22 October 2007

Kid Book Review Part 3

I just can't help myself. It's a sickness, a disease, I know. I can't help but attach my screwed up values and ideals to kids' books. This week, it's all about ladybugs, specifically Five Little Ladybugs. This "sweet" little book is actually a shortened version of Ten Little Ladybugs (I guess little kids aren't allowed to count past five). The ladybugs are 3-D plastic bugs that allow your child to touch and feel them. Basically, this book reads as follows:

"5. Five little ladybugs sleeping by the shore, along came a fish - then there were... 4. Four little ladybugs blah blah, turtle, blah blah... 3. Three little ladybugs yadda yadda duck, yadda... 2. Two little ladybugs whatever, frog something... 1. One little ladybug bunch of words, breeze - then she was... Home!"

OK, whatever. Let's just be honest. This book is a veiled attempt to teach our kids about bad luck and DEATH! That, of course, makes this a perfect "month-of-October-celebrate-Halloween" book. On each page, you see the specific animal coming up, eying the ladybugs (hungrily eying, of course) and suddenly, when you turn the page, one ladybug has disappeared without explanation. I, as the mature, "been around the bend" adult knows what is going on. These fish, turtles, ducks, and frogs are EATING these ladybugs! OK, I know that teaching our kids about the circle of life is important, but why veil these explanations with cute pictures and vague storylines? Just put it out there! And, at the end, when all the ladybugs are "home," the ladybugs are frolicking in the flowers with the carnivorous animals that just ate them! Hello? I don't care if I do make it to Heaven, a.k.a. home, I'm not going to spend all of eternity frolicking with the idiot who put me there. So, I don't think the ladybugs are going to play with these bug-eaters for all of eternity.

Just for you, dear readers, I submit my version of Five Little Ladybugs:

"Five little ladybugs sleeping by the shore, along came a fish trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their dynamite, lit the fuse, and then there were no fish and... "

"Four little ladybugs climbing up a tree, along came a turtle trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their soup pot, boiled the water, and then there were no turtles and... "

"Three little ladybugs drinking up dew, along came a duck trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their shotgun, fired that sucker, and then there were no ducks and... "

"Two little ladybugs basking in the sun, along came a frog trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their machete, cut off the frog legs, and then there were no frogs and... "

"One little ladybug sitting all alone, mourning the loss of her friends, knowing that they nobly sacrificed themselves and that they were in Heaven and all the bastard animals that tried to kill and eat them were burning in a special place."

Yes, I'm a sick gal. I've acknowledged this. So has Ty-man and most of my family and friends. Don't worry. To date, I haven't harmed anyone except myself and my mind.

2 comments:

Mr. Fabulous said...

I am so proud. In fifteen or so years you will be right where I am now in terms of brain damage...

Teri said...

written by Heather Gorey