then she decided to pace, which actually helped. The only problem was it helped her head and not her legs. So she sat back down and the migraine scratched and howled. Up again for more pacing during which she called her mother, herself a migraine sufferer, to whom she cried about the pain. The constant whine of the pneumatic drills didn't help matters and Heather began to fantasize about cutting power to the whole establishment by flinging her body, head first of course, into the transformer.

Eventually, one of the mechanics came in and realized not all was right with Heather. He gallantly offered her their last pouch of headache powder. Heather ripped it out of his hands like a premenstrual woman starved for chocolate and downed it in milliseconds. The mechanic? Whimpered, nursed his hand, and backed away slowly. The headache powder did bupkis and Heather noticed that not only did she still have a migraine, she now had limbs that felt funny, as if they were on someone else's body and her head was floating above it all, watching from a vise.

Second-worst migraine, enter stage left. Heather's capacity for full functionality, exit stage right.

Finally, Heather was presented her car keys and she gratefully left, realizing that she had to immediately pick up the kids from school. As she sat at the stop light, cradling her worthless skull, she realized that that wasn't going to happen, not in this universe or the universe where she's Jensen Ackles' love slave. So, she called her Ty-man and begged him to fetch the children or they would all end up in a ditch.

And then she stumbled home for a four-hour sleep.

Where does Terry Tate fit into all of this? Well, when Heather woke up from her second-worst migraine ever, she realized that she had consumed the tire establishment's last headache powder. That ain't right. As Terry Tate said, "YOU KILL THE JOE, YOU MAKE SOME MO'!"

Click here for video link.

And so she dropped off a new box of Goody's to the wonderfully, patient mechanics. They deserve medals. Or therapy.


HEATHER said...

Oh honey, you have my deepest sympathies. The worst migraine I ever got was while driving down I-75, and I started having the visual flashes(and no it wasn't a cop car after me). I had to pull off immediately and let my mom take the wheel. It is so scary to be driving and have one hit. Glad Ty was able to pick up the kiddoes for you!

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Migraines SUCK. And unless you've experienced one...well, you have NO idea. It's not just a bad headache. I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy.

Also, I'll never admit it to him...but the few times my husband has swept in and rescued me...I liked it. Don't tell and don't take away my Super Mom card, OK?

Megan said...

I can't even imagine what that's like. I hope you're feeling better.

That video? Made my day. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I've been watching my BFF suffer through two days of migraine an it's awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through it and really think you deserve some Jensen Ackles time!

Unknown said...

My Daughter-in-Law gets migraines. I wish I could help her - I wish I could help YOU.

Miss Britt said...

Ugh. I'm sorry babe. :-(

And the fact that you went back to replenish their headache powder supply? Well, that's what makes you, you.

sybil law said...

Aww- it really was so cool of him to give you some powder, and so sweet of you to go back!
I'm glad you got that nap, though.
Effing migraines!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Dude. My mom gets the visual migraine issues. She'll actually go completely blind.

MommyCosm - I know. Isn't it awesome when they swoop in and save us? :)

Finn - It's pretty horrible. Thankfully, they don't stick around. Isn't Terry Tate teh awesome? Makes me smile every time!

Hilly - Oh, ish! Two days!?! I think I would end up sticking a steak knife in my head. Poor thing!

LceeL - You can help! Coconut rum is help! ;)

Miss Britt - :) Love you, too.

Sybil Law - It was great of them to give me their last one. Really nice bunch of guys.

metalmom said...

Hubby thinks I'm retarded when I'm crying in bed with my sunglasses on and he hears, "Please God make me PUKE!!" Puke usually signals that my migraine has peaked. Then I sleep like the the dead for 4 hours too.

Oh yeah, sistah, I feel your pain but you are an angel to the next poor soul who will need the powders next....

Not Afraid To Use It said...

We quote Terry Tate all the time around this place. My favorite is "That's not your cake! That's SIMONE'S cake!" I'm sorry about the migraine (my mom carries shots with her in case her migraines come on suddenly), but I hope you are on the mend and back to "normal" soon.

MrsRobbieD said...

My husband has them daily, from mild to severe with no relief. We've tried everything and gone everywhere and procedure after procedure & nothing.

Im sure he'd love to have the occasional ones. He has stumped 2 neuro's and we think he is about to get referred off again, only this time its to Houston or Chicago.