03 April 2009

The Letter I Should Have Written...

... To That Skank-Ass Ho Who Rented Our Neighborhood Clubhouse, Trashed It, And Bullied Us!*

Ahem.

Dear Ms. Douchbagette:
Are you frakkin’ serious? You rented our clubhouse. You didn’t clean it properly. You broke a doorknob. You were rude to a Board member who had every right to come into that clubhouse at any time (including during your white-trash birthday party), and then you turn psycho on us?!? And expect us just to bow to your bullying whims like little pussies, apologize for making you clean up your mess, and send you a check to pay you for your “sweet” disposition?

What. Ever.

First? Kiss our asses. Second? Quit sending out your childish, freakish, ridiculous e-mails that serve to not only validate your stupidity, but to piss us off. We have $200 of your money (a.k.a. deposit - what we like to think of as blood money). Keep this shit up and you’ll never see that money again. Small claims court? Bring it.

We’ve got news for you, chickadee. There are 169 homeowners in this neighborhood who own that clubhouse and I’m pretty sure that if we forward all your bullying e-mails to the remaining 164 homeowners who don’t know what’s going on with you? There would be a rallying cry of WOLVERINES!, pitchforks brandished, and torches lit and your ass? It would be grass, sweetie-pie.

We don’t appreciate our property being trampled on and disrespected and we certainly don’t appreciate your bullish tactics. We can talk smack about our own. We’re allowed. You? You’re just an outsider who’s going down.

You will not be receiving your $200 deposit in return. You’re e-mail account will, from this moment forward, receive extremely large (shut down your server large) quantities of Viagra and penis enlargement e-mails. In fact, just go ahead and apply for the bullybitch@aol.com address. I’m pretty sure that account is available since only techno-weenie losers like you have AOL accounts as their primary addresses. Finally, all residents have received your photo, name, address, phone number, e-mail, Social Security number, and blood type information. We will be watching.

You have been warned.

Bow and exalt,
The HOA Empress

* But noooooo! I have to be all professional and crap in our official letter. Silly HOA President has no idea of my power!

8 comments:

HEATHER said...

Remind me to never get on your bad side! LOL! Us mountain chicks are fierce!!!

sybil law said...

So, you can't even write something similar?!!!
Damn!

Tuli said...

Party gal had better thank her lucky stars that you're not allowed to unleash your fury. We, the loyal residents of CCMG, PRB, KNOW THE FURY OF WHICH YOU SPEAK.

Want us to fill her in?

Avitable said...

I like this letter better!

Employee No. 3699 said...

"Be afraid. Be very afraid.", as was said to Seth Brundle.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

AWESOME!!!!

I'd offer to help you smack her down, but I think you're all set. Remind me to bring you next time I need my back covered, k?

creative-type dad said...

I'd post her picture on all the telephone poles too!

A Free Man said...

So that's where all this damn spam is coming from. What did I do to you?

Seriously - that letter would do the trick.