12 January 2009

Snatch

Oh, yeah. You read that title right. But, you see, it's actually a double-entendre. One of my favorite bloggers, Functionally ReTodded, wrote a post a few days ago about how difficult it is to have a penis, how things dribble and can shift and that having a penis is not a guarantee of getting laid. Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Poor pitiful male me!!! Pity me! Boo. Hoo.

What a baby.

So, I'm "snatch"ing my comments from his post and creating a post of my own. Here are the ten reasons why I believe it's more difficult to have a 'gina than it is to have a penis.

OK. Maybe it's more like 12 reasons. And maybe it's more like "Twelve Reasons Why It's More Difficult to Have a 'Gina/Uterus/Ovaries Than It Is to Have a Penis."

Heh-hem.

NOTE TO MY SENSITIVE READERS: Yeah. I'm all "boobs-to-the-wall" on this post. I tend to cut loose more in my comments on others' blogs. So, I figured I might as well go commando here and just let 'em hang out. You have been warned.

1) Todd stated it is difficult for us ladies to get our groceries (my favorite genitalia euphemism) caught in a zipper. But when you’re eight months pregnant? And attempting to trim up the, you know, pubes (It's all downhill from here, people.) before the big day so the OB doesn’t have to hack his way through the sprawling rainforest Wookie-bush? You have a pretty good chance of ending up in the ER with a nicked clam-bake. Speaking from experience.

2) Shifting underpants may cause men to suddenly have to pee? Poor sweeties. Try a nine-month-old human standing on your bladder! Yeah. And then there's my personal favorite, Oh wait, gotta sneeze! Ker-chew! Aaaaaaaaand, now I'll go change my granny-panties. Gotch there, hon!

3) Todd was going on and on about "pee, yadda, yadda, shake it off, blah, blah, mouse (?), dribble on the khakis or down the leg." Um, yeah. All I’ve got to say about this is that when girls pee? We pee ALL over ourselves. Like, you have to wipe your back AND front sides. And the insides of the legs. And before you even sit down, you have to get half-naked and wipe the previous 15 ladies' pee off the seat because they all do the "squat and dribble" maneuver. It's never a straight stream. And it's never a dry moment.

4) Oh, please. The next time I hear some man-child whine about standing at the board in math class with a boner? I will LOSE IT! It is a known fact amongst womankind that every fracking time you wear white shorts or pants as a teen girl, you are guaran-fracking-teed to start your period. That day. No matter if you just had your period last week. Oh, yeah, big red stains on the crotch of your white capris is SUCH a popularity booster. That and cutting a big one (THAT ECHOED) while trying to hit a softball in sophomore gym class.

Repeat that last sentence to anyone? And I will cut you. Yeah, you.

5) When it comes to calming crying kids in the middle of the night and Daddy's Big Jim decides to take a peak at said kid? Us gals have the whole crooked tank top and nipplage issue. I'm just sayin'.

6) Todd says there's no guarantee of sex if one has a penis but if you have a vagina? You've got it in the bag. Did you people not read #4?!? Farting and visible menstruation does not a come-hither-gal make.

7) OK, seriously. Todd was just going on and on and on about how he has to concentrate on yaw, pitch, trajectory, WHATEVER, while he's peeing in the middle of the night. Think about trying to aim your flat ass for the toilet seat in the middle of the night. We chick-a-dees have to think about yaw, pitch, velocity, gravity and such. But if you miss? It's far less painful than my half-asleep ass trying to sit down on the john and hitting the floor instead. Broken tailbone? Anyone? Cussing that wakes up the entire house? Anyone?

8) Todd claims that no one complains if they are ever bumped in to by a rock hard vagina. I would never complain, but I would certainly call the CDC because that? Is a medical oddity right there.

9) According to Todd, his kids laugh and point at the Frank and Beans. Mine don’t laugh. But they do stare. At the previously mentioned, you know, overgrown lawn. That I don't have time to, you know, mow. And hiring a landscaping company would just be, you know, embarrassing.

10) And finally, Todd feels that a publicly masturbating man would be stopped, immediately, if caught. And that a woman? Would be invited to continue. Actually? I wouldn’t stop either one. Male or female. I would blush the deepest of reds and run, RUN! away, I tell you.

And here's where I add two more...

11) Guy is in a bad mood? People blame it on his team losing. Woman is in a bad mood? People blame it on her reproductive system. God, Heather! You're such a bitch today! Are you on the rag?!? No. Are you about to die from asphyxiation while I slowly choke you to death? I thought so.

12) Men go through male menopause? Meaning, their testosterone levels go down? They go out, buy Corvettes and cases of Just For Men, and marry women half their age. Women go through menopause? We're told it's like an illness that must be treated with hormones or supplements and then everything gets hot, then cold, then reeaaallly reeeaaaalllly hot, then cold, then CENTER OF THE SUN! and then you will just shrivel up, SHRIVEL I TELL YOU! and, oh, by the by, the hormones will make you feel better but will probably kill you with breast cancer so you get the hormones and the cancer and you have a double mastectomy so you still have the hormones but you have no boobs, your male-menopause husband is out flirting with girls in his sports car with his freshly dyed hair and you are at home with your 50-11 cats and your flat chest.*

How YOU doin'?

OK. I am now going to go and hide.

*Actually, the Ty-man will be out in his Corvette, with his Just For Men still fresh on his head, scoping out the toy stores for the latest Star Wars Extra-Special Most-Bestest Favoritest This-Time-the-Death-Star-Blows-Up-With-Screaming-Voice-Effects-Added action figures. While I? Will be at home with the cats and the Sean Connery and the Godiva. And the hormones. But still. It ain't right.

17 comments:

HEATHER said...

You TOTALLY forgot about having to lay on a table with your feet in the stirups, whilst doctors stick cold speculums in said orrifice.
And you didn't mention about trying to pee in a cup and not pee all over your hand-that is truly the worst!
Should we just go lay a beat-down on ReTodded, because he sure needs one? Why yes, I do have PMS.

Violet said...

I think you just cured my day-long headache. Seriously. Laughing really does a body good. You tell him, girl! Well, you already did. So thank you. 'Cause you did a damn good job of it, too.

Narcoleptic said...

I want to say something. But I just don't know what.
Not after this woman right here has just spoken.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Cool. It's been a while since you've let loose around here. Love it.

I vote for beating down ReTodded. Oops, you already did. You already did!

RiverPoet said...

Heather, this is you at your classic best!!!! Awesome!

Oh, and you forgot to mention that men whose wankies get a little soft as they get older can just get some good ol' Viagra. Just in time for them to bug the crap out of their wife whose juices are drying up. A can of mace might be the next new bedside table item...

Peace - D

Tuli said...

Oh My God! Too fraking funny.
Brava!

namaste said...

LOL! you nailed it! :)

Avitable said...

Yeah, just the bleeding for five days is enough for me to cherish my penis.

Gypsy said...

Amen, sister. Also, boys don't have to worry about getting horny and creating a puddle and sliding right off the damn chair.

metalmom said...

Men hate shifting underpants? What about when the panty shield shifts to 'sticky side up'? UGH!!!!

Giggle Pixie said...

Men also don't have to pass a watermelon through their penis, or have to even WORRY about having to pass said watermelon in the event they had a night of passion where they - oops! - didn't use proper protection.

You sooooo beat down Re-Todd and put him in his place - way to go girlfriend!!!

Employee No. 3699 said...

And don't forget camel toe!

Patois said...

Hilarious! I would also point out on #7 we also have to remember to discern if some MAN or BOY left the seat up or fall butt forward into the toilet.

Duck said...

You thought you snorted at mine - this.....THIS!!! "sprawling rainforest Wookie-bush"!!!

You know how I feel about penises-es-es. Penii? but I have to admit, I'd want one just so I can pee in the snow.

At least without hopping.

I've always been jealous of that.

(ps. I love that you have three 'tags' with the word genitalia in them)

mentallyrehearsed said...

hahaha! fabulous!

A Free Man said...

Well, it's a serious and important debate. I've mulled over both of your eloquent points, but I've got to go with Todd on this one. The zipper issue clinches it. So to speak.

Miss Britt said...

DOWN WITH VAGINAS!

Wait. No. Is that right??

(This post was hysterical, by the way.)