17 February 2010

Sex-Crazed Underwater Bad Ass*

Some truths about scuba-diving you may not know:
  • There are two types of divers: those who pee in their wetsuits and those who lie about it. People, I'm here to tell you... I pee in my wetsuit. I pee in my wetsuit for self-defense. First, I chow down on breakfast and suck down the coffee. Then? I'm on the dive boat before my first dive, loading up on water. During my surface interval? It's fruit juice. And I'm doing this because I'm a cold-natured wuss and peeing in my wetsuit helps keep me warm. Everyone does it and that's why you never rent a wetsuit. Ick. If you dive with me and see me suddenly go still in the water? It's because I'm peeing and creating my own personal thermocline. Either stay away or come on over and share the love.
  • Wanna be sexy underwater? Wanna be in demand as a scuba buddy? Then control your air consumption. If you suck on the air like a freight train trying to get the mail to Louisville by 9AM, nobody will want to dive with you. Who wants to spend a shit-ton of money on a Caribbean trip and only spend 20 minutes in the water per dive? Not. Me. So, slow down your lungs and everybody will want to be your friend.
  • Nobody gives a rat's ass how deep you've been and how many sharks you've seen. See the guy who's sitting off to the side, not saying much, quietly nodding his head? He's probably an ex-Navy SEAL who sat at the bottom of the ocean on a closed-circuit rebreather, deeper than you'll ever dream of, and tracked subs off the coast of Russia. He probably also had his leg gnawed on by a Great White. And most likely had sex with your girlfriend last night. Just shut up already, 'kay?
  • Yellow-tail snappers will gorge on Ramen noodles until they pop. Much more satisfying than feeding sea gulls Alka-Seltzer.
  • Scared of sharks? Whatev. Just be glad damsel fish aren't bigger than a couple of inches, because if they were? These ostentatious little f*ckers would eat. You. Alive. I can't tell you how many times I've been on a reef, innocently taking pictures, minding my own business, and a damsel fish has nipped my hand or fin because I was too close to its home. They are easily upset and have no qualms about drawing blood. Chum+Damsel Fish=Underwater Apocalypse. You have been warned.
So, yeah! The Ty-man and I had a great time down south. I waved to MommyCosm 60 miles West in Aruba and I flipped off Hugo Chavez 50 miles to the South. Ty snorkeled, relaxed, and chilled while I swam with the fish.



It was a break we definitely needed and we're glad to be home!

* The true meaning of the SCUBA acronym. Just FYI.

15 comments:

Little Mrs. Jonesss said...

I definitely didn't know any of those helpful facts! The quiet guy on the boat is pretty awesome. I think we could hang (and I doubt he would want to have sex with my girlfriend). Unless we are talking about you. Then yea. Totally. Haha

LceeL said...

Scuba is one thing I have never done - well, not really never - I used to vacuum my Mom's pool while wearing a tank and laying on the bottom. Which is a great way to beat the heat in the summer. And you don't have to worry about territorial damsel fish, either.

Logical Libby said...

On my first open water dive I got bitten by a Pompano. I had to get a tetanus shot, and endure dozens of doctors and nurses coming in to ask exactly how I had gotten bitten by a fish.

I had no fear for sharks after that.

Finn said...

I'd totally pee in my wet suit.

Glad you had a good time!

hello haha narf said...

love knowing that you had a great time, you sex crazed underwater bad ass.

(more photos, please)

sybil law said...

I am soooo glad you got to go (on the trip - and, I guess, pee in your wetsuit!)!
Looks and sounds fabulous! Minus those damsel fish.

metalmom said...

That is my dream vacation. I'm so glad you had a good time!

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

Nobody has sex with my girlfriend except me!!!! Just don't tell my wife.

Glad you had a great time. I always feel like I need a vacation after taking a vacation.

A Free Man said...

Glad you had a good trip down. Sounds like a well deserved break. But where are the jealousy inducing photos? That's the best thing about holidays, showing off afterwards.

Clint said...

I'm jealous. I have not been diving in too long. Its been several years. glad you guys had a great time.

Dave2 said...

I pee in OTHER people's wetsuit. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

Want to go diving next week?

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Little Mrs. Jonesss - HA! Oh, we're totally girlfriends. Well, we are as far as Mr. Jones and Ty-man are concerned. ;)

LceeL - That sounds like a totally sweet job!

Logical Libby - Yeah. I've been mauled by jacks, damsel fish, and moray eels. Sharks are big babies.

Finn - Woo hoo! Glad to know you're a fellow pee'er. :)

Hello Haha Narf - Thanks, hon!

Sybil Law - It's ALL about peeing in the wetsuit.

MetalMom - If it's your dream vacation, then you need to come with me next time!

Joe @ IrrationalDad - YESSIR!

A Free Man - Thanks!

Clint - You need to get back in the water, hon!

Dave2 - See, I always knew you were a wetsuit pee'er. When I first met you, I thought, "Now, there's a guy who pees in wetsuits."

Not Afraid To Use It said...

Love the Ramen noodle thing. Good to know!

Avitable said...

People pee? Now I'm totally never doing it.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

NATUI - Seriously, they love it.

Avitable - Dude. That's why you buy your own wetsuit.