10 December 2010

The Kids Chewed Through Our Internet Cable



From: Discombobulatingrant
To: Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Subject: Bad Blogger!

You're not posting, and that makes the Internet sad. Is it because you have too many kids? I think if you leave one by the curb on trash day, the city workers will pick it up and re-distribute it to childless couples. (note - I think it's good parenting not to assign roles to them when they're young, so that's why I use the more proper "it") Besides, if you have too many cats then you'll get labeled "crazy cat lady", so I'm assuming the same is true for children. Surely you don't want to be called crazy mom lady? Also, I may be starting my very own religion, and you can use the saved money otherwise wasted on food and clothing to donate.

- Yours in Booflakken,


P.S. return the youngest one. Odds are you couldn't have gotten that attached in so few years.

From: Coal Miner's Granddaughter
To: Discombobulatingrant
Subject: Re: Bad Blogger!

Actually, on the advice of my 12-year-old, cranky-ass cat who vomits entirely too much, I've dropped the kids off at a no-kill shelter. They should be placed in good homes unless the not being housebroken or still needing to be spayed and neutered is an issue. If that's the case, then they'll probably remain in those dog-sized crates with occasional outings to the dog-run until their 18th birthdays. At that point, they'll be turned loose on an unsuspecting society and state-sponsored welfare system.

Ah, the joys of parenthood.

P.S. My Internet has been down until today. Have no fear, there will be a post tomorrow consisting of this email pasted into my blog. I'll give you a byline. Pinky-swear.


Grant said...

How can you exist without an Internet connection? I can see going without unimportant things like heat, a toilet, or air, but no high speed dsl? If the pilgrims had to brave such hardships they probably would have returned to England.

hello haha narf said...

nothing like being harassed into blogging and forced to explain yourself!

Expat No. 3699 said...

I'm pretty sure most shelters will spay or neuter for free.

sybil law said...

Bonus - no more fleas!

Bubblewench said...

That is super classic. Awesome.

A Free Man said...

No kill shelters for kids would be brilliant. I've got one or two I could do without right now, but tying them in a sack and throwing them in the river seems a bit extreme.

Free Nexon Cash said...

haha!I love the way you write! YOU ROCK!

Avitable said...

That Grant. He cares so much he's like Jesus.

Unknown said...

i lol'd all the through this read.