18 May 2010

I'll Take My Mid-Life Crisis In Purple, Please!

I haven't posted about Ty-man's new car on the blog because, well, this isn't frakking Auto Trader and I haven't felt the need.

Now? I do.

Ty was all bitchy about the end-of-lease on his Acura and wailing about the fact that a used Corvette would cost the same as a new Acura. And I was all So what's stopping you? Go get your Corvette. Hey, if my man is going to have a mid-life crisis*, better for it to be a bright-red, soft-top, 6-speed manual shift squatting right in front of me in my garage than a case of Just For Men in the bathroom cabinet. Besides, I can drive the bright red Mid-Life Crisis. I can't do squat with the Just For Men.

So, there I was on Saturday, driving the Mid-Life Crisis. It's a great ride. You literally lay back and listen to the engine attempt to fling itself out of the front of the car. It's an amazing piece of machinery to behold and it scares me shitless every time I drive it, not because I'm intimidated by the machine, but because it's Ty-man's Mid-Life Crisis, his baby, his baby covered in sticky toddler hand prints. If it were my mid-life crisis (ahem: Bugatti Veyron Mazda Miata) I'd be swinging around corners, doing doughnuts on the interstate, and terrorizing the local police force. As it is, I drive that arrest-me red Mid-Life Crisis like some grandma escaping from the local nursing home.

As I made my way home on said stormy Saturday night, I was taking the extra-special shortcut from Cumming to Woodstock. Little did I know the extra-special shortcut was witnessing an extra-special car accident and the main road was blocked. I pulled off the road, accessed the Mid-Life Crisis's nav system and found an alternate route I felt would take me back to the main road far enough west to avoid the accident.

Wrong McIncorrecty Pants.

As I'm driving uphill on Sweetapple Drive, I notice the five cars ahead of me, and that the road has no shoulder. As in we have pavement with ditches on either side. The next thing I know, we're all stopped right at the end of the road where it turns onto the main road and there are blue flashing lights EVERYWHERE. Suddenly, one of those blue flashing lights starts coming down our road, blaring his loudspeaker, telling all of us to get out of the way.

Now, there is NOWHERE to turn around, I am pointed uphill in a stick shift, and if I move over one inch, the Mid-Life Crisis is in a ditch.

To say that I took the Lord's name in vain with every cuss word I know would be an understatement. I even uttered motherf*cker in Bulgarian (thank you, Eva!). Because there I was on a back-country road, no streetlights, WITH DITCHES ON EITHER SIDE OF THE PAVEMENT, trying to back my husband's Mid-Life Crisis up.

I was praying, swearing, nearly-crying, and vowing, from that moment on, to only drive the Mid-Life Crisis on major highways and interstates. Finally, I reached a slight widening in the road and decided it was now or never to turn around. A 12-point turn and five minutes later, I praised the baby Jesus in swaddling clothes in the manger with the donkeys and cows and horses looking down on him. And then I started cussing again because right in front of me, trying to get to the accident, was a bucket truck. Trying to pass me. On the narrow country road with ditches on either side.

Naturally, I panicked, popped the clutch, and killed the engine. Because this is what all cool people in American muscle cars do during a mid-life stormy-accident-back-road crisis.

All ended well. I started the Mid-Life Crisis back up, passed the bucket truck, yelled something out the window about f*cking clutches! and got back to civilization.

And kissed the garage floor when I finally parked Ty-man's Crisis.

*Actually, he's not really having a mid-life crisis. He's a major lover of all things Corvette and this is actually his third Corvette in 12 years. I think if one could marry a car, I'd be history.

19 comments:

Hilly said...

I approve of your driving stylistics, hahaha! Also, McIncorrecty Pants is awesome!

Liz said...

I'm giggling with you not at you

Molly's Mom said...

Yikes!
What a nice wife you are to let Ty-Man have his 'vette...let's just say I would NOT be as accommodating.

Muskrat said...

Oh my. Why did he let you drive it again? I don't like for my wife to drive my 6-year-old Acura with 120k miles unless I'm intoxicated, but a nearly-new Corvette? No way!

Finn said...

I hate driving other people's cars, no matter how cool they are. How can you have fun when you're worried about ruining it?

LceeL said...

So. Just how DO you say motherf*cker in Bulgarian?

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Hilly - Came up with that one on the fly!

Liz - Oh, sure! RIIIIIGHT! :)

Molly's Mom - I'm not nice, I'm selfish, because I want to drive it!

Muskrat - It's either let me drive it or no sex.

Finn - It is a bit nerve-wracking.

LceeL - Da ti eba maikata. Loosely translated to "Go f*ck your mother!" Yeah, I'm classy. :)

Little Mrs. Jonesss said...

What a night you had! Sorry I bet that was a bit stressful! Reminds me of the time dad let me take the newly finished and beautiful 1933 dodge sedan to prom...and I accidentally broke one of the windows. AH!

sybil law said...

Corvette's are awesome - who could blame him?!
Please don't ever get a Miata.
And be careful!!

MrsRobbieD said...

My dad is getting a Harley, My lil bro got a Harley, SO I told my almost 8 year old I was going to get one too...She said NOOOO momma you can't have a harley... I said how bout a 'vette. She says sure. ;)

I will have me one some day when I don't need a momma wagon to lug the chillrens around.

Patois said...

Please record the curse word and post it so I can practice saying it correctly.

Grant said...

The nav system probably sensed that you were driving a mid-life crisis special and, when it gave directions, assumed that you could jump over ditches and corner on two wheels.

HEATHER said...

Color me pea-green with envy!

Employee No. 3699 said...

Laughed my ass off reading this. You truly have a way with words.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Little Mrs. Jonesss - Oh, I know I've joked about being your dad's backup-backup drive, but in all honestly, I would probably wet my panties driving one of his cars!

Sybil Law - Actually... I owned a Miata back before kids and LOVED it. :)

MrsRobbieD - Oooo, Harleys are AWESOME!

Patois - Will do!

Grant - No doubt. Frakking nav systems.

Other Heather - If I'm ever in KY with said Vette, will give you a joy ride. :)

Employee No. 3699 - Pick up the ass and put it back on! Please! :)

Avitable said...

I just can't see you driving any way other than like a grandma. I don't know why. Unless you were on a speeder bike.

Anonymous said...

Hey Darlin, you can "DRIVE MY VETTE ANYTIME" ;-)

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

Dude, although I'm sure it isn't considered "manly," I would TEAR SOME ROADS UP in a Miata.

Team Russi said...

Kudos to your for managing the turn in 5 minutes and 12 points! A fellow HOA member (yeah... been wondering what I did to get myself into that one, too!) took 6 turns to turn around and leave my 3 space driveway in a tiny Miata.

As long as you and the car looked good while you did it then you can just smile and wave. :)