Country Roads...Mountain Mama...Yadda Yadda

OK, let's get into it. My home state. West Virginia. West "By, God!" Virginia. It is, believe it or not, a state not, as many think, a geographic area of Virginia. We were admitted into the Union during the Civil War, on June 20, 1863. Let's face it, western Virginians were fed up with being cut off from the wealthy Virginia landowners, their southern ideals, their ownership of slaves, and had practically no dealings with the state government in Richmond. When Virginia joined the Confederate States of America in 1861, those 19th century western Virginians decided they had had enough. West Virginia is the only state to have seceded from another state and, let's face it, Abraham Lincoln needed all the support he could get. Our statehood was constantly called into question by Virginia until 1871 when the US Supreme Court ruled in West Virginia's favor regarding county line disputes.

Our motto is Montani semper liberi - Mountaineers are always free, our bird is the cardinal, and our flower is the dogwood (yeah, not very original since we copied Virginia). One of our economy's main resources is, you guessed it, coal. The economy is poor, a college education is not a priority for the majority of the population, and even though it has the smallest percentage of people speaking a language other than English at home, those back-woods citizens living out in the "holla" speak a version of English that is barely understood by the rest of us.

Despite all of this, West Virginians are some of the friendliest people you will ever meet. Growing up in a hardscrabble environment with constant hardships make Mountaineers a rugged yet loving people. What upsets me the most is that a lot of morons in this country don't even know that West Virginia exists.

I once wrote a check in my college bookstore and when I showed my West Virginia driver's license to the cashier she said, "I have a cousin who lives in Richmond!" I even heard of a fellow Mountaineer whose West Virginia ID was rejected because the store clerk claimed it was a fake ID meaning, "There's no such state as West Virginia." Those people who do realize that we are a state think that all Mountaineers are stupid hillbillies whose only occupations are marrying their cousins and making moonshine. All I have to say is I've never tasted moonshine in my life and my husband is SO not my cousin.

OK, sure, I've been living in Georgia for the past 13 years. But, once a Mountaineer, always a Mountaineer. Just ask Don Knotts, John Corbett, Jennifer Garner, or Senator Robert Byrd. West Virginia has some of the most beautiful scenery in the country, and great outdoor activities such as skiing, hiking, whitewater rafting, BASE jumping (from the New River Gorge bridge), and fishing. My home state is an outdoors man's (or woman's) paradise.

The only bad thing about being from West Virginia? John Denver's song Country Roads. Being called a "Mountain Mama" anytime someone finds out you're a Mountaineer is not cool. So, stop it already, 'kay?

Go to http://www.wv.gov, educate yourself about the union's 35th state, and if someone ever tells you they're from West Virginia you can shock them by saying, "I know this girl from Charleston!" They'll be mighty impressed!

Stop Piddlin' on the Seats, Ladies!

There are two things you learn, as a woman, when it comes to visiting the public bathroom. The first thing you realize is that the lines are always long, regardless of the number of stalls. The second is that you have to practically clean off the toilet before you even go because of all the urine on the seat! Why does this happen, you ask? Well, let me elaborate.

For many years, our mothers have perpetuated the myth that toilet seats carry millions of germs and that if you sit on a public toilet seat, you'll end up with a stomach flu, herpes, any number of STDs, etc. They are supposedly dirty, filthy pieces of plastic that must be feared. Therefore, you must NEVER sit down on a public toilet seat. You must squat instead. In actuality, kitchen counters tend to harbor more bacteria than your average toilet seat.

As a goody-two-shoes teen, I obeyed my mother. I squatted over every public toilet seat I ever came across, regardless of the conditions of said seats. All I can say is that squatting over a toilet should be part of every gym workout in America because it builds incredible thigh muscles. During all of this squatting, I noticed something. At home, there was never urine on my toilet seat because I sat on the seat. Whenever I squatted over a public seat, the end result was urine splashed everywhere. Ladies, we all know our anatomy. We all know it's nearly impossible to pee standing up. Squatting is not going to suddenly allow us to pee cleanly.

Squatting over public toilets leads us down the path of a vicious cycle. Squatting causes sprinkling and you squat to avoid the sprinkles already on the seat. If we would all just SIT on the damned seats, there would be no sprinkles, and therefore no need to squat! Do you see where I'm going with this?!? Think about the part of your anatomy that is touching the seat. It's the backs of your legs. How dirty are the backs of your legs? Unless I've been splashing around in a mud pit (THERE'S a visual for you), the backs of my legs are fairly clean. That being said, if you sit on a toilet seat that a total stranger just sat on, the most you may catch is a whiff of the honeysuckle lotion she applied that morning. So, sit! Enjoy your moment on the john! Don't squat like you're trying to prepare for a Ms. Universe competition. SIT!

In addition to empowering women everywhere to sit, not squat, on public toilet seats, let's all flush and clean up after ourselves. It's amazing how nasty women can be in public restrooms. I experienced one toilet in Germany (you know which one I'm talking about, Vonda) that went beyond any nastiness I've ever experienced in a women's restroom. I can't describe it here because it was just... horrible. Let's clean up after ourselves! Wipe up! Flush! Keep it clean for the next woman who has to pee, because you know the minimum wage employee who is responsible for the bathrooms that day certainly won't keep it clean for us!

10 Easy Steps to Becoming a Super Geek!

"'Cause she's a Super Geek! Super Geek! She's Super Geekin', Yow!"

The above is part of the original, little-known lyrics Rick James originally wrote for the song that would eventually become known as Superfreak. Personally, I preferred the Super Geek angle.

Another of my nicknames among friends is Super Geek. Yes, I am a geek (Duh!). I am very proud, in fact, to call myself a geek. Back in the '80s, we were ridiculed, ostracized, and generally hidden from public view. Our families were ashamed and we had to hide our love of word problems. To admit you were a geek was to admit that you had no social life, no hope for a spouse (or sex life), and no hope that you would ever get out of your high-water corduroy pants. It was hard being a geek back then. Today, though, it's a different story. Geeks are admired, looked upon with respect, and a few have even hit the big time with extra-large bank accounts. (Bill Gates? Anyone? Anyone?)

A handful of us geeks, though, hold the special title of "Super Geek" and for those of you jealous enough to want this title for yourselves, I have included 10 easy steps you can follow to become a Super Geek.

1. Get accepted into Mensa. (Bonus: Join while in elementary school!)

2. Regularly watch Star Trek TV shows and movies as well as the Star Wars movies. (Bonus: Admit to your Captain Kirk crush.) (Triple geek score: Name your kids Luke and Leia.)

3. Read A LOT of science fiction. (Bonus: Write a term paper on the religious and ecological messages found in Frank Herbert's Dune.)

4. Go to Space Camp. (Bonus: Meet your future spouse at Space Camp.)

5. Get a degree in physics. (Bonus: Develop a Unified Field Theory and rub Professor Stephen Hawking's face in it!)

6. Get published in a major science journal. (Bonus: Get published in Discover magazine.)

7. Prominently display old college Physics/Math text books in your home or office. (Bonus: Point out to friends and family that you found a mistake in one or more said books and the publisher had to print an update!)

8. Attend at least one sci-fi convention in your lifetime. (Bonus: Travel around the country, following your favorite sci-fi personality to each and every convention at which they're appearing, and attend said conventions while dressed as a Stormtrooper or Wookie.)

9. Get your picture taken with a sci-fi personality (i.e., William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, etc.) (Bonus: Get your picture taken with Gil Gerard (a.k.a. Buck Rogers).) (Triple geek score: Get Gil to check out your chest in said picture.)

10. Design a computer circuit board. (Bonus: Get the damned thing to actually work!)

And there you have it, your 10 simple steps to becoming a Super Geek, with some bonus points added to push you to the status of Geek God(dess). That, of course, is a level at which you are worshiped throughout all of geekdom and once a year lower-status geeks burn their pocket protectors and scientific calculators in your name!

"Son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod!"