For the twins' first birthday, Teri gave me a t-shirt with the title Yes, They Are Twins displaying sarcastic bullet points answering the annoying, personal questions people ask when they see a mother with twins.
Now, with these three being so close in age, I've come up with a new bullet list. It's too long for a t-shirt, but I'm thinking of printing up a brochure and handing it out when anyone asks Are they triplets?
- No, my children are not triplets, but two of them are twins and the other is 20 months younger than the twins.
- Irish triplets? Do you even know the history of the term Irish triplets? Because you just basically called me stupid, unable to plan, and a sex fiend. Gee. Thanks.*
- I'll give you $100 if you guess which ones are the twins.
- OK. I won't give you anything because you just called me a ho in a roundabout way and anyway you're going to guess that the boys are twins and you're wrong. It's my taller son and my daughter.
- Yes. Yes. The twins are identical. My daughter was born a boy, but the circumcision went pear-shaped and we decided to raise him as a her. Lucky for us, he/she likes pink.
- Yes, I was being sarcastic again. Boy/girl twins cannot be identical. It's a biological impossibility. Kind of like you walking upright.
- Why are you asking how far apart they were? How far apart were your bowel movements this week? Oh, that's personal? Well, then don't ask about how quickly humans came out of my vagina and I won't ask you about the regularity of your colon.
- What the hell are artificial twins? Why would you ask that? Are you saying my twins are imaginary? That all of this is an illusion? Wow. I've been screwed. Oh, you wanted to know if I got pregnant through in-vitro or some other method. Did you have a bowel movement today via ex-lax or sweet potatoes? WHAT?!?
- Oh, sure. I have all the time in the world. Please, do tell me about your cousin's-brother's-wife's-sister's-nephew's twin girls. Or those triplets you once saw at Wal-Mart that were in their 80s and all wearing square dance dresses during their day out from the convalescent home. I have all day. No, I don't need to get home in 20 minutes to cook dinner. Not at all.
- Yes, my hands are full. No, of course you aren't the 9-millionth person to say that to me. Thanks for the reminder.
*My mother-in-law calls her grandkids Irish triplets and I let her because she's family and she's cute when she does it.