Motherhood Math

(zⁿ)(1/x) = (y)dB

Translation: z toddlers raised to the power of the ceiling height (n) (note: a higher ceiling means more echoing power), multiplied by 1 divided by the temperature of the pool (x) is equal to the number of decibels (y) assaulting my ears.

Example: 3 toddlers, 20ft. high ceilings, 85^oF pool, all equals 41,020,992 dB. Basically, all of North America should have been disintegrated yesterday. Still here? Awesome.


FD = (do^DI x T x C x sa x FJ x Ch x M)^z

Translation: Destruction of the inside of your home, on the Fujita Scale of Tornado Intensity (FD) is equal to the number of Dora the Explorer toys (do) raised to the power of the number of Diego toys (DI) multiplied by the number of Thomas the Tank Engines (T) multiplied by the number of toy cars (C) multiplied by the number of stuffed animals (sa) multiplied by the gallons of fruit juice dribbled/spilled (FJ) multiplied by the cups of Cheerios distributed throughout the carpet (Ch) multiplied by the number of minutes the kids were left alone while you folded laundry (M) all raised to the power of the number of kids in your home (z).

Example: Dora toys = innumerable, Diego toys = too damned many, Thomas the Tanks Engines = a zillion?, toy cars = Oh dear Lord, stuffed animals = do you have to ask?, Fruit Juice gallons = 12, Cheerios = thousands, laundry minutes = 30, z = 3. Therefore, the Fujita Scale of Tornado Intensity inside your home... doesn't exist. Again with the disintegration. For the sake of argument, we'll say F6. Yeah. Doesn't that make you feel better?


y + FD = G

Translation: Number of decibels from swim lesson plus house destruction is equal to the number of Godiva chocolate squares consumed.

Example: You seriously want the number? Go away. I'm eating.

*Writer's Note: All of these equations are fake. I'm a bored, frustrated mathematician. Sue me.