02 June 2009

Open Letter 10

Dear Nasty Neighbor:
I'm sorry you couldn't drag your better-than-everyone-else ass down to the Clubhouse at any time during the seven separate sessions totaling 13.5 hours that the HOA board offered during May to sign off on your pool keycards. I'm sorry you didn't thoroughly digest the e-mail which stated If you don't make it down to one of these times, you'll have to turn in your pool form at our property management office and the activation of your keycard could take up to two weeks. I'm so very sorry that you turned your form in to property management yesterday and expect the keycard to be activated today. I'm sorry that you think I and the other board members are here for your verbal abuse and servitude. I'm sorry that you must assume we're being payed an extravagant amount of money to put up with your bullshit. I'm sorry that you're a mean, nasty bitch who has nothing better to do with her time than belittle others and make them feel less than you.

But?

I'm not sorry that I can't stand your bitch ass and I'm not sorry that I can smile with glee knowing that no matter how many nasty e-mails you send? The HOA President will make damned sure your keycard activation will take three weeks.

Because she's as deviously evil as me.

Love,
HOA Goddess

Dear Northside Hospital and Atlanta Center for Puppetry Arts:
I appreciate that you're thinking about kids and wanting to do fun things for them over the summer. I appreciate the invite, Northside Hospital, to Zoo Atlanta to celebrate that my kids are alumni of the Northside NICU. And it's sweet, Puppetry Arts, that Thursdays this summer are free.

BUT...

Your party at the zoo, dear Northside, is from 6:30 to 8:30 PM. The time when my kids start to lose their minds because we're close to bed time. And your free shows, Puppetry Arts? Are Thursdays 1 to 3PM. My kids' nap time. I've tried to go without nap time for outings before. Not good. Thermonuclear meltdown not good.

I get that you guys are trying to make this convenient for the parents? But guess what. It's not convenient for me when my kids are losing. Their. Shit.

Please. I beg you. Start making these activities available in the morning. Before lunch. When kids are typically at their happiest.

Love,
Insane Mom of Three Who Desperately Needs to Get Out of This House

Dear Sweet Children of My Loins:
Thank you so very much for quietly playing in your pool this morning with no trauma of He took my Nemo!!! or She's got my dump truck!!! and allowing me to catch some sun and read my Wonder Woman comics.

I greatly appreciate it. From the bottom of my ovaries.

Love,
Mama.

9 comments:

sybil law said...

If I lived in your neighborhood, I'd be in jail.
But if you'd bail me out, I'd smack that bitch for you.
:)
(Glad you got some sun/ relaxing time! Way to go, cute kids!!)

Dave2 said...

Something in your tone tells me that you are not sorry... not really...

Employee No. 3699 said...

Must remember never to get on your bad side...only 7 more weeks until you get out of the house.

Whoopee!!

Avitable said...

I detect some sarcasm here.

Molly's Mom said...

Erg. I'd be picking up dog crap from other people's yards and putting it in hers. Under cover of night, of course...but maybe that's when Elvira is most active.

And I am so with you on the times of "kid/family" activities that are in the evenings! Cause my kid goes to bed at 8pm SHARP most nights.

Patois said...

Nothing makes me more gleeful than being able to take revenge on a moron in a legitimate, you-can't-prove-it way as you describe.

Faiqa said...

Every time you mention that you're on the HOA in your community, it makes me laugh. I just didn't peg you for a ... well, fascist.

(KIDDING!!)

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Isn't it amazing how many activities should be scheduled in the morning that get stuck way in the afternoon? Gah.

And hell to the fuck yeah about the keycard.

Gypsy said...

Love these. I hope that jackass has to wait all summer for his pool card.