01 February 2008

J-Man's Inner Dialog

You all know J-man, right? My youngest offspring. The third Y-chromosome in the house. The happiest child in the world. You know, the 8-month-old whiz kid of YouTube fame. This little guy.

I've gotta tell ya, this little guy is the shiznit. He's hysterical.

Well, the dialog I provide for him each and every day is hysterical.

You know how it is. Kid can't talk. He just laughs, cries, spits, phhfffftttzzz, and such. So, I provide his inner monologue. And let me tell ya, this kid is a gnarly little ladies man. He's aaaalll about "the chicks" (as he puts it).

Me: Hey, buggar! Good morning!
J-man (translated through me): Hey Ma!
Me: Did you sleep well?
J-man: Yeah! I dreamed about Ursula Andress again! She's hawt!
Me: Yes, dear, yes she is. What did you two do all night?
J-man: Well, there was the beach clambake, then I rubbed her down with sunscreen, then she went skinny dipping while I chewed and drooled on her suit top.
Me: It certainly sounds like you had a great time! Now, let's change your diaper.

Later on in the day...

Me: Hey little man! Whoa, watch the hands!
J-man: Gee, mom, can't fault a guy for tryin'!
Me: OK, copping a feel from your Mama is just... wrong. 'Kay?
J-man: Well, what do you expect? I haven't had the bewbie action in two months! I've gotta get some somehow...

That night, before bed, putting on his PJ's...

Me: You're such a studly muffin! Yes you are!
J-man: Yeah, I hear chicks dig guys with fat thighs, two teeth, and lots of drool.
Me: You know, I heard that too. You must be in serious demand!
J-man: Don't you hear the phones ringing? I've got 'em lined up around the block. I'm the shiznit, baby!

Kid is gonna be sooooo twisted.

7 comments:

Avitable said...

When do you start dressing him up as a stormtrooper?

Teri said...

I can concur. He is quite the ladies man. Of course, if you want to repel the ladies, you can take avitable's suggestion.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Um...shiznit? Seriously?

I am only telling you this because I love you. Shiznit is sooo five years ago. And you couldn't have pulled it off then, hon. You are wayyy to white.

Stick to "golly gee" and "gosh" and "cool beans"!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Or "too" white.

Fuck.

Andrea said...

He would pick a Bond girl to dream about, wouldn't he... :)

Now I need to have a little boy (not today, in the next 9 months, or the next couple of years), just so I can have this sort of dialog. Tree Faerie's dialog is either super sweet or smartass.

And listen to Teri - no stormtrooper get-up unless he absolutely begs! :)

david mcmahon said...

Ah, brilliant `conversation'. You always give us something to think about.

By the way, I'm updating my 2008 blogroll and I've added your link. Do let me know if that's OK with you!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Avitable - Prob'ly around three. I think that's a good age.

Teri - You know he's Jonesin' for ya, hon! If you can just wait 17 years and 3 months, he's all yours!

Fab - Hey, I like it. New word for the week. Back off! :-) Cool beans my ass....

Fab - HA!

Andrea - I promise, no Stormtrooper gear. But he may be Han Solo for Halloween!

David - Glad you liked!