18 November 2009

Translations

When she asks:

Does this dress make me look fat?

What she's really asking is:

Even though my body has changed due to having children/age/10 boxes of Hostess cupcakes, do you still find me physically attractive? Would you throw me down and do me right now? Would you mockingly tell Robert Pattison "Nuh-huh! My ho looks better'n your ho!"?

If he replies:

No.

What he's really saying:

Oh, God. Not the question. Anything but that. I can't handle it. Why is she always asking me that?!? I mean, the sex is still pretty good and she knows how to fix a mean pot roast/toilet/Dodge Ram 3500 Pickup 2,400CC engine and she doesn't complain about me hogging the remote. Well, she doesn't whine all that much about it except when I watch NASCAR/UFC/Star Trek. I mean, she's got some serious lady wings and I can see her spare tire, but I guess she looks OK in it. I don't want to piss her off, so I'll say no.

If he replies:

Yes

What he's really saying:

Wait, did she ask me if I look fat in that dress? Because I have worn it a few times and it does make me look all beefy and stuff. So, I'll say yes.

So, ladies. If your man has ever answered Yes, then don't get your knickers in a wad. It's probably a case of someone not paying attention. And wearing your clothes when you're not at home. At least, that's what I think.

Check back next week for a definition of Dude! Today was a triple Higgins day!

16 comments:

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

I've never said yes, but I have said "well, it's not the most flattering look for you."

I recently had to tell wife that it's time for her to get new pants because her butt sags too much in her current wardrobe. She dropped 2 or 3 sizes from running her ass off (see what I did there?) everyday, and her fat pants just weren't doing it for me anymore. Luckily, she got my vibe and knew I was complimenting her in a roundabout way.

LceeL said...

Lady wings? WHAT lady wings? You don't have lady wings. You have CURVES, where you should have curves. At least that was MY observation. Do you need an intervention? Do you need somebody to just grab you by the short ones, get in your face and tell you how lovely you are? 'Cause baby, I'm your man!!!

Patois said...

Thanks for that! Or do I mean to say, "Yes"?

Finn said...

That makes so much more sense now. Thank you!

Employee No. 3699 said...

I don't even bother to ask my husband how I look in something. It's not worth the effort because I know he'll always say I look great. Even though I can usually finish his sentences, I can't always tell if he's lying between his teeth.

metalmom said...

I have epic fail when I dress myself. I always ask his opinion and he gives it to me. If he said "yes you look fat" I'd toss it in the trash and use that as an excuse to do more SHOPPING!

marty said...

No. you don't look fat. The dress must've shrunk 8 sizes in the wash.

There must be a reason my gf dumped me?

Avitable said...

I always answer "Bumblebee Tuna" and walk away quickly.

sybil law said...

I don't even ask. Well, actually I DID recently, about a pair of jeans. But those jeans that I ordered online were at least a size too big, so there's that. :)

Momisodes said...

LOL! I NEVER thought of it that way. Although, if my husband were able to fit into my dresses, I would die!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

OMG I totally had to look up lady wings!!! Shit, girl. You crack me up.

Audubon Ron said...

I get that agony yank daily. So, I nicked named her Hollywood. That gets it all out there and never compromises BJ day. :)

Muskrat said...

I like to ask about "that new Gwar video" whenever questions come up I don't want to answer.

Geekgrl64 said...

Heather!

Here is the information that we talked about last night. Go here and fill out the app.

http://dragoncon.org/dc_guest_app.php

Here is the email for fan table reservation: pellaz1@comcast.net

I'm still looking for the name of the person that runs the track that you need information for. As soon as I get that I will forward it on!

A Free Man said...

Sometimes I wish I was gay.