Ty-man: I need to go out and trim the crepe myrtles.
Me: You need to WHAT?
Ty-man: Looking exasperated and now speaking very slowly, like William Shatner. I. Need. To. Go. Out. And. Trim. The. Crepe. Myrtles. As in, cut the dead branches and make way for new growth and stuff.
Me: Recognition dawns on my face. Oooooooohhhhh! OK. Brain fart. I thought you were speaking in euphemisms. Like "shake the dew off the lily" or something. I wonder what "trim the crepe myrtle" would be if it were a euphemism.
Ty-man: I don't know. Trim the pubes?
Writer's note: At this point, much hysterical laughter ensued for approximately five minutes, during which time neither of us could speak. Once we settled down into a breathless awareness, I declared, "Blogging gold, baby!"
Another writer's note: Before I forget. Happy "St. Patrick drove the Druid faith out of Ireland and in doing so intended all us stupid Americans to celebrate said feat with the eating of green Dunkin' Donuts and the mass consumption of green beer, until we're all bloated and piss drunk, thereby weaving between bars with green tongues and getting arrested for DUIs, passing out in nasty county jail cells, wearing a 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish' buttons when in fact most of us are of Eastern European/French/German/Mexican descent and are just using today as practice for Cinco de Mayo" Day
Whew.
Who Am I?
- Coal Miner's Granddaughter
- I am the 40-ish granddaughter of Frank (see header), a fiddle-playing coal miner from West Virginia. I was born and raised in said state and have lived in Georgia since 1994. I have a wonderful husband, three beautiful kids, one cranky cat, and one anxiety-ridden dog.
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Confessions of a Coal Miner's Granddaughter by Coal Miner's Granddaughter is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
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13 comments:
ROFLMAO! OMG! I now have a new phrase for trimming the pubes! Oh, thank you so much for the laugh!
Other good phrases:
"I'm going to go turn on the sprinklers."
"I'm going to go have a word with the gardener."
"I'm off to have my prostate tickled by a prostitute."
I totally thought he WAS talking about trimming the pubes, LMAO!
Mmmm...I need to go get some green dunkin donuts today;)
For some reason Al always says - "I'm off to handle the naughty bits."
Even though you mentioned pubes, you also mentioned green donuts. Kids are a great excuse to "have to" go get donuts on a major holiday. I think I've got plans today!
I don't want no edumacation on Get Drunk Day. You're ruining it for me woman!
I'd like to trim his pubes. Is there an application I can fill out?
Sigh. So many euphemisms, so little time.
I'll make sure to get Hubbie to translate a few for ya so you can wow Ty-man next time. Hope your day has picked up somewhat.
Andrea - Glad to be of service, hon!
Avitable - The last one made Ty-man laugh!
MommyCosm - OK, the two of you have such stinky brains!
Just A Girl - Naughty bits... what a gentleman!
OK, Where Was I? - You go get some, girl!
Britt - Sorry, hon.
Fab - You don't need an application, hon. You're already on the pube-trimming list.
NATUI - Can't wait!
Okay, so again I felt like a dork when I didn't know much about St.
Patrick's day, coz I'm Indian and all, so I read something about it in the news this morning and it so felt like one of those thousands of festivals we celebrate here.
We have an excuse for a holiday like every month. It's probably more frequent than that.
It seems I am a dork even when it comes to Indian holidays.
Pfffffffftttt! Funny stuff woman!
And please tell your husband that it is sacrilege to trim the crape myrtles! They should be allowed to grow wild and free, as God intended! No Brazilians! Oh wait...were you talking about shrubbery?
;-)
Peace - D
Narcoleptic - That's OK. I know nothing about Indian festivals. And you're right, no matter the culture or religion, these festivals are all about eating, drinking, and fellowship with family and friends!
Momma - Yes! I'm talking about shrubbery! For I am Roger the Shrubber! (Sorry 'bout that. Channeling Monty Python for a moment.)
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