30 December 2007

I Have Cleavage!!

Who'd have thought? What a concept! I. Have. Cleavage.

Let's roll back the clock a little. All through college, I assumed I was a 36B. Average bra size. I think just about every girl in America is a size 36B at one point in their lives.

Gained about 30 pounds during my first seven years of marriage. Then? Found out I was insulin-resistant, cut out the sugars and such, lost the 30, and my decent weight-gain C cups (I thought) went down to mosquito-bite size. That has always been my joke. "I don't have breasts! I have mosquito bites!"

Enter twins from stage left, J-man from stage right. During my total of one year nursing, I was fitted as a 34D. Friggin' D cups, baby! Yeah! Only the kids could use them and I couldn't put on sexy lingerie for fear of leakage (oh, yeah, that's sexy), but I WAS A D CUP!*

Anyhoo, suffice it to say I'm one of those ladies who loses all shape post-nursing. We're back down to mosquito bites. Or so I thought.

Victoria's Secret measured me as a 34B or 36C. Shu. Whateva. Can we say fugly? Can we say I stood in the dressing room, sobbing my eyes out because I looked so horrible in these awful gaping bras? Not even the kids would want them again.

Back home to my beloved Google with a search for "Atlanta bra fittings." I found a lovely little store in Kennesaw (LiviRae Lingerie) and drove right over. I walked in and the owner took one look at me and said "32D!"

'Scuse me?

Thirty-damed-two-fuckin'-D?

OK, see? My ribcage has expanded. Measure me and you find the number 38. Bewbies are tiny. Therefore, A.

She ignores me, saunters back in with three 32Ds and lo and behold....

CLEAVAGE!

GREAT FIT!

NO GAPPING!

(Cue Hallelujah chorus.)

Ladies, get yourselves to Google, type in "your-city-name bra fittings" and find a store of some sort near you. Get there! You will be soooooo happy.**

And your bewbies, too!

* Now, I'm thinking I was fitted wrong. If I'm a D now, not nursing, I must have been a double-D while nursing. DAAAAAAAMN!

** Not you, Fab, unless you want to cement that whole gay deal. Then you could be a drag queen!

7 comments:

Teri said...

Mmmm, bewbies. TPIWWP!!!

Avitable said...

My brain froze at "leakage".

RiverPoet said...

LMAO!!!!

Leakage ...

I can relate to that. I breastfed my kids, too. I remember having to wear those terrible pads in my bra - just in case!

So I take it that you are recommending a bra fitting. I have never done that. One more thing to put on my 101 Things to Do Before I Die list!

Peace - D

MilitaryMom said...

Did you know that according to Oprah, whom I love to hate, 85% of women wear the wrong size bra? Of course I know I do because I am too cheap to get a good bra, and wear pretty much sports bras all the time. Yuk. Good for you! I'm so gonna try this now, and maybe I'll put out for a new bra or 2. Here's to some good looking boobs in 208!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh man! I wish I could have gone there with you. I need a bra fitting SO badly. I know I must be wearing the wrong size, and I too have spent many a time in a dressing room sobbing my eyes out because I can't figure out what the hell happened to my boobs. Or how to fix them with the right bra. Hence my "funeral" post. I am so excited for you babe! That must mean there is hope for me yet!

Mr. Fabulous said...

I thought I'd be able to masturbate to this post, but so far, nothing.

Can you add a couple of photos? That might help.

gregory said...

SO, who is this coal miners daughter ??? This is Molly from LiviRae and I was googling ourselves to see if I could see any negative feedback and I came across your blog...would you be willing to let us use this as a testimony for LiviRae Bucks $$$ ?
This blog actually made my morning as I like to write an article called the tissue issue that has a lot of comedic reverance. And this is hysterical ...my column is called the "tissue issue" so let me know if you want to do that.
liviraelingerie@bellsouth.net