11 February 2008

Bloodletting

As part of my usual appointment with Dr. Miracle, I have to pay a visit to the vampires.

Fine. They're not vampires. Just phlebotomists trying to make a living, maybe working their way through nursing school.

To me, though, they are vampyres! (Pronounce that with a Van Helsing-sort-of-German B-movie-accent, if you please.)

So, I couldn't go Thursday, the day of my appointment because the joint closes at 5PM, the end of my appointment.

Friday dawned and I went at lunch. A no-no since I had just eaten lunch and my cholesterol and insulin results would be skewed.

So, post kid breakfasts and shower, I took off for the nearest Lab Corp this morning.

Here's what disturbs me about Lab Corp. There is literally one on every corner. They are as prolific as sex shops, gas stations, and Dunkin' Donuts. Seriously. So, my question is, are we depositing that much bodily fluid at our doctors' offices for testing that we require that many testing and collection labs? I mean, what do they do with all that stuff when they're finished testing? I would really like to know. I certainly hope there isn't a vampi.... phlebotomist in the back, flushing my blood down the john. Ish.

So, anyway, back to my story (sorry about the wandering... coffee hasn't soaked in yet). I'm sitting there, reading my Ghost Hunting book (Adam Heath, you rawk!) with a couple ahead of me in line (ooooo, like that's such a great place to be when you're at the vampire's house) and a little boy and mom in back. The little boy was having blood drawn. This is what was coming out of the back.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He, obviously, didn't want to have blood drawn.

Come on, Jack, let the nice lady draw your blood. The sooner you let her do it, the sooner we can leave.

Yeah, right, like that argument is going to work on a 2-year-old. All he knows is that the vampire is coming at him with a long, sharp, needle and she's going to stick him with it.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He.
Was.
Pissed.

So, nice vampire lady finally finishes her bloodletting and little pissed Jack and mom leave. Now, it's well-dressed dink time. (FYI - dink stands for dual-income, no kids). They too are having blood stolen.

Wife gets blood drawn while husband watches from hallway.

Husband gets blood drawn while wife watches from hallway.

Suddenly, wife and vampire are frantic. Corbett? Corbett? Corbett! Are you OK? Can you hear me? Corbett!?!?!

Obviously, Corbett has fainted dead away.

I am quietly reading my book, listening to the train-wreck unfold down the hall, hoping vampire and wife know CPR because I am just NOT in the mood to resuscitate anyone this morning.

After five minutes and some fruit juice, Corbett has regained consciousness, but not his dignity. I have a feeling the vampire took his man card along with his blood. Poor guy. Go eat your breakfast in shame.

So, now it's my turn. The vampire just looks at me in frustration because it's not even 9AM and she's already had a rough day. I just looked at her and said,

Honey, I had to go through fertility treatments, which meant five trips a month to the vampires at Northside Hospital and self-injections of hormones. Stick me, baby.

She smiled.

Damn, she had big fangs.

9 comments:

Avitable said...

The Qwest Labs around here takes appointments, so when Amy has to have her blood drawn, which is frequently, she's in and out in about 3 minutes. She brings holy water just in case.

Gypsy said...

My brother faints every time he gives blood. He just warns them ahead of time.

Momma said...

Oh. My. God. TOO FUNNY! I sent the link to this post to my son. We had a great laugh over it.

Love the way you write, girl.

Hope all the specimens are all good and the vampires stay in their cave.

Peace - D

Not Afraid to Use It said...

The last time I saw Dr. Miracle, I had to go in for a 3 hour glucose as well. They took seven vials the first time, then four more over the course of the next three hours. I think I kept those vampyres in blood for breakfast, lunch, dinner AND a snack. Sheesh.

I'm glad you were able to make your vampyre smile. For all you know, she may have been a Willie in the middle of all her fellow bloodsuckers.

Teri said...

Dink, huh? So I guess that makes me an oink? I mean, I do snort sometimes when I laugh, but c'mon. :-)

Teri said...

P.S. The psycho ex got woosy getting blood drawn. Teehee.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Avitable - Dr. Miracle used to use Qwest, but they kept screwing stuff up. So, Lab Corp it is!

Gypsy - Must be related to Corbett.

Momma - Thanks, hon! Personally, I think the phlebotomists stay there day and night, hanging from the ceiling like bats!

NATUI - Oh, I HATE the glucose-tolerance test. That could possibly replace water-boarding as a form of torture.

Teri - No, I'm thinking more sink. Single income. You're basically a kitchen appliance.

Teri again - I always knew the ex was a pussy.

Andrea said...

LOL! That's hilarious! And thank you so much for explaining dink (and sink). :)

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Andrea - That's what I'm here for!