I recently read The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake* (A pretty good book with an interesting story line that will keep you engaged if you can overlook the staggering lack of quotation marks, which, quite frankly, made me want to RIP OUT the author's larynx. But, I'm cool. It's aaaaallll good.) and wondered what people would discover about me through my cooking.
And that's when I remembered... I don't cook! I suck at cooking. My cooking? Bad for your health.
OK, OK, I'll be honest. There are a week's worth of meals I know how to cook without making people gag and run for the hills. But? Overall? I'm not good at it. Deep down, I'm a recipe-literalist. If a recipe says 1/4 teaspoon of this and 1 cup of that, then I'm putting in 1/4 teaspoon and 1 cup, no more, no less. I don't experiment and I certainly don't know what spices or vegetables make which meats taste better or worse. I'm clueless! I'm at the mercy of the recipe and what it says goes for me. It drives me nuts when my mom, a.k.a. Martha Stewart, Jr., will tell me "dash" of salt or "pinch" of nutmeg. NO! Absolutely not! Don't give me that bovine crap. Do you know I actually found measuring spoons that are labeled pinch, dash, and smidge? Yeah. That's how desperate I am. I use a kitchen conversation piece in my mother's cooking.
And when I get excited and try a new recipe that my loved ones deem Meh, could use more 'insert ingredient here'. I lock up. What's the point in slaving over a stove full of new-recipe-food, after a day of herding kids, laundry, dishes, and toys, when the end result is going to be Welllllll..... I've even tried the simple pot roast. Easy, right? A slab of meat, some salt, pepper, dry onion soup mix, water, brown that sucker on all sides, put it in the crock and pot and GO! Wrong. Turns out dry and tasteless every time, no matter what combination I attempt. After all that, the kitchen is then trashed and everyone's taste buds go to bed unimpressed and I couldn't care less if I ever touch another cookbook or skillet again.
So, if I actually did cook on a regular basis, and any of you had the talent of the young girl in The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, you would most likely taste the following:
frustration - that I have to cook
irritation - that I've spilled yet another ingredient on the floor
fatigue - that it's the end of the day and I wish some one else would fix this food
anger - that it's all going to turn out Meh after all that work
Anybody want to send me some flash-frozen casseroles?
*BTW? Not a paid post. So, suck it FTC!