01 May 2009

The Uterus is a Social Butterfly

I've decided to volunteer at Northside Hospital. I know, as if I don't already have tons of stuff to do and kids to wrangle love. For those of you who don't know, I was on home bed rest one month before the twins' birth. One word to describe that month?

Borgonizing.

Yep. Made that up. It's a combination of the words boring and agonizing because while you're bored out of your skull (I've cross-stitched every flat surface in the house and there's nothing else to do!!! And if I watch one more History channel special on the sinking of the Titanic I'm going to stab the TV with my scrapbook scissors!!!) you're also agonizing over the condition of you and your baby(ies) (Is my blood pressure going up?!? Has my cervix dilated any further?!? Did I just have a contraction?!?) The most exciting thing to happen during my month-long bed rest? Hurricane Katrina.

But, I was lucky. I got to chill at home, with my TV, my computer and wireless internet, my craft supplies, and my cats curled around my legs and feet. The women stuck in the High-Risk Perinatal Ward at Northside Hospital? Their lives suck. Luckily, there is a small group of volunteers called the Boredom Busters who just talk, listen, hang out, and get crafty with the ladies stuck on bed rest and I will now be part of this awesome group. Because who knew it? The uterus is a social organ.

You heard me. I found this out during my orientation. The uterus, like the heart and brain, is a social organ that responds to external emotional stimuli. If you're stressed out about being in the hospital for weeks and months on end? The pregnant uterus will begin contracting. If you're calm and chilling out with someone who gets what you're going through and has just offered to paint your toenails slut red? The pregnant uterus will remain still.

And if the husband/father-to-be forgets to bring your favorite rocky road ice cream to the hospital while you're lying in some damned-uncomfortable hospital bed with access to shitty cable television and every-two-hour blood pressure checks and the bitch nurse down the hall refuses to give you a catheter so you still have to waddle out of bed to take a leak trying like hell to beat peeing out all over your feet and floor and to top it all off the chick next door has wheelchair privileges and keeps coming over to brag about the roses her baby-daddy brought her last night? Well, then, your uterus just might reach out and choke him.

I'm just saying.

13 comments:

HEATHER said...

Wow that sounds like a wonderful program! Like you, I was on bedrest at home, so I totally know that the need exists.

A Free Man said...

I just watched this really cool documentary on the Queen Mary on the History Channel. Just, you know, if you want to shake things up a bit.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I reallllly wish they had something like this when I was on bed rest. I was borgonizing for about 9 weeks - and contracting every 3 minutes just due to getting up to pee. Not so good times.

Good for you - that sounds like fun. I was considering volunteering to offer Reiki to pregnant moms in the hospital. But then there's that thing called time - not sure how to find it.

sybil law said...

Nice! That IS a great idea. Those ladies are gonna love you. :)

Employee No. 3699 said...

Good for you!

That Chick Over There said...

I love you. No. For reals. I love you.

Patois said...

You are such a good friend to uterusus in need.

And your word? Word!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Good for you! I didn't know you had twins - should we invent a club? You must live that-away - it would take me hours in the traffic to get there from Decatur. Maybe when my twins are older...

Faiqa said...

The last part of your post had me in tears (from laughing-- my uterus has yet to take control of my mind at this point).

Not Afraid to Use It said...

The vision of a uterus reaching up and choking the shit out of a husband is hilarious!! Great post!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - I just wish we did home visits, but alas. Just in the hospital. The ladies enjoy it!

A Free Man - HA! You win the prize for most out-there comment!

MommyCosm - Oy, hon. What a nine weeks for you.

Sybil Law - I hope so!

Employee No. 3699 - Thanks, hon!

That Chick Over There - I love you, too!

Patois - Thanks, darlin'!

Merrily - We should totally invent a club! Bloggers With Twins! Weekend drives between our places would be do-able!

Faiqa - Hee hee! Glad you laughed! Hope your uterus doesn't choke Tariq!

NATUI - Thanks, hon!

Gypsy said...

That sounds like a really good way to help out.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Gypsy - And I can't wait to do it!