12 December 2008

CMG Imponderables, Part 5

Imponderable #17: Why is it always the wife who chooses/buys the Christmas presents, the wife who wraps said Christmas presents, and the wife who selects, stuffs, and addresses the Christmas cards? What the frack? Oh, and? Decorates the Christmas tree. I don't get it. Somebody explain this to me. Is there like a genetic Christmas/holiday deficiency in the male Y-chromosome? Or is it purely a heterosexual male thing? I'm shaking my head, here.

Imponderable #18: Why, when an on-line company ships my order and UPS subsequently loses my order, does the on-line company refund my money without even asking me if I want my money back? HELLO?!? Barnes & Noble? I ordered the Twilight Saga Collection, all four books in hardback copy. To read. And after reading to place on my bookshelf for subsequent perusing for the next 12 years until my daughter is old enough to wet herself over Edward Cullen. I don't want $50 on my bookshelf! I want books! You can't read money! Edward Cullen and Bella Swan are not on the $20 bill! If I had wanted $50 on my bookshelf, I would have cashed a check and carefully arranged the bills next to my first edition copy of Interview With The Vampire* and my cloth-bound copy of Dracula. Why didn't you just keep the order open and try shipping me another set? Hmmmm? Grrrrr....

Imponderable #19: Why in the name of all that's holy is the CW totally screwing up Reaper? The second season isn't premiering until March 17, 2009. And? They're airing it after 90210. Um, gee, are you CW execs wanting it to fail? Never mind that it's a great show and that my man Kevin Smith is an executive producer. Oh, no. Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease give me my mindless, airhead entertainment. I don't want to think at all. Nope. I just want scantily-clad, scrawny 20-somethings whining about their boyfriends/money/weight/popularity. Yep. That's it. Empty entertainment. A guy? Whose parents sold his soul to the devil? No, that's not interesting at all.

Imponderable #20: Um, hi, next-door neighbor guy? When it's your turn to drive your teenage son to basketball practice or your twin middle school daughters to softball? Why can't you get your lazy-ass out of the car and hurry them up? Why do you have to sit in your car, in the cul-de-sac, and honk your horn, like, fifty times? WHILE MY KIDS ARE TRYING TO NAP!?! Your wife doesn't do that. Probably because she's not lazy like you and is actually doing her job of herding them out the door. Next time? I'm coming out there and kicking your fender.

*Yes, I went through an Anne Rice phase. Don't we all?


Unknown said...

Did we marry the same guy or are they really all like that? Mine doesn't even understand that wrapping presents is *fun.* Freak. But he did pick up the large secret gift for the kids (wrapped for us at the store, hooray) from the toy store tonight. But only because I couldn't get there without the kids before the store closed.

That's pretty dumb of Barnes & Noble. You'd think they'd at least *try* to keep the sale.

As for the CW, maybe they're banking on the majority of the population not caring what time shows are on because they're just recording them on their DVRs to watch later? That's what we do... I don't even know what day our shows are on anymore.

I'll lend you a golf club to use on the next door neighbor's car. (Some uncle gave my hub his left-handed set & we've never used the clubs for actual golf or anything else, so why not?)

Anonymous said...

Woah - easy on the husband-bashing please!

I help my wife with this every year. We generally each write the cards (from us both) to our own sides of the family, and we split present-buying too.

I do about 90% of the wrapping (but that's because I'm a perfectionist and my 4 year old can wrap neater than she can!

Next door neighbour sounds like fun. Perhaps sneak up behind the car one day and blow an airhorn in his ear?


Expat No. 3699 said...

I admit going through the Anne Rice phase also. I've read all but the last vampire book and the Mayfair Witch series.

Avitable said...

I do all of the shopping and most of the wrapping for Christmas. My wife isn't very good at it.

And Reaper started off okay, but the "demon of the week" got tired really quickly and it turned into a suckfest, even with the great cast.

Anonymous said...

If you ever find an answer to #17 I think you'll be rich beyond all measure. And I want in.

I LOVE Reaper too! But airing it after 90210 is kind of a slap in the face. Maybe the CW is mad at Kev for being so much better at entertaining than they are.

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that I'm not the only guy out there that finds this whole Christmas thing unbearably tedious. Maybe it's not a holiday for guys - maybe because of all the trappings. I can't imagine anything worse than Christmas shopping - crowds, stress, spending hard earned money on people that you don't like all that much. Weeeeeee!

A Free Grinch

Bucky said...

I can't wrap presents.


It's looks like some retarded 3rd grade Oragami shit when I try to do it.

Jenn said...

Imponderable #17? Yes, yes, YES!! Happily, at least I don't have to wrap my OWN presents...that's what gift bags are for!

kaila said...

I guess I'm the lucky one here. I love decorating my tree. I hate shopping, but the Oilybeauhunk loves to shop, and he gets all the gifts. I wouldn't let him wrap a thing though, because MY.GOD.does.he.suck.at.it.

.:| Melissa.Mizladytaz |:. said...

#17 - I decorate the inside, hubby decorates the outside. That's how it works at THIS house!! LOL Though, I do MOST of the wrapping. He will help, if I ask him, but honestly, his wrapping skillz SUCK, so I'd rather just do it myself!! ROFLMAO

#20 - one of my BIGGEST pet peeves is just that!! UGH One or two quick honks, Ok, that's fine. I do that! But, anymore than that, and especially if they're laying on the horn ... OMG!!!! .... Then, I'm usually hollering out the door, GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS, AND GO TO THE FUCKING DOOR, DIPSHIT!!!! Makes me want to get a baseball bat and beat them senseless!!

Anonymous said...

My husband is the same way. Just doesn't have a desire to get involved with Christmas. I don't get it.

I just read Twilight. Now I TOTALLY GET why the majority of the mom bloggers are talking about. Looking forward to the other 3 books and the movie. Now I can see the movie :)

Gypsy said...

If a "phase" can last 15 years, then yes. Yes, I did go through that phase.

I still don't understand the whole Edward fascination. Gimme Jacob any day.

Gypsy said...

Oh! And I'm totally with you on Reaper. 100%. Is it ok that I have lustful thoughts about Sock?