14 October 2008

Open Letter 7

Dear Old Clayton Inn:
OK. I get it. You're an old building. Old and quaint. The paint is peeling in the bathrooms, the wood paneling aches with 1970s quaintness, and you're cashing in the "old" to make some new dough.


When I request a queen-sized bed? And you tell me that you've reserved me in a room with a queen-sized bed? Don't hand me the key to room 105 with a so-very-obvious double bed. My husband is over six feet tall and he takes up an entire double bed and leaves me with square centimeters.


I understand that unless I'm paying $500 or more a night for a hotel room (which I've never done but dream about often), I should expect squat for service or amenities, and absolutely no butt-kissing. In fact? I don't want butt-kissing. Butt-kissing makes me nervous and uncomfortable. And soggy. But could you maybe set a few bucks per nightly reservation, per guest, aside for some new mattresses? I think every square inch of my back became personally acquainted with the springs in the ten-year-old piece-of-crap mattress we spent two nights on top of. And? My over-six-feet-tall husband? Remember him? He tilted the bed at a 45-degree angle. I spent most of the night hanging on to my edge of bed just to keep from falling on top of him. I beg you, go to Mattress Warehouse, somewhere, and buy some decently-priced pillow-top mattresses. I'm sure you can get a discount seeing as you'll need to buy more than one.

Sore and Cripping Around Suburban Atlanta

Dear Tallulah Gorge State Park:
Damn. I don't have the words. Absolutely gorgeous? Amazing? Mother Nature is just showing off? You took my breath away. Just one thing. One itty-bitty, little, tiny thing.

Holy Mary and Mayonnaise Packets! Over 600 steps to the gorge floor?!? Really, really, really (Are three reallys, really enough?) steep steps? Really? And your web site and on-site signs describe them as "very strenuous?"

Bullshit. I call bullshit.

Going down the steps, just down, made my legs shake like I had just had the shit scared out of me by Linda Blair backwards crab-walking down my stairs.* And then? I had to park myself at the bottom of the gorge, pretending interest in the schmucks attempting to cross the rocks without wiping out in the water, while my legs calmed down before I had to convince them that they had to walk up all 600-odd steps.


I think you need to change your information regarding said steps from "very strenuous" to "OMFG! LOL! YOU ARE GOING TO SWEAT BUCKETS, PISS YOURSELF, AND DRINK GALLONS OF ICED TEA WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER! And then? You're going to curse us for the next two days while you gimp around your house. Have fun! It's pretty! Love, Georgia State Parks."

Gimping Around My House Because My Calf Muscles Are Burned Out

* Gad, I so wish that would happen. Does anybody have her phone number?


HEATHER said...

Be sure to drink plenty of water to keep your muscles hydrated and lessen soreness.

Bucky said...

Pictures of said steps?

Avitable said...

I expect amenities for less than $500 a night in most cities.

Anonymous said...

Fluids and arnica will help take away the soreness quicker. You can get an arnica lotion, but you might be better off at this point taking the pellets.

Was the view worth the pain?

jayna said...

Dude. Those steps are evil. The husband was all "this is nothing, it'll be so fun!"

Yeah. Guess who ended up half hauling my 6 month pregnant arse up the other side?

Anonymous said...

Been there... nothing as fun as having your feet hang off the end of the bed because of a reservational problem. What's worse is that hotels just don't seem to care.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Dude, after all the charlie horses, you are going to have the best looking calves north of the Big Chicken.

Gypsy said...

Oh man. Reminds me of my trip to Mesa Verde this summer where I 'bout killed myself. But pretty!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Yes ma'am! Color it done!

Bucky - Yep. Sections of said steps. Steep. I'll e-mail you.

Avitable - Well, we're talking about Clayton, Georgia. Not so much a city as a collection of fast-food joints, gas stations, a grocery store, and adult video shop. Yeah. We weren't getting jack.

MommyCosm - Oh, so worth it. It was just beautiful.

Jayna - HA! Poetic justice. :)

Dave - No, they don't. Either they don't care or they just don't get it. I don't know which is worse.

NATUI - Word!

Gypsy - Yeah. The pain was well worth the view.

A Free Man said...

Tallulah is gorge-ous! Ha! Ha. Ha?

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

A Free Man - Dude. Calm yourself. :)

RiverPoet said...

You know, when I heard that Dara Torres (the 44-year-old Olympic swimmer) has a recovery team whose only job is to work the knots out of her muscles immediately after a workout, I no longer felt so bad that hikes kick my butt. I'm hoping to hike up Sugarloaf Mountain while the leaves are pretty. I'll post pics!

Get some rest!!!

Peace - D

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

RiverPoet - Really? She has a recovery team? I need one of those to work the motherhood kinks out. Hmmm...

Molly's Mom said...

I totally want to see pictures of those! I'm such a wimp that I'd have said forget it before even starting.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Molly's Mom - Oh, believe me, I was a wimp. I was an "in action" wimp.