Will child welfare take my kids if I feed them off the floor? I mean, since the food ends up there anyway, just take out the middleman.
I just chatted with my husband on Google Chat. Is that dirty?
Is it weird that my daughter hugs and kisses her Mr. Spock doll? Won't that make him uncomfortable? He is, after all, Vulcan. Poor guy.
Uh, oh. @Santa_Claus_ just dropped me. Should I be worried?
OMG! OMG! Miss-Miss just pooped in the potty! All by herself! With no urging from me! OMG! Can't believe I just twittered about poop!
G-Damned Twitter! Just ate my twat! Wait, that didn't come out the way I meant it. Twitter ate my... just forget it.
I don't have a 15-month-old son. I have a drool machine. Yuck.
And on the eighth day the Lord said, "And let the green snot floweth. And it flowed, and it was good."
Wondering if I can turn mayonnaise into a viable treatment for hardwood floors because I'm too damned lazy to clean up the mayo on my floor.
Tom Brokaw is gonna come out of his fucking chair.
No longer a car-battery jumping virgin. Did that sound dirty?
Honestly? I think his colon is as big as he is tall. That's like... 3 feet of poo! He was in there for 15 minutes!
So, when I'm watching Dr. No, why can't I have Sean-Connery-in-skimpy-swim-trunks-shaped graham crackers?
But at least his newest friend isn't invisible and calls me "That nasty old butt-scratching hag!" That would be depressing.
Made the kids jingle bell necklaces. Not so much because they're Christmas-y but because I want to hear them coming.
Hillshire Farm! Go Meat!
Too. Many. Toys! Must. Kick. Santa. In. Nuts! AARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
Oh, wonderful and great Maximum Strength Orajel, in your great name do we pray, Amen.
Riding the wave of a Godiva chocolate-induced insulin spike.
Baking. Which loosely translates to "trashing the kitchen and burning shit."
Might slip a little of the hard stuff into my coffee. "Hard" meaning "whole milk."
I wanna sniff Sean Connery's seat belt!