24 April 2008

Questions Round 4

Friggin' Avitable. Askin' me a question that required supreme geekiness and thought.

If you were to make a credible argument for the Empire against the Rebellion, what would it be?

Dang. All this time I've been a dyed-in-the-wool Rebellion girl. Lover of all things Jedi and Han Solo. And now? You're making me a turncoat. A liar. A spy for the Empire and all things Sith.

Cool. Here goes. Think of this as a full-page ad taken out in the Coruscant Daily by Darth Vader, on behalf of his Master.


Fellow citizens of the glorious Empire!

I, Darth Vader, am calling on you to help crush the Rebellion that has caused us much pain and suffering! These so-called protectors of the Old Republic are nothing more than terrorists! They want nothing more than to bring you fear and suffering, bring an old, ineffectual government back to power, and to re-instate a religious cult as your police force. They are nothing more than sugar-coated liars, terrorists, and fear-mongers!


Our fearless and magnanimous Emperor Palpatine has brought safety to your families and your homes by crushing the Separatists. This robot army was determined to conquer every planet in the Empire and destroy your lives with their totalitarian rule and instead our Leader defeated them with his clone army - something the Old Republic couldn't bring themselves to do because they didn't have the courage to make such a decision on their own.


The once noble Jedi had taken it upon themselves to steal your children and brainwash them to their celibate and mysterious cause. I was once one of those children, taken from my mother and taught to treat members of the Old Republic as if they were lower than myself. The Jedi declared themselves your "protectors" without asking your permission. They were a dangerous cult of "The Force" - a mythical and, I have discovered, non-existent entity - and they have been defeated.


Once, we had a Republic with Senators from each planet who were so diametrically opposed to one another because of different cultures, different ideals, different values, that nothing was ever accomplished in the old government. Now, our Glorious Emperor has appointed Senators he knows will get our government work done and will not allow them to leave the Senate without passing the legislation he believes will make our Empire great. And if any Senator introduces laws the Fearless Leader believes to be detrimental to our future? Then he will strike such laws from the books and remove the Senator from his or her position.


Many of you have whispered of a "Death Star" being built to destroy planets that do not bow to the Emperor's will. This is not true. The Emperor has simply constructed for himself a grand moon, his own planet, from which to rule without influence from the Senate, a satellite which can move between worlds so that he might visit his constituents, his people, up close without the isolation of Coruscant.


The Emperor saw your suffering under the Old Republic, felt your frustration over an ineffectual government, tasted your fear during the Separatist attacks, and did what any loving, benevolent leader would do. He took control of the situation, wrested power from those too powerless to effect change, and made our galaxy a safer place.


Join with me in praising the Emperor's name and his glorious cause!

Long Live the Emperor! Long Live the Empire! Crush the Rebellion!

OK, now? I just feel all dirty and stuff. I need a bath.

11 comments:

Lori said...

You seriously rock, girl.
That was so good it is beyond my pithy adjectives.
I want to know how long that took you to write. I know you are well-schooled in all things Star Wars but DAMN.
I'm bowing and scraping here.
You could almost make me turn to the Dark Side. (Almost - I've had some serious love for Han since I was seven.)

Lori said...

P.S.
I had to show this to my hubby - who is the reigning Star Wars expert in my house. Who also never reads blog - not even mine unless I make him.
He said, "Wow. She's a really good writer. And she knows her shit."
For HIM to be awed by a blog is such a kick in the ass. (He also loves that your favorite movie is Contact.)
More kudos to you.

creative-type dad said...

Wow! That's crazy. And very informational.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I can feel my brain gnawing its way out of my skull...

Momma said...

I had to forward this to the geek men in my life. Too cool, Heather!

Now I want you to pretend you are for Hillary....

:-)

Peace - D

Avitable said...

Very nicely done. Ty, you've got a keeper here!

Geekgrl64 said...

Bravo! I thoroughly enjoyed that post. thanks for the morning geekiness.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Just goes to show that to defeat the enemy one must understand them. Very funny post!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Lori - It took me about an hour to write (wrote it while twins played in the backyard), but I'd been stewing on it since Sunday.

Lori again - Tell the husband, "You, too, shall be turned to the Dark Side, my young apprentice!"

Creative-type Dad - Glad to be of assistance!

Fab - Is that good or bad?

Momma - Pretend I'm for Hillary? My body might reject that one...

Avitable - Now, if I could just get Ty to write a monologue in favor of the Visitors over the Resistance, we'd be in business!

Geekgrl64 - Glad you enjoyed it!

NATUI - Exactly!

highlander1463 said...

I sense the dark side in you...be careful of your anger young one.

On a happier note, are you still taking questions? How about a quick discussion of the thermal dynamics of black holes? We need something to lighten the mood after that Sith propaganda.

-P

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

highlander1463 - Naw, anger is good. Let's me kick the crap out of people! Hey, it's a hobby...

Thermal dynamics of a black hole? Jeez, I'll need to start a whole new blog just for that discussion alone... :-)