Kirk Fights Dirty and Vader Spits

I wrote this article a month ago for my Community Sherpa gig. Bow and worship. Or run screaming. Whatev.

You know you’ve wondered about it, in the dark of night, when the deep recesses of your brain are working overtime after six hours of reality TV. What have you wondered, you might ask? Well, I’ll tell you.

Star Wars vs. Star Trek.

Oh, come on. It’s the epic battle we’ve all salivated to see that Gene Roddenberry and George Lucas never saw fit to bring to the big screen. Can’t you just see it with picture-perfect HD clarity? The USS Enterprise (NCC-1701 of course)battles the Death Star. Captain Kirk dukes it out with Darth Vader. Spock battles wits with Emperor Palpatine. Luke Skywalker matches his lightsaber with Sulu’s rapier while Uhura and Leia compare hair styles and we mustn’t forget to compare the mad engineer skills of Chewbacca to Scotty. As human beings we must, nay, we are compelled to analyze the two most epic science fiction stories of all time and set them as rivals against one another.

It’s an argument that will never be resolved and one that rests on the opinion of whomever is doing the arguing, but we can certainly imagine the fisticuffs exchanged between the tall, imposing, armor-clad Vader and the yep-his-shirt-is-ripped-again Kirk. Sure, Vader commands the power of The Force at his fingertips but he doesn’t have the moxie, the contempt for finesse that Kirk exudes. Please, the man is all brawn and no subtlety. He may not beat Vader but he’ll certainly make his helmet spin.

You know the most compelling competition to watch would be Chewie in the guts of the Millenium Falcon and Scotty elbow-deep in the Enterprise’s warp core. I can hear the competition referee now, Gentlemen! There is an Imperial Star Destroyer/Klingon Bird of Prey coming up fast! Your hyperdrive/warp core is on the fritz! Fix it before they fire on you! And… go! I’m not sure who would win that contest. It would probably be a very close tie with Scotty muttering in his thick Scottish brogue and lamenting about his “wee bairns” while Chewbacca menacingly waves a wrench to the tune of Wookie wails. Regardless of who wins, you know they’d end up sharing not only a bottle of single malt Scotch whiskey, but stories of miracle repairs, as well.

We all have our opinions of which story would win the contest. It all depends on if you’re a Trekkie or a Jedi. Whatever your sci-fi leanings, in the end it’s more fun to contemplate the story, rather than the ending. Wouldn’t you like to know what happened prior to Spock’s defeat at the flicker of Palpatine’s Force lightning or just how Uhura ended up with Leia cinnamon buns?

I know I would.