01 August 2008

One Hour Break

Is it sad that I look forward to a doctor appointment just so I can get a break from the kids? If you're wondering how:
  • sitting in a waiting room staring at people you don't know and reading three-year-old issues of People magazine,
  • lounging on an exam chair wearing a drafty hospital gown in a room the temperature of an ice box,
  • talking about my mystery diagnosis and sharing itchy butt stories regarding other patients,
  • carrying on a "normal" conversation while the dermatologist closely examines every. square. millimeter of your naked skin, or
  • sitting calmly, trying not to punch the doctor, while she freezes a wart off my foot
can be considered a break from the kids, then allow me to tell you. While under the care of my dermatologist, not once did I hear, "MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! J-man slobbered kitty!" "NOOOOO! Don't touch me Miss-Miss!" "Waaaaaaaaa!" or any other combination of the previous.

Bliss. Complete and utter bliss.

Until the freezing of the wart. At that moment I realized true dermatologic discomfort. When I've previously had smaller warts or questionable spots (read: pre-cancerous ick) frozen, it was all of five seconds while I mentally thought, Oh, that's cold. Oh, that hurts! and it was over. This time around?

Forty-five seconds of the doc carrying on a normal conversation and every vein popping out on my forehead while I mentally chanted, OK, that's cold. Oh, that hurts! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Motherfucker! Ow! Ow! G-damn! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! over and over and over again until I calmly looked down at the top of her head, imagined the liquid evil getting kicked across the room, and said, "OK. That's enough. Thanks!" through clenched lips.

Yeah. For the next few days, please refer to me as the Coal Miner's Gimp Granddaughter.

10 comments:

HEATHER said...

Ick-I hope everything is ok!
Sounds really painful!

Avitable said...

I've never had a wart frozen, but I can imagine that it would hurt!

Miss Britt said...

First @avitable - how have you never heard of freezing a wart off?

Second - um, sweetie?

You might want to clarify that you were not getting a wart frozen off the.. uh... itchy spot.

Heh. :-)

Donna said...

ow ow ow ow ow!

Hope your foot gets better soon, Miss Gimp

Avitable said...

Britt, do you need your reading glasses?

"I've never had a wart frozen".

Willie G said...

But you got a break... :-)

Employee No. 3699 said...

I had one burned off, but not frozen...and they numbed the area first.

P.S. Take advantage of that limp!

Turnbaby said...

I had a mole frozen and then sliced off--they numbed it first though cause OW OW OW OW

I'm amazed at your self control!

Molly's Mom said...

Ooh. I'm sure at some point I'll have to get some sort of freckle/mole thing taken off, but I'll just *gulp* live vicariously through you for now. Glad your ordeal is over with!

Isn't it sad, the solitary times we enjoy post-parenthood?

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - It was, but it's much better now!

Avitable - Like a motherfucker.

Britt - HA! Itchy butt wart removal! That would completely suck.

Donna - It is better. :)

Avitable - OK, quit sniping you two.

Willie G - So true.

Employee No. 3699 - Wow. You got lucky. They numbed you. I need to get some of that next time.

Turnbaby - Oh, damn. That sounds utterly painful.

Molly's Mom - It's no fun. If said mole or freckle is small? No big deal. Big and deep? You're screwed.