08 September 2008

Open Letter 6

Dear Vonage & Nutri-System:
There I am, quietly watching news coverage of all the political hoo-ha going on, blogging to my heart's content while the kids sleep. Ms. News Anchor Extraordinaire is quietly mumbling in the background about "Greek Parthenon" and then? It happens.

IF YOU SWITCH TO VONAGE YOU CAN SAVE OVER $100 DOLLARS A MONTH!! THOSE OVER-PRICED PHONE COMPANIES ARE FOR PUSSIES!!

I'VE DONE THE MATH AND I'VE LOST 85 POUNDS WITH NUTRI-SYSTEM!! IF YOU DO THE MATH, YOU TOO CAN LOOK LIKE KATE MOSS!! WOO HOO!!

I really didn't need to be deafened. Seriously. I was writhing on the floor, clutching my ears because my shattered ear drums were trickling blood on my 8-year-old dingy carpet. Because you feel the need to crank up the volume on your annoying-ass commercials? I feel the need to never utilize your products or services or even include hyperlinks to your companies' Web sites. Not even if BellSouth cuts off my telephones and I suddenly gain 100 pounds would I beg for your help.
Love, Average Pissed American Consumer Heather

Dear Mr. Oak Tree on the back 40 of my property:*
You've obviously got the acorn production thing down pat. I get that. And you're part of the great outdoors, Mother Nature's tree, a cog in a rather chaotic system whereby you drop said acorns any-damned-where you please. But I've got three kids. Three. And when you drop one and only one acorn in my backyard? And one, and only one of my children find it? The other two scream like banshees and whine and cry. Start depositing more acorns back here or I'm chopping you up for fireplace food.
Love, Nature-Lover and Tree-Hugger Heather

Dear Cicadae:
This is not some cheap porn movie set. This is my home. Please stop swarming and gettin' your reproduction on, OK? Get outta here already! Your dried-up husks are freaking me the hell out. And those beady orange eyes? Nightmares. Please, could we call it a summer already and you just head on out of Georgia, satisfied in the knowledge that you have successfully fornicated and that I have had the bejeezus scared out of me.
Love, Anything-with-more-than-four-legs-gives-me-the-willies Heather

*I don't have a back 40. More like a back 1/3 of an acre. But back 40 sounded more dope.

14 comments:

Jay said...

AD VOLUME?? THEY DO THAT HERE, TOO! But they swear blind that they don't. If you complain they tell you the volume is exactly the same, but it just seems louder in comparison to the previous programme. Do we believe it? Do we heck as like! Lying through their teeth, so they are!

Send your kids over here. We have a bountiful chestnut tree dropping 'conkers' all over the place.

And lastly .. I love cicadas! And actually, most insects. Better not pop over to my blog today if you don't like things with lots of legs. It's only caterpillars, but still... better not take any chances, huh? ;)

LOL!

Avitable said...

Doesn't your sound system or TV have a normalizer that keeps the volume at one level? I thought most newer sets did that.

RiverPoet said...

Oh, those little cicada shells add some nice texture to mud pies. As my mother would have said, "You don't know what's good!"

;-)

Peace - D

A Free Man said...

I really like cicadas, and generally feel the same way that you do about six or eight legged critters. It's the desperation of it all for those guys that I find attractive.

Tuli said...

I hate commercials with Volume Issues. Hate. Them. Give me singing bugs any day over loud ads.

Bucky said...

Loud ads suck balls. Big hairy monkey balls.

Donna said...

I think we have entire channels that do that with all their commercials. I think they purposely turn down the volume on the show so the commercials are loud. GAH!

metalmom said...

I have so many trees dropping tons of acorns! Some are the size of golf balls and others as small as ball bearings. I can't even walk through my yard without the fear of going 'ass over teakettle'! Send them here. They can have all their little hands can hold!

Employee No. 3699 said...

Hmm? If there aren't enough acorn shells for all three to find, I would sent them on a cicada hunt...who can pick up the most? It will keep them busy and clean up the mess!

Molly's Mom said...

Ugh. Hate those kinds of ads...especially when that freak of nature Billy Mays is on them!

Heh heh...the word verification is vagmay. I could come up with all kinds of sentences using that made up word.

penny said...

I also hate when you change the channel and it's 10 times louder than the previous one. Oh, and Billy Mays. I could probably die happy if he never screamed at me again.

I have seen only 1 cicada husk this year, and only about 4 or 5 live ones. I know they are out in greater numbers though because they are almost deafening. It's almost like sticking an icepick in your ear.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Jay - They are such a bunch of lying pieces of crap. And I love chestnuts! We had a chestnut tree in the yard of my childhood home. And you and the cicadas? Can have each other! :)

Avitable - Oh, boy. You? Just brought down the thunder. You just challenged Ty-man's manhood and ability to purchase electronic equipment.

River Poet - EWWWWWW!!!!

A Free Man - Desperation, indeed. Sex! Sex! Mate! Sex! It's pitiful.

Tuli - True.

Bucky - Big hair Bigfoot balls, even.

Donna - I feel you.

Metal Mom - I'm sending the kids your way!

Employee No. 3699 - No! Nope! No cicada hunts here! Nope! Not gonna happen!

Molly's Mom - OK, that's funny!

Penny - Billy Mays is the scourge of western civilization.

Avitable said...

I guess he'll have to go buy a brand new TV just to test it out.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Avitable - DON'T TEMPT HIM! Dear Lord, I think we're probably going to a Best Buy tonight..