11 April 2008

Tammy Faye Baker is Alive and Well!

And she was vacationing in the Turks & Caicos!

OK, maybe not. But her twin sister was. And her twin sister's kids, husband, other sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and mama.

Seriously.

And talk about a show. US Customs and Immigration should hire them for entertainment as you wait in line to get your passport stamped. Because I was thoroughly entertained.

And horrified. And scared. And amused, all at the same time.

I had witnessed this family while waiting in the Providenciales airport. Mom (a.k.a. Tammy Faye's twin) was wearing her tropical resort best, heavy makeup, brown roots showing underneath her blonde hair, all pulled back into a ponytail. The Dad was walking around with 6-month-old baby strapped to his chest, and Mom was gabbing with her Sister, Brother-in-law, Nephew, and Mama, all the while trying to get her 3-year-old son to shut up. Good times!

Thankfully I lost them on the plane, but as I made my way through the extremely-slow lines at US immigration, there they were, big as life, putting on quite a show. All I could do was shake my head, watching the train wreck unfold and wondering what those first-time visitors to the states thought of these American citizens. I just wanted to magically begin speaking Papiamento with an Aruban passport.

Dad had the Baby Bjorn carrier still strapped to his chest, with no baby. Mom was holding the baby and 3-year-old was whining because he was tired, hungry, and wanted Dad to hold him. But, Mom is fussing at Dad because he has misplaced the Customs forms all US citizens must fill out before re-entering the country - and he can't find the family's passports, either. OK, first? They didn't have to fill out eight customs forms for each member of the family - just one. One per family for all eight members. Yeah. The other funny part? Mom and Dad had the forms - and passports - for the entire family. Forms and passports for Sister, Brother-in-law, Nephew, and Mama. Sister was about 20 people back and every time they would pass one another in the queue line, it was like a prelude to the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Damn, was she pissed! Pissed that they were further back in line and pissed that Mom had all the passports and all the forms, and couldn't find them. So while Mom and Dad are looking for said forms and said passports, and trying to quiet down 3-year-old, Sister is giving everybody serious lip-service, white-trash-style. Meanwhile Mama and her big hair are just watching the disaster unfold before her.

Mom: Look in the ice bag.
Dad: Why the hell would they be in the ice bag?
Mom: I don't know. Just look in there and what we don't need, throw away.

Dad pulls out fancy cloth ice bag and, without looking, throws the whole thing into the trash. Meanwhile:

3-year-old: Hold me! *Whine, fuss, not really crying.*
Mom: No, I'm not going to hold you until you stop fussing.
3-year-old: Hold me!!!!!!!!
Dad: I don't know where the hell they are. Would you just pick him up, please?
3-year-old: I want Daddy to hold me!
Mom: No, no one is going to hold you until you calm down. Did you look in the ice bag?
Dad: I threw away the ice bag.
Mom: You threw away the whole ice bag?
3-year-old: HOLD ME NOW!
Dad: Yes. Fine, I'll hold you, just shut up.
Mom: Go get the ice bag, look in it, then throw away what's in the ice bag that we don't need, not the bag itself. I can't believe you can't find these forms and that you threw away that ice bag. It's a nice bag!
3-year-old: *Whining* I want to go home!

At this point, Dad has lost his mind. He whips up 3-year-old, nearly giving him whiplash, chugs back to the trash can, and retrieves the bag, while Mom says, "Ya'll, don't call the cops on us!" to the crowd in general.

The passports and Customs forms are retrieved, copies are given to pissed Sister, and all is calm. Except for 3-year-old who is still whining incessantly. That's when I, standing right behind Daddy and looking 3-year-old in the eye, deciding I have had enough, gave him one of these:

(OMFG. I look like dead-mom-warmed-over. Trip to Wayne's didn't work for me, did it?)

The pissed-off-Mommy look. And you know what? He shut up. Immediately.

9 comments:

Momma said...

((shudder)) I feel for ya, girl. I can't stand being around people like that, and they seem to gravitate to my airplane! So glad you didn't kill anyone!

Peace - D

Mr. Fabulous said...

You look like a homeless whackjob in that picture.

I say that with love.

Chris in Flux said...

God, isn't travel fun? We're in the midst of a ton of it and this post just made me dread our trip tomorrow.

I'll try your look, though I'm not sure if it works coming from a Dad.

Ok, Where Was I? said...

I probably would have stopped whining if you looked at me like that. Sounds dreadful. I hate people, public spaces, and all of that.

Miss Britt said...

Yikes!

I'm whimpering here at that look.

Donna said...

Oh yes, the look. Funny how it doesn't work for husbands . . .

or on them, for that matter.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Watch Chris get arrested at their airport for "threatening" another passenger...

Oh, and I just wanted to magically begin speaking Papiamento with an Aruban passport...now you are just showing off. LOL Awesome post, hon. I wish I had been there to people watch. I just feel sorry for the poor kid.

HEATHER said...

But the real question is "does is work on your own kids?"
Usually I can bluff other peoples kids but never my own! LOL! Why is that?! Drives me crazy!
Yeah and this is why I try not to travel!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Momma - Especially when they are so obviously in need of a trailer park. That's when it drives me nuts.

Fab - I know hon. That's why when I say you look like a serial killer that it's because I love you, too!

Chris in Flux - Ha! Good luck!

OK, Where Was I? - Yeah, large crowds give me the heebie-jeebies, too!

Britt - Didn't mean to scare you!

Donna - Hee hee!

NATUI - Yeah, I agree. That poor kid was just tired and hungry and probably wanted his bed and toys. :-(

Other Heather - You're right!! It doesn't work on your own kids! They're too good. :-)