11 November 2009

Sticks and Stones

Words rule my life, as they do all our lives. We speak to one another, we text, we blog, write, Twitter, all of it. Whether misspelled, misshapen, misspoken, they are there, thrown, hurtled, and passed gently as whispers. They assail me everyday and yet I find that my personal dictionary is dried-up, my larynx closed, my frontal lobe quiet. We're talking parched Earth here, people.

In the past seven months, I've used my words as weapons. Yes, the keyboard is mightier than the sword. Words have been flung at me with the force of a machine gun and I've weathered the assault with biting, cutting verbiage of my own. Oh, yeah, I've driven down that road and left a dusty wake of nastiness behind me and here at the end, I find myself unable to utter a simple declarative sentence.

In the past four years, I've used my words to teach, correct, yell, tell stories, and soothe hurt feelings. My children constantly call for Mama, they jabber about their days and holler when wronged. They expect me to have the answers to all of their questions and I just don't have them right now. It's too much, to be responsible for teaching them everything. I'm wrung out. I don't have it in me to give out one more Say 'Excuse me!' when you burp. or Apologize to your sister. or I love you.

I speak only when spoken to. I don't respond to e-mails or comments. My answers are short and sweet and my questions stay unspoken. I just can't find the words to express how I'm feeling. I read, I absorb, I listen and watch, but my language centers have hit pause and I'm not quite sure how to get back to the beginning when the words flowed without a jumble.

I need quiet, rest, no one depending on me or any decisions I have to make. I dream of being still, of answering to no one. But all of that is impossible.

So I guess I'll just wait for the words to come.

18 comments:

Dave2 said...

Ooh. I'm happy it's not just me then! I was worried you hated the DOTs and were avoiding me!

Feel better. Find your voice when you're ready. :-)

Chelsie said...

It will come when it's ready Sometimes we all need a moment to reflect and regroup. Here's hoping you find your well of words and the focus to bring them out again.

DutchBitch said...

I know the feeling and trust me. The words will come to you again.

* HUG *

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

You better damn well answer my emails! 'Cept I'm too much of an introvert to email you. So... disregard.

I've gone through a couple of those spells. That's why I've had more photo posts than wordy posts lately. I think it's the turning of the season. It always brings gloom.

Blah. Feel better!

Hilly said...

Totally sort of maybe off topic: I am writing a blog post right now that talks about "sticks and stones". We're on a wavelength.

Avitable said...

Sounds like you need to get away - can't you convince Ty to go with you and go diving for a few days? :)

LceeL said...

Avitable has a point. You need some "recharge the batteries" time. Whether it's you and your husband or you off by yourself - you need a change of scenery. I hope it's possible for you - even if it's only going to the library and browsing books for a few hours - or going to Panera Bread and treating yourself to a soup 'n' sandwich - or just doing something simple for YOU - for your 'self'.

Tuli said...

We'll all be here when you find your words, Heather. We're like a shadowy presence in the corner...lurking, always here, waiting. And we've got all the patience in the world.

hello haha narf said...

leave the kids with ty and come up to pittsburgh for a long weekend. vacations are good for the soul. i promise not to ask you a shit ton of questions. :)

Momisodes said...

I know this feeling all to well. Perhaps some time away from the virtual world will help.

Hang in there. It will come. We'll be here.

sybil law said...

A little vacation might be necessary!
I really hope you feel better.
xoxo

Finn said...

You need some down time. The words will come when they are ready, when you are ready.

Take care of you. We'll be here when you get back.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I think the words are hiding in Bonaire. You'll need to dive deep to find them tough.

I was feeling similar *blah* last January - and found a much happier version of me to bring back home from a week in Aruba. She's stuck around since. We like her - and know where to find her again when she runs away.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Not being facetious here, but maybe it is time to have your surgery? A few days in the hospital, the only responsibility you have being to take care of YOU. No one can cop out because you are in the fucking hospital. Give it some thought.

Employee No. 3699 said...

I totally get where you're coming from. Maybe you and Ty can get away for a long weekend without the kids...preferably on a dive boat with Captain Morgan on board.

HEATHER said...

Oh honey, I am right there with you. I have needed to post and just can not make the words come.
I wish someone could get together a group of moms who would be willing to step in for each other so one mom could take a sick day or a mental health day when needed. Hang in there!!

Patois said...

Word.

A Free Man said...

I've been doing the same silent treatment with people. Unfortunately it has also included silence on my blog.