23 March 2010

Motherhood Math

(zn)(1/x) = (y)dB

Translation: z toddlers raised to the power of the ceiling height (n) (note: a higher ceiling means more echoing power), multiplied by 1 divided by the temperature of the pool (x) is equal to the number of decibels (y) assaulting my ears.

Example: 3 toddlers, 20ft. high ceilings, 85oF pool, all equals 41,020,992 dB. Basically, all of North America should have been disintegrated yesterday. Still here? Awesome.

FD = (doDI x T x C x sa x FJ x Ch x M)z

Translation: Destruction of the inside of your home, on the Fujita Scale of Tornado Intensity (FD) is equal to the number of Dora the Explorer toys (do) raised to the power of the number of Diego toys (DI) multiplied by the number of Thomas the Tank Engines (T) multiplied by the number of toy cars (C) multiplied by the number of stuffed animals (sa) multiplied by the gallons of fruit juice dribbled/spilled (FJ) multiplied by the cups of Cheerios distributed throughout the carpet (Ch) multiplied by the number of minutes the kids were left alone while you folded laundry (M) all raised to the power of the number of kids in your home (z).

Example: Dora toys = innumerable, Diego toys = too damned many, Thomas the Tanks Engines = a zillion?, toy cars = Oh dear Lord, stuffed animals = do you have to ask?, Fruit Juice gallons = 12, Cheerios = thousands, laundry minutes = 30, z = 3. Therefore, the Fujita Scale of Tornado Intensity inside your home... doesn't exist. Again with the disintegration. For the sake of argument, we'll say F6. Yeah. Doesn't that make you feel better?

y + FD = G

Translation: Number of decibels from swim lesson plus house destruction is equal to the number of Godiva chocolate squares consumed.

Example: You seriously want the number? Go away. I'm eating.

*Writer's Note: All of these equations are fake. I'm a bored, frustrated mathematician. Sue me.


Patois said...

My favorite part? That you felt compelled to note that the equations are fake. 'Cause someone is going to point out an error.

MrsRobbieD said...


LceeL said...

There she is. The 'Stephen Hawking' of motherhood.

You are so funny.

Nobody™ said...



I can't hear you! I have earplugs in!

Faiqa said...

You're like an evil genius. With pudding stains on your shoulder.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

You ever heard that song "Jizz in my Pants"?

Yeah, this post.

Miss Britt said...

Wow. This has got to be the most intelligent parent gripe EVER.

A Free Man said...

I think your last equation should be y^FD = G.

But that's just me.

coalminer said...

they mite be fake but i understood them about as good as i can a calculus book lol. and on your note - i can only wait with anticipation for my youngin to grow up into a toddler... :/