26 September 2007

Thinking Too Much

You know, it's a damned good thing that I spend most of my days too busy to really think about what I eat, drink, wear, or watch because if I did, I would never eat, drink, wear, or watch anything ever again.

For example:
I start my day by toasting a piece of hazelnut-opiate derivative bread (hazelnut-poppy seed, see where I'm going with this?). Once perfectly burned, I slather the top with bee vomit (honey). On the side is one glass of excretion of bovine mammary glands (milk) followed by a rather large mug of legal addictive stimulant (coffee). Once, I've eaten said scrumptious breakfast, I go upstairs to my closet for ten minutes to contemplate today's wardrobe. I have to choose between a shirt made from plant fibers (cotton), worm vomit (silk), or sheep fur (wool) and cow skin foot covers (leather shoes). My legal addictive stimulant hasn't worked on my headache fast enough, so I decide to take some willow bark (aspirin). I then go to my office to check e-mail on my modern-day abacus (computer).

Later in the day, I decide to have lunch. Will it be sliced pig (ham) on whole wheat with a slice of solid, fermented excretion of bovine mammary glands (cheese) or just fermented, yeasty excretion of bovine mammary glands (yogurt)? Hmmmm. Either way, I'll be eating my lunch on a tree (wooden table). Later, after the kids' naps, we watch a movie, about a fish, produced by a company that used to make instructional videos (how to avoid STDs, for example, not kidding!) for the US Army during WWII (Finding Nemo). Later the twins go outside to play in their "limestone-based excrement of parrot fish"-box (sand box).

As I get ready for bed, I smear bee vomit-comb (beeswax) on my chapped lips and rub cow placenta (lotion) on my dry hands. I pop little pieces of plastic out of my eyes (contact lenses) and climb into my warm and toasty bed.

Now, you understand why I'm so screwed up.

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