Costume Designer Extraordinaire

I'm a big tease, aren't I? I left you on Friday with pictures of a luna moth and a coral snake, informing you that my twins had dressed as said animals for their school Halloween party... and then made you wait for three. whole. days. for pictures of my sweeties wearing said frightening creations.

Well, one was frightening. One was beautiful. And I discovered that it is possible for me to be a Super-mom. As long as I have a Super-nana and a Super-papa, and a shit ton of sweet tea, by my side.

The saga began in August when I received the school schedule and noted that for the Halloween celebration, the kids were supposed to wear costumes representing animals they had learned about up to that point. I began pestering Bubba's and Miss-Miss's teacher two weeks ago and she would breezily tell me that any animal would be fine.

Well no, sweetie. "Any animal" will not be fine. I'm extremely anal-retentive and I don't want my kids dressed as an animal they haven't learned about. This is, after all, supposed to be a learning experience for them and I want them to dress as animals they know about, thankyouverymuch. So, it was with relief and frustration that I opened an e-mail from the school director, two days before the party, listing said animals.

Ahem. The list was as follows: red fox*, black bear, tiger salamander**, screech owl, green tree frog, coral snake, box turtle, luna moth, white-tailed deer, white-lipped forest snail, wild turkey, opossum, red-headed woodpecker, bluegill***, and green anole.

Yeah.

No, seriously. So I picked the two I thought I could create in a couple of hours.

Riiiiiiight.

So, how does one create a coral snake costume and a luna moth costume in eight hours? Observe. And feel free to enlarge the photos to fully reveal the smart-ass comments contained within:


Yes, I was smiling. No, I was not happy. I was extremely tired. My fingers were sore. And that bright red shirt coupled with day-glo yellow felt? Sent my corneas on a happy little acid trip. My mom modified Miss-Miss's Tinkerbell wings, muttering the whole time about how her fracking sewing machine could make this job go faster. Well, just rub it in, why don't you?


Someday, I'll be able to tell Bubba that not only did I push him out of my body with great pain and discomfort, but that I also punctured my thumb and left my bloody DNA on his lesson-appropriate school costume. Guilt, baby. It's all about the guilt.


At times, the white, upper-middle class, Republican male will display his antenna in a rare, election-year mating ritual. He will begin cooing softly to his mate Universal Health Care is for pussies! Don't control guns, control Democrats! Tax-breaks for the rich! Vote Republican! in an attempt to propagate his species. Or just to get a little nookie.


And so what did I learn from this last-minute, maniacal attempt at creativity? I learned that my kids looked adorable as a coral snake and a luna moth. I learned that there is no way one woman can get two costumes finished in eight hours; help is most definitely needed. I learned that J-man will be a coral snake in two years at his first Montessori Halloween party. And I learned that the other mothers in my kids' class are lazy-asses who took the easy way out with Wal-Mart costumes that don't match the teacher's list.

Bitter? Maybe. Proud of myself? Yes. Would I do it again? You betcha. Why?


That's why.

*No, not Redd Foxx. Smart ass.
**Isn't it cute?!? Gotta get one...
***Seriously? An ugly-ass brown fish. That is considered a pest by some. And a tasty meal by others. Um, whatever.